Nurturing the Seeds of Consolation in the Soil of Desolation

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This week’s Change Well podcast, Episode 26, is available on my company’s podcast page. It provides insights and practical tips on maintaining wellness, whether you are experiencing joy or sorrow, by reviewing ten rules for living. Written by Angelo Roncalli, better known as Pope John XXIII, the Decalogue for Living provides rules for living a good and kind life regardless of your current season.

The podcast also includes a recitation of this original poem that I wrote on the topic.

The seeds of consolation are nurtured,
grown ans formed in soil of desolation,
waiting for the appointed time,
to spring forth to renew
both body and soul.

We do not know the day or hour,
when like the sun rising on a new day,
our darkness will be pierced 
and hope renewed.
Nor do we know if it will be in this life
or the next.

But, we can have faith that it will come,
hope that our hearts will be set afire,
and charity to all,
in the time of waiting. 

Don Grier 2024

Five Rules of Wellness When It’s Just Spring

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In Just-

Spring   when the lame

middle-aged man

runs far and    wee!

And the ground-beneath

is puddle-painful

From too-much running too soon,

As the hobbled, middle-aged man

limps slow—ly far and wee!

The above is my take on e.e. cummings’ classic  “In Just Spring” https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47247/in-just after my first run in Spring. Everyone wants to get out and lose those 10 pounds of insulation gained during the Winter months. But before you go out and become the little lame woman or man, here are five rules to follow In Just Spring.

1. Take it Slow—Walking that extra mile or two is always tempting when the weather gets warm and the bluebonnets are out. That is precisely what my wife and our dog Boots attempted to do on the trails on Brushy Creek. Even stopping at a sandwich shop for a quick bite, we struggled to make it back to our car. We dragged our 70-lb., huffing Bernese Mountain dog the last few yards. We are still recovering!

The lesson learned is simple. Do not overdo it with the first flowers of Spring. In the winter, it is a struggle to get out and about (read how so in this blog: https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/12/09/baby-its-cold-outside-but-exercise-anyway/ ). Now that the weather is more conducive to exercise don’t try to catch up all in one day. Take your time to slowly build up your miles, so you, too, don’t become the little lame woman or man (or dog!).

2. Do the essential – A corollary to the first rule is to focus on the essential. In his book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg Mckeown says that the key to success in health and life is to do “less but better”. When waking up after our winter fog, it is tempting to try everything at once to get fit. Understandably, we are excited to get swimsuits ready for the summer. So we take up the latest diet, try many fitness fads, and buy the newest exercise equipment from Amazon. But it is better to focus on the essentials. Track the food you eat diligently, get plenty of sleep, and focus on the now. Don’t do everything! Do the essential well to enjoy the Spring and the new you.

3. Stretch! – I know we all want to take off with the first hint of the Bluebonnets in Texas. But doing any exercise, even walking, without first stretching is a recipe for becoming the little lame middle-aged man or woman in my earlier poem. Take time to stretch even if you are similar to me and do not like stretching. And when you have the flexibility of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, such as myself, you need to lubricate the joints as you follow the Yellow Flowered Road.

4. Drink Water – The temperature rise during the day can sneak up on you, especially when you live in Texas. So it is important to bring your water bottle to avoid becoming dehydrated just as you are about to take a photo of that beautiful cardinal or frolicking bunny that happened on your path. Make sure you also scope out the bathroom situation ahead of time. I don’t know about you, but I avoid drinking water when I do not know where my next bathroom break is.

5. Be in the Moment – The flowers are in bloom, and the sun is out. It is time to focus on the now and enjoy the new life of Spring. One way to take it slow is to take in nature. Sit on a bench. Take a picture. Lie in the bluebonnets like Boots the dog! Clear your mind of anxiety and enjoy the blooming beauty all around you.

Dog in Bluebonnets

Follow these rules to avoid becoming the little lame, middle-aged woman or man. Spring into the season and a new you!

Harness Four Powerful Wellness Concepts To Be Fully Engaged

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Our recent podcast and blog series on the body and soul connection recalled two books.  I am reading He Leadeth Me by Father Walter Ciszek now, and one that helped spur me on during my initial efforts to change well is The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.  Both books discuss the importance of practicing engagement in all directions and four wellness concepts.  Let’s see what that looks like.

I am going to start first with He Leadeth Me.   If you have the Hallow application, which I spoke about in the previous podcast on Body and Soul routine combos, there is a 40-day Lenten discussion using excerpts from the book.  The book is a memoir of Father Walter Ciszek and his survival in a Soviet prison and later a Siberian Gulag after being falsely accused of crimes.  The book is a powerful spiritual testament to surviving the harshest conditions if you trust God and have a purpose beyond yourself.  It also showed how the stress of the prison camp and Gulag helped Father Ciszek become more spiritually alive.  It is a fantastic book for many reasons, and I recommend it to anyone, even if they are not Christian.    But the point I want to focus on today is Father Ciszek’s quote on the connection between body and soul and the impact each has on the other.  Also, how the stress that he previously put on his body conditioned him physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to deal with his over twenty years in captivity. Here are two pertinent excerpts from the book that will ever remain etched in my mind and heart:

“During my early years in religious life, I had even tried to outdo the legends of the saints in fastings and penances of every sort. But I did it, not so much to punish the body or attain perfection as to prove to the world and to myself how tough I was. Yet it was only now, when each day ended with exhaustion and the body cried out for every extra minute of rest, every little respite from work, every extra crumb of food, that i really came to appreciate the marvelous gift of life god had given man in the resources of the human body. The intimacy that exists between soul and body is a marvel of creation and a mystery of human existence.”

“The mysterious interplay of body and soul is an essential characteristic of our human nature. If the body is sick or sore, tired or hungry or otherwise distressed, it affects the spirit, affects our judgment, changes our personality. So slight a thing as a headache can affect our relations with those around us. It is through the body that we express and experience love and kindness and comfort. We excuse our snappish, petty, ill-mannered conduct to one another on the grounds that the body is having a bad day. We are constantly, day in and day out, hour after hour, under the influence of these mysterious workings of soul on body and body on soul.”

                He Leadeth Me by Walter J. Ciszek with Daniel L. Flaherty, 99

Father Ciszek points out that he could not have kept his soul and emotions intact if he had not trained himself physically.  He also discusses in the book how his spiritual well-being and purpose helped him to drive on even when it appeared physically impossible.

The Power of Full Engagement

Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz in The Power of Full Engagement make a similar connection, albeit from a secular viewpoint.  This book was instrumental in starting my wellness journey, and I have referenced some of its four wellness concepts in developing my practice.  The fundamental premise is to become a fully engaged, effective person and leader, you should focus on managing energy rather than time.  The second key idea is that there are four dimensions of energy, the capacity of which you need to increase and manage to be fully engaged and high-performing.  These are:

  1. Physical energy, which focuses on the quantity of energy;
  2. Emotional energy, which defines the quality of energy (for example, compare  the impact of negative talk to positive affirmation on your well-being);
  3. Mental energy, which defines the direction of energy (focused versus distracted);
  4. Spiritual energy, which defines the power and impact of the energy (energy and effort not aligned with spiritual being and vision is wasted)

The third of the wellness concepts is the best way to build up energy in all four quadrants is to train like an athlete with intervals of stress and rest.  If there is too much stress and insufficient rest in any quadrant, you become tired and disheartened.  Alternatively, too much rest without the stress of a challenge leads to complacency and, in extreme cases, sloth. 

The last of these wellness concepts is that the most fundamental energy source is physical; the most significant that guides our vision and purpose is spiritual.  The underlying capacity of our physical energy impacts all other quadrants.  When we are tired, unhealthy, and hyped up on too many all-nighters of pizza and soda, we are often cranky and short with others.  Lack of sleep impacts our ability to focus on our work, and we become distracted. 

On the other hand, without stores of spiritual energy, we can dissipate our energy on the wrong things and forego the purpose for which we were put on this earth.  To refer back to our initial quote from Father Ciszek, if you do not have the physical capacity, you will not have the energy to be led to your ultimate purpose. And if you do not have the spiritual backbone and purpose for living, you will be led in the wrong direction.

I highly recommend that you take the time to read both books.  I cannot underestimate the impact that both have had on my life.  My blogs and podcasts focus on how I used the wellness concepts of these books to change my life.  If you have not had the time, check out Episode 2, which covers techniques in all four energy quadrants, Episode 4, Waking Up to Your Why about the spiritual component, and Episode 7, THINK Yourself to a New You, for ideas on Emotional and Mental Energy.  The podcasts each have links to the associated blogs for a deeper dive into wellness concepts.  In conclusion, let me close by paraphrasing St Francis De Sales.  Within every period of desolation lies the seeds of consolation.  The opposite is also true.  To best build our capacity in all four quadrants of our humanity – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual – we must learn how to harness the ebb and flow of stress and relaxation to become fully engaged, fully human, and to change well!

Unfettered Wings

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There was rain in the forecast for Duluth,
the day after our glorious trek along the North Shore,
spying Lake Superior from a hill near Gooseberry Falls,
seabirds floating over the inland sea.

We decided to find an indoor attraction,
longing for rain, we still did not want to get wet,
since so much time had passed,
and we feared being soaked so far from home.

The aquarium was just this side of the Aerial Bridge,
where barges from around the world,
floated unrestricted into their temporary home.

The fish and aquatic life in the tanks mirrored those,
swimming freely in the depths of the Greatest Lake,
Lake Trout, Walleye, and Sturgeon, some that lived over 100 years.

We had finished the first floor and were moving to the second,
when something curious caught our eye.
There, in the gift shop,
was a solitary, plush Eagle.

My wife said, “Oh cute. Can we get it?”
But I thought, Eagles are majestic birds of prey,
Not to be sold as toys.
Eagles must fly!

We proceeded to the second floor
until, at the last corner,
a lone Eagle with a heavy beak and piercing eyes.

It perched on a miserable little limb,
staring wantonly through a screen at the wooded hills outside.
It never turned toward us but only looked dejectedly at its former home,
where we had roamed just the day before.

Eagles are meant to fly, to soar up toward the sun!
To carry us to freedom and spread the word.
What would St. John or Moses say
to see nature’s herald trapped behind such a paltry barrier?

You can’t put God in a box, nor an Eagle behind a screen.
Eagles are meant to fly!

Five Restorative Practices (and a Song!) to Heal Your Body and Soul

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This is the first of two in a blog series on the importance of mindfulness. You can also hear this blog read and sung on Episode 17 of our Change Well Podcast

There is a definite connection between body and soul.  Be happy, feel better.  Share kindness, win friends, and feel good.  On the other hand, when you are stressed or miss your workout, it is not always easy to turn the other cheek.  Common sense confirms recent studies that caring for others improves the well-being of those you helped and your own!

I have struggled to learn this lesson.  I am naturally an intense person and a bit of a curmudgeon—a person who is sometimes not kind to others, particularly myself.  Driven to achieve, I occasionally drive other people out and beat myself up.  This often led to regret, guilt, and, more often than not, an eating binge.  A happy person is a healthy person, and vice versa.

That is why when I started on my weight loss journey, it was just as important to cleanse my soul as my body.  I took several measures to help me improve my disposition and, correspondingly, my health.  This is what I did. 

  1. Write in my Kindness Journal – I journal six minutes daily in a Kindness Journal.  It sets my daily goals for being a better person and helps me envision the person I want to become.  It also provides me a place to recognize those items the day before for which I was most pleased (being kind to myself) and reflect on those who were kind to me.   Lastly, I set my intention on one kind of beneficial act that I will do to make the world better for others.  I use this particular journal, but you can use another Kindness Journal
  2. Record happy thoughts in HappyFeed – In addition to writing in my Kindness Journal, I record three things I am so glad about each day using the iOS application HappyFeed.  You do not always have to write something earth-shattering.  Sometimes, I write something like, “I got 8 hours of sleep last night!”  The key is to dwell on what makes you happy rather than what makes you stressed.
  3. Pray, Meditate, and Give Thanks – There is no room for worry when thankful.  You feel better about yourself and also those around you.  Also, the Power of Thanksgiving can break through even the darkest hour.  I spoke about this in the following blog.  The Power of Thanksgiving
  4. Help Others – Helping others benefits those you help and others.  First, when you allow others, you focus on them, not the issues you face.  Also, you are so preoccupied with the task at hand, whether it is building a house for Habitat for Humanity or walking to raise funds to combat cancer, that you often do not have time to overeat.
  5. Smile – The simple act of smiling lightens your mood and that of others.  Better yet, laugh; it is the best medicine, as they say.

Working on your heart and soul can make you a better person and help you lose weight – a double whammy (ok enough with the W’s).  I have glorified this concept by establishing my most sacrosanct scheduled time of each day – Body and Soul Time.  If you look at my calendar, you will see 6:00 – 8:00 AM each day, blocked out as Body and Soul time.  This is when I do a weekly set of body and soul combos, combining mindfulness and prayer with exercise—more on next week’s blog.

But for now, let me close with, of all things, the importance of being third. A few weeks back, when thinking about Dr. King’s legacy and other selfless people like Gandhi and Mother Theresa, I tried to find the common thread that pulled them all together.  And I realized it was because they were each Third – behind their religious beliefs and their care for others.  I then thought about how hard it is to be Third in my life and thought of that classic song – “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”  So, I decided to write this song/poem to the tune of It’s Not Easy Being Green.  I hope you enjoy it, and my thanks to Kermit!

It’s Not Easy Being Third

It’s not easy being Third,

Putting yourself behind our human family and God’s word,

And people tend to pass you over,

cause you’re not in the latest fashion,

or have cool toys like some other guys.

But Third’s the purpose in your life,

And Third can help end earthly strife,

And Third can change the course of a nation,

Or build bridges to others, or define history.

When Third is what you are meant to be,

It could make you ponder why, but why ponder?

Why ponder, I am Third, it’s written on our Souls,

And it is where we are meant to be.

Five More Powerful Guidelines for the Wellness-Led Organization

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We are on the third of four blogs and associated podcasts located at this link – Podcast – discussing the Well-Led guidelines for a successful organization that simultaneously cares for its employees and mission.  You can apply these guidelines to lower risk and increase organizational, program, and project success.

Before discussing Well-Led Guidelines six through ten, let me briefly summarize the previous two blogs.  The first two blogs are located at Three Key Reasons Your Organization Should Be Wellness-Led and Five Essential Guidelines for the Well-Led Organization.

In the first blog, we gave three reasons why support of employee wellness is essential for an organization intent on ensuring sustainable access and lowering risk.  A focus on employee wellness leads to better decision-making, strong camaraderie, a shared sense of purpose, and a reduction in sick days with a corresponding increase in productivity.

In the other blog, we looked at the first five Well-Led Guidelines; all focused on planning with employee health as a critical input.  The first five guidelines were:

  1. Acknowledge that overwork is counterproductive, so plan for downtime in your schedule.  Do not overallocate your people.
  2. Build downtime away from work during the week to allow people to focus on non-work-related tasks.
  3. Incorporate fun and incentives into work.  Indeed, all work and no play makes for a dull existence.
  4. Keep your team energized with healthy and culturally appropriate snacks.
  5. Don’t risk your employees’ health by making them come to the office during a weather or other emergency.

These are just the highlights of the first five Well-Led guidelines. Five Essential Guidelines for the Well-Led Organization has examples of how to do it and anecdotes of what goes wrong if you do not follow the Well-Led guidelines.

Now, let’s jump into Well-Led Guidelines six through ten. 

6. Build civility and respect for the individual in all company processes.   We all know what happens when people do not treat each other civilly.  You have stalemates, animosity, in-action, and resentment.   Just look at the dialogue on Twitter now, X, or our current political impasse. On the other hand, we all know what happens when a team actively listens to one another and allows a voice for the opposite viewpoint.  You make a better decision, avoid group thinking, and build a shared purpose.  But it is not easy.  This does not mean you never need a tiebreaker; that is when authentic leadership emerges.  Or that you always have consensus.  It means that everyone involved understands the reason for the decision and emerges as colleagues who respect but do not necessarily agree.  And perhaps, the opposing viewpoint is turned to when the initial decision does not work.

How do you build an organization based on civility and respect for the individual? Believe it or not, I turn to two political figures:  our first president, George Washington, and a hero of mine and favorite Professor, Texas Congresswoman Barbara Jordan. 

When he was 16, George Washington wrote 110 rules of civility to guide his life. Washington wrote down the rules presumably as an exercise in penmanship but later committed them to practice and memory. They helped develop the decorum, civility, and courage that guided Washington through war and the birth of this nation. You can read Washington’s Rules of Civility here. Washington’s Rules

The rules initially composed by French Jesuit priests in 1565 range from the practical to the profound.  Respect and civility toward friend and foe are at the root of the rules.  Rule 1 lays this idea out perfectly with the words:  “Every action done in the company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present.”  Many in the public sphere would do well to take this rule to heart!

Most of the rules have applications today.  One of them that I found particularly compelling is Rule 18:  “Read no letters, books, or papers in the company, but when there is a necessity for the doing of it, you must ask leave: come not near the books or writings of another to read them unless desired or give your opinion of them unasked also look not nigh when another is writing a letter.”   What does this mean for our sixth Well-Led Guideline?  When you are in a face-to-face meeting, no laptop or phone use.  If you are remote, put your camera on and be present.  No multi-tasking.

There are many more applicable rules on civility.  We have added a link to my blog on this topic in the blog in the show notes.  Washington Rules of Civility for Today

Many of you who pass through Austin have seen the statue of the airport’s namesake, Congresswoman Barbara Jordan.  Ms. Jordan, who I was fortunate to have as a Professor at LBJ School of Public Affairs, was a towering intellect, the epitome of integrity, and a hero to all Texans. She also encapsulated in one person the power of diversity and the spark and spirit that binds us together.

Ms. Jordan, I, and other students had many engaging debates in the classroom.  These discussions were governed by Ms. Jordan’s rules of Civil Discourse, which I took from her engagement in the discussion. I believe each organization should implement something similar.

  1. She understood all angles of an issue. In particular, she could often articulate the opposing views’ perspective better than they could themselves.
  2.  She would then clarify where she agreed with their perspective to emphasize where there was common ground.
  3. Only then would she respectfully bring up where she differed from the group or person’s perspective with concise arguments based on her view of the facts.

7. Technology to help, not replace people.  This next rule, believe it or not, is related to the one that came before.  Organizations, particularly technology-focused ones,  can show bias toward technology, just as human-focused organizations can show to the person with the loudest bullhorn.   Use technology, particularly AI, in a judicious manner.  AI and other technology should be used to free humans from the mundane and to spark creativity from the launchpad of technology.  Not to replace them entirely but to add more value to the organization. 

8. Celebrate diversity and learn about other cultures. Diversity of opinion and the ability to share ideas across cultures, creeds, generations, and genders is transforming.  Each of us brings to a solution a unique perspective that no one else can replicate.  It is tempered by our experiences, upbringing, and the place we call home.  Each person was put on this earth to fulfill a unique purpose.  A true leader’s mission is to meld the singular talents of each person to gain the best result.  What unites us is undoubtedly more significant than what divides us; what unites us is the spark of humanity in each person! It is also imperative for personal growth to learn from one another and to celebrate differences.

In rule six, we already talked about how civilly listening to diverse opinions brings better decisions and engages all participants when done right.  But it also is essential to allow people to be exposed to other cultures in a non-work environment to build understanding.  One way to do this is to build an event like I did with my team.  Each year, we had a Festival of Lights where team members all over the globe shared their holiday pictures and discussed their festival of lights (Diwali, Christmas, Hanukkah, Bodi Day, Quanza, and many more).  It was not mandatory, but people loved it.  It showed the commonalities and differences of our team in a positive light. 

9. Always plan for training. Not planning for training when taking on a new venture or bringing a new person into the organization can hurt morale and stymie productivity.  In my experience, most people want to expand their capabilities and follow their organization into new ventures.  It is, therefore, crucial to provide well-constructed training so people feel that the organization is vested in them and they are enabled for the task in front of them.  I have seen too many projects go south because the leadership did not take the time to refresh members on crucial training topics or introduce new training for the new venture. 

10. Lead from the bottom. The last rule for this podcast is that you need a mechanism to hear and capture ideas from those doing the work.  The best ideas come from those performing the heavy lifting.  So, develop an incentive system to capture team members’ ideas and offer incentives and recognition when their ideas are used. 

Next week’s blog will examine the guidelines eleven through fifteen. Until then Thrive through Wellness.

The Final Five Amazing Guidelines for the Well-Led Organization

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This blog brings to a close our blog series on the Well-Led Guidelines for sustainable company success through a focus on employee wellness.  The first blog, Three Key Reasons Your Organization Should Be Wellness-Led, examined why organizations that make employee wellness have more sustainable success and happier employees. The next two blogs. Five Essential Guidelines for the Well-Led Organization and Five More Powerful Guidelines for Organizational Success, provided the first ten Well-Led guidelines for organizations and projects, while this blog provides the final five.  If you want to hear the series and other content from either our personal blog (this site) or corporate blog site, check out our Change Well podcast available on Spotify and Apple Podcast or on our Wellness Leadership podcast page

We at Wellness Leadership LLC have integrated these fifteen guidelines and the Global Standard for Risk Management from the Project Management Institute to develop a first-in-class assessment and strategy model for sustainable success for organizations, programs, and projects. If you want our services, please get in touch with us on our website, www.wellnessldr.com.  Also, be on the lookout for our first chapbook, The Well-Led Organization, at the end of February 2024.

Now, on to guidelines 11-15 of the Well-Led Organization.

11. Plan in affirmations and thankfulness. In his still relevant 1936 book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “Lincoln once began a letter saying: “Everybody likes a compliment.” William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” He didn’t speak, mind you, of the “wish” or the “desire” or the “longing” to be appreciated. He said the “craving” to be appreciated.  Some 85 years later, the sage Ted Lasso put this concept in simpler terms, “Believe”! 

You can get people to do incredible things on their own accord if you authentically believe in them and appreciate what they do for the organization.  What are some tips to show you believe in your team and are thankful for them?  Here  are just three:

  1. Post signs of encouragement.  I have seen this simple technique work on many occasions.  On one occasion, I noticed an off-the-rail project transformed by the positivity of the new project manager.  Taking over for the previous, less optimistic project manager, the new leader posted positive messages throughout the project site. This was reinforced by a can-do attitude that empowered the individual team leads.  People went from complaining about obstacles to solving problems.  Soon, the project was on track.  What if your project is remote and not at a single project site? You can be positive and affirming in the stand-up meeting.  One way to do this is to set an affirming word or phrase for the day or open with a success story.
  2. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Okay, I know I have moved from Ted Lasso to Mary Poppins.  But like Mary, always temper your constructive criticism (the medicine) with a positive comment.  Start with a positive comment, and then the person will be more receptive to the recommendation.
  3. Show you are thankful.  Lastly, never underestimate the power of thanksgiving.  A simple handwritten note thanking a person for their efforts can work wonders.  For team efforts, plan a celebratory outing.  A little thanks goes a long way!

12. Be engaged and lead up front. The lesson in leadership is that sometimes, the leader has to show the team how it is done.  This does not mean that every time a team member needs an extra boost to complete a task, the leader has to do it for them.  No! It suggests that at some critical junctures, it is essential that the project director lead the way and show the prowess that got them to the position in the first place.  Also, the leader should be engaged and there for critical moments.  As a Quality Assurance Director for a leading IT consulting firm for 30 years, I always checked whether the project lead was present for critical rollouts.  And nothing got my ire up more as a project lead was not there for a crucial event.

Engaging and showing confidence and resolve during critical events is always the best move of a leader.  First,   it shows your team you care and are with them, especially since most critical deployments happen on the weekend.  Second, you are there for necessary decisions and lend a steady hand if something goes wrong or needs correcting.  Lastly, you are on hand to affirm the team when things go well and take responsibility when things go wrong.

13. Leaders eat last.  While leaders are meant to lead upfront, their needs should be secondary to the team’s.   The best way to get a person’s loyalty and make them feel cared for is to ensure they have the necessary equipment, knowledge, and nourishment. 

I will give a simple example, which I still remember even though it has been over fifteen years.  Our team had a tight deadline and had to present at two remote locations in less than a day. The only way to get to our second location on time was to rent a small prop plane, one seat shy of our party.  Instead of taking the front seat near the pilot, our boss sat in the only place left – a tiny compartment with a flip-out next to the garbage.  The lead wanted us to focus on the presentation close to the time we landed.  I was already loyal to my lead, but that simple gesture cemented it.  Lead up front, but take a backseat to their needs!

14. Be great by doing good!  People work for money but stay engaged when they believe in the company’s mission, vision, and purpose.  Also, it is my experience that most people are generous and want to give back, albeit the form of altruism differs amongst individuals.  An organization with an inspiring vision statement and a purpose beyond the bottom line will drive employees to higher levels.  Likewise, properly formed employee resource groups that allow employees to give back significantly impact employee morale and provide a positive impression of the company to the community.  Let me give an example.  

My prior company had a program established by three younger consultants called CoderDojo.   This program is a coding program for kids and teens, some of whom have never been able to code.  The program provided the consultants with a leadership opportunity and a venue for applying their skills.  The final class was the best part of the program.  The students got to display their coding projects, and judges from our company’s senior leadership handed the awards.  The participants were happy and proud, but the consultants who made up the program were even more motivated!

15. Build in fitness breaks.  The last rule is like the first rule: acknowledge that overwork is counterproductive.    Set a rule that each meeting starts 10 minutes after the hour or half hour, depending on the timing.   Encourage people to set an alarm to move on their watch for at least 10 minutes each hour.   Another way to build fitness in the workday is to have a walking meeting or a fun fitness break.  Establish a wellness calendar with fitness and mindfulness breaks. 

These fitness breaks were especially crucial during the pandemic when everyone stared at their screens for days.  One of the programs we established was Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium.  I knew we had a cohort of Peloton riders on my team, so we established a calendar of live Peloton rides when people would voluntarily ride and high-five each other.  Other programs were Bollywood dance, Yoga, and digital Karaoke.

There you have it!  The last of the fifteen rules for the Well-Led organization.  Next week, we will move back to a topic on individual wellness – Body and Soul combos.  Until then, Change Well! 

Five Essential Guidelines for the Well-Led Organization

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Welcome to Part Two of our blog series on wellness in the workplace.  In last week’s blog, we discussed just three of the reasons that a focus on employee wellness was good for the bottom line.  This week’s blog examines the first five of fifteen guidelines for a well-led project, program, or organization.

We at Wellness Leadership, LLC believe that today’s best-led organizations focus on the wellness of their employees first and foremost! Gone are the days when you had to decide between mission and people.  The best way to accomplish the corporate mission is to enable your people to fulfill their purpose! 

Our well-led guidelines operate within the risk management domain.  Every Project Management Professional knows that there are three critical constraints of project management, also known as the Iron Triangle of Project Management: scope, schedule, and budget.  They also are aware of the significant risks that impact these components.  For example, we all know that disagreement among stakeholders over requirements or vision can lead to scope creep and, in turn, impact budget and time.  Likewise, a delay in an external dependency, such as a related project, can impact the schedule and cost.

Yes, the average PMP can rattle off the key risks from the PMI manual and may even be able to come up with a mitigation plan for that risk.  But in my thirty years of experience running and QA’ing projects and teams, I have seen more projects and organizations go off the rails by inadequately accounting for employee wellness.  Here are just three examples.

  1. A project scheduled its critical initial deployment one week after Diwali.  Consequently, when a problem arose just before the release, the vital resources from the India delivery center were not on hand to correct the problem.  The US-based leadership team had addressed the timing for Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks but forgot the key holiday time for most of the resources for their global team.
  2. A key developer and informal leader of the project did not trust the underlying architecture and had voiced his opinion to management.  Instead of discussing and addressing the concern, the project lead indicated that the architecture was used on thousands of projects.  The developer only wanted to make a minor recommendation, but due to the lack of attention, they left the project, taking some critical resources with him.
  3.  A project pushed toward a tight deadline and shifted to a mandatory work schedule.  The new schedule impacted the employee’s non-work appointments, such as school and daycare pick-up, causing anxiety and resentment.  As a result, absenteeism increased, and productivity decreased, impacting the schedule even more.

I could name many more examples, but our 10-15 minute podcast would turn into hours and not be very inspiring.  Instead, I have categorized the top fifteen wellness considerations for projects, programs, and organizations, along with approaches to address these considerations.

Here are the first five guidelines for wellness and corporate success!

1. Acknowledge overwork is counterproductive.  We all know the pressure of tight deadlines and schedules.  The first inclination is to work harder and longer to finish the job on time.  However, overwork is counter-productive and leads to burnout.  A Gallup study found that employees are around 2.6x more likely to search for other jobs if burnt out.  Also, overworked employees tend to make more mistakes and errors in judgments.

I first learned this lesson from my high school football coaches. One year, the new and full of fire coaches conducted a  football camp with three daily hard workouts.  The team lost two critical early games due to injuries, resulting in the team missing the playoffs.  The following year,  the coaches adapted and added a rest period each day at a pool the following year.  Even though the team on paper was less potent than the year before, they won the playoffs. 

The lesson of the football team applies to the workplace.  Overwork in the office can lead to critical mistakes, rework, problems with retention, and absenteeism.  It also can lead to people falling asleep on the job.  Before I got the message on overwork, I remember being on a late-night troubleshooting call and hearing snoring in the background.  Our testing lead, who had been up for almost a day, had fallen asleep.  What are some tricks to avoid overwork?

  1. If someone is allocated as a part-time FTE, do not schedule them for full-time.
  2. For Full-time FTEs, load them in the schedule for no more than 6.5 hours a day. If you are working in an Agile structure, ensure you account for non-productive time in capacity.
  3. If the resulting schedule after correct loading is too tight to hit a deadline, either pull in additional resources or make the hard decision at the start to move the deadline.
  4. Ensure you account for key holidays for all groups on a global team. An excellent way to do this is to subscribe to an online service such as GlobeSmart or your organization’s equivalent.
  5. During a crisis, ensure only the people critical to solving the problem are on the call.  Let the rest off the hook.  Sometimes, this takes some prodding since, in my experience, most people feel vested until they become resentful for too much work.  If people want to stay involved, set up a rotating pool of team members to spell each other.

In closing, you may be able to overwork your team or organization to hit one project deadline.  But rest assured, a good chunk of your team will not be around for the next project.  They will be looking elsewhere as soon as the project is over.  Don’t overwork your team. Instead, build an organization for sustainable success across multiple projects.

2. Build-in time away from work.  A corollary to the first rule is to build dedicated time away from work so people can complete their non-work commitments.  The best way to do this is to plan this approach upfront.  Provide each team member with a block of time during work hours to get non-work commitments done.   You could choose 3 or 4 standard blocks and let people choose their blocks.   The individual schedules would then be loaded into the schedule.  Most people need some time during work hours to get family commitments done.  It is best if a time is built into the schedule so they can rely on it each week and others on their team know.    

For those projects and organizations that must collaborate heavily, look for time to build an organizational non-work block during regular hours.  Even though it was over 30 years ago, I remember when General Shalikashvili used this concept effectively as Commander of the 9th Infantry Division.  All commanders in the division had to cease work while in garrison for three hours each week to allow soldiers to go to the PX or do other family business.  This was quite effective in building morale and allowing soldiers needed family time when not in the field.  It was affectionately known as Shali Day.  Later, General Shalikashvili went on to be the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.    One last thing on this topic.  Once you establish work hours, set policies to not call, send emails or hold meetings during non-work hours except in real emergencies.  Once the policy is set, lead by example!

3. Incorporate fun and incentives.  Even when you properly plan not to overwork your team and give them appropriate time off, challenging projects and programs can be a slog! It would be best to find a way to make the project fun as the organization strives for a common goal.  One of my first bosses was the master of building fun into the project.   Here is my favorite example.  For one project, she made a poster of the Empire State Building with a stage of the project (design, code, test, etc.) every 30th floor.  She then gave each team a small cut-out image of King Kong with the name of their assigned work stream.  We would gather twice a week at the end of the day to move our King Kongs up the Empire State Building.  You got a lottery ticket for each stage you progressed.  It built fun into a challenging project and built camaraderie.  Some people won up to $100 on the instant lottery ticket.   

4. Offer healthy, culturally appropriate snacks/food.  Projects that run on time need people with energy.  Almost everyone who has been on a project has had a pizza or wings lunch at one time or another.  But that is not what I am talking about.  Pizza and less nutritious foods can be occasional treats, but look to providing your team with healthy snacks.  They need nutritious options to do their best work. When planning outings, include healthy food that fits your team’s dietary needs.  I will never forget the first two times we had a team outing in Texas; the leadership in charge of the food choices ordered barbeque.  That is ok for some people.  But half my team was vegetarian.  After fretting that they only had potato salad for sustenance, I made the rule that all outings were to have a vegan option.  Food that fits a team needs vegetarian food for Indians and healthy snacks.

When it Snows, Stay Home.  Don’t risk your employees’ health from a pandemic or weather risks.  In addition, you should build a schedule contingency for such an occasion and a weather risk with an appropriate mitigation plan.  We should all know about this risk from the recent pandemic, but weather and its impact on employee safety are sometimes not always considered.  Here is a real-life example.  We were pushing for the deadline on a major project, and there was some indication that an ice storm would hit that evening.   Our project team decided to hold a meeting to determine how to deal with other project risks when the organization we were working with left early to avoid the storm.   The risk management meeting went long, and we did three things wrong.

a.  All Southerners, we blew off the risk of the ice storm.

b.  We were so immersed in other risks and their mitigation that no one checked if the risk materialized.   

c.  Once we left for the night and the roads had become exceedingly dangerous, there was no plan to accommodate people in a nearby hotel.

The result was three key people were injured, either walking to their cars or slipping into a ditch.  Bottom line:  Do not discount the ice storms of risk!  Have a mitigation plan and take care of your employee’s safety.

If you want to hear the associated podcast, find it here: Next week’s blog will cover Well-Led Guidelines 6-10. Until then, remember to Change Well.

Three Key Reasons Your Organization Should Be Wellness-Led

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Today, we begin the first of a four-part series on why your organization should lead with wellness and fitness, followed by subsequent blogs with tips and tricks to get you there!

I was fortunate to be in the Army in my early adult life.  One of the perks of the Army is that you are paid to work out every day and keep fitness top of mind.  Likewise, the Army has weight standards that each soldier needs to meet.  It was part of your role description and responsibility.  An unfit soldier will put himself and his unit at risk.   I, therefore, had the pleasure and pain to exercise regularly.  Sometimes, it was exhilarating, like singing cadence at the top of your lungs while on a battalion run.  Other times brutal, such as the yearly Obstacle Course administered by the Department with a Heart at West Point.  Exercise and maintaining your weight standard were good, necessary, and part of your job description!  While the Army has other wellness areas that continue to improve, they had the fitness component down. 

My life changed when I left the military and joined the corporate well in the early 90’s.   Early morning calls replaced morning PT.  Long hours on planes and in front of a computer slinging code affected my health.  At the time, it seemed that fitness and taking care of myself was no longer part of my job description or even opposed to it. 

Companies and I at that time did not yet see the impact of wellness on work.   The drive for more billable hours and seemingly higher productivity dominated.   This corporate culture (or my take on it) resulted in weight gain, loss of my health, and a decline in productivity over time.

Luckily, the corporate culture and my thought processes changed around 2010.  Corporate wellness programs, such as those at Google, Microsoft, GE, Salesforce, and Accenture, to name some of the top ones, are now focused on fitness and the human aspects of work.  I greatly advocate for these programs and credit the wellness programs of my prior company as instrumental in turning my life around.  It is why my wife and I started our company, Wellness Leadership, LLC.  To read about the five corporate programs that helped restore my health, click the link in the show notes titled Five Corporate Wellness Programs that Saved My Life.  

Before jumping into my three top reasons for investing in the wellness of your employees, let me give you a few statistics.  I got this from a compilation of several sources on the Gapin Institute website. 

  • Companies with highly effective health and wellness programs report 11% higher revenue per employee, 1.8 fewer days absent per employee per year, and 28% greater shareholder returns.

In companies that provide health and wellness support:

  • 91 percent of their employees say they feel motivated to do their best (vs. 38 percent of those without)
  • 89 percent of their employees are more likely to recommend their company as a good place to work ( vs. 17 percent)
  • 91 percent of their employees have a positive relationship with supervisors (vs. 54 percent)

Expanding upon these facts, let me give you my take on why I think a focus on the wellness of the members of an organization improves an organization’s outcomes. 

Here are my top three reasons why:

  •  Improves Decision Making.  The enemy of all good decisions is stress.  Exercise and fitness help relieve stress and keep away fatigue. A simple 20-minute walk will provide a few minutes to clear your mind, allowing you to focus on the problem.  Better yet, get up and walk around the office during a phone meeting when things get heated. The simple step of standing up will shake off the cobwebs that tend to collect during back-to-back calls. 
  • Builds Comradery.   The best thing about the Army was the camaraderie.  One way it was built was through morning PT.  While I am not advocating that each company go on a company run each morning, I recommend a common fitness program to build spirit de corps.   Such a common fitness program helped me to know my colleagues better through fitness events (MS 150, Annual Veterans Walk, etc.) and programs (active rewards programs, Fitbit competition).  One simple example was a random competition I and some colleagues engaged in one Saturday.  One of my friends started a Fitbit weekend competition, and although we were all in different states, we kept apprised of the others’ progress.   We all engaged in friendly and sometimes hilarious banter through the Fitbit app as we each surpassed 10 miles.
  • Reduces  Sick Days.  Staying fit helps to keep you out of the doctor’s office and in yours during working hours.  Research conducted at Brigham Young University, the Center for Health Research at Healthways, and the Health Enhancement Research Organization suggests unhealthy eating is linked with a 66% increased risk of loss of productivity. In comparison, lack of exercise is associated with a 50% increased risk of low productivity. My experience bears this out.  Before returning to fitness, I was habitually hit with bronchitis and, at least twice a year, pneumonia.  Both resulted in sick days and loss of productivity when I worked through it.  Since returning to my target weight and improved fitness, I have had neither bronchitis nor pneumonia.  I’m not sure how many days have been saved, but approximately a week a year.  There was an increase in productivity on those days when I should have been recovering, and I drove through and worked despite my illness.

These are the top three reasons an organization should focus on member wellness.  Increased productivity, esprit de corps and better decisions are just three reasons wellness is imperative in the work world.  In blogs over the next few weeks, I will further discuss 15 guidelines for the Well Led organization. Until then,  lead through wellness!

Ten Amazing Weight Loss Tips for the Road Warrior

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Some people say losing weight and traveling are diametrically opposed.  I beg to differ!  I lost over 170 lbs. in a year and a half while traveling weekly.  I got on a plane each week at 5 am and left for home on Friday after five.   That year, I lost 3 lbs. or more a week, despite traveling weekly and getting stuck several times over the weekend due to plane delays or twice because of blizzards!  Channeling my inner David Letterman, here are my top ten weight-loss travel tricks!

  • Get a refrigerator when registering!  When registering and later checking in to a hotel, I always ensure I have a fridge.  I can shop for healthy snacks or meals or get some from the breakfast buffet or the concierge lounge spread.  That way, I have a healthy snack if I’m working late. You may already have a refrigerator in an extended-stay hotel like a Residence Inn.  But other business hotels may not have them in the room unless you request them. Get one and get healthy!
  • Check-in with the Concierge Lounge.  While traveling for work, I had access to a concierge lounge back due to my status as a frequent traveler.  I would hit the concierge lounge and load up on vegetables before going to a restaurant for dinner.  I even would skip dinner and eat in the concierge lounge.  The approach still applies even with limited or no travel.  Eat some vegetables or small appetizers at home before ordering or eating out.  Fill up on veggies instead of filling out on steak and burgers!  When you travel often, you usually get access to a concierge lounge.  You can use this access to your advantage if you make the correct choices.  Here is the approach.  For breakfast, fill up on lean protein (hard-boiled eggs, nonfat Greek yogurt, etc.), oatmeal, and fruit.  Also, grab at least two bananas and two apples for your snacks throughout the day.  Lastly, stay hydrated by taking a few bottles of water.  Nine times out of ten, when you are hungry, it is just a substitution for being thirsty!
  • Walk to Work. No Uber for me!  I walk to work unless it is pouring or ten below (sometimes in the Midwest).  I also picked a hotel about a mile away, so you get 2 miles in no matter what.  This at least gets you up and going.  Remember to bring a book on tape (Podcasts and Libby, which, if you are a library member, is free!)  or time your walk with a work call.   It gets you outside, and you barely notice the activity.
  • Coffee Cups are not just for Coffee.  I have a secret weight loss weapon when traveling the road – coffee cups.  This remarkable tool is ubiquitous at hotels.  Here are three simple weight loss hacks related to coffee cups:
    • The first is the obvious one – use it for coffee. Nothing gets the constitution working better than coffee. I drink one cup, and you are ready for the restroom. But stop at one or two, or you will have the opposite result since coffee is a diuretic. Also, if you are walking to the office, you may not make it in time for the restroom!
    • They are the perfect hard-boiled egg container.  Hard-boiled eggs are almost as ubiquitous as coffee cups at the hotel breakfast counter.  They are an ideal source of protein and a great way to satisfy a mid-morning snack or lunch.  A standard coffee cup can hold three large, hard-boiled eggs.  Place a lid on it and label it, and now you have a ready-made free lunch to stick in the office refrigerator!  Coffee cups can also serve as containers for the fresh fruit often set up on the breakfast buffet (don’t forget bananas and apples in your backpack).  You could also use coffee cups for oatmeal.  All three are wholesome snacks or lunch on the run.  You can also save money if not on an expense account.
    • Larger cups for infused water.  I love that many hotels are now providing fruit-infused water at the hotel.  But I do not love the little dinky plastic cups with no lids.  Answer – use coffee cups with lids and get 16 ounces of delicious water (to wipe away the effects of the second coffee).
  • Box it and Bring it To Boots. Portion control is the key to keeping your weight down and your friends happy.  In my case, my friend is a bear/dog named Boots, as shown below. I always think of my buddy Boots when craving a big steak.  I then make a conscious choice.  I eat 5 oz. Instead of 10 oz of a steak, I cut my calories in half and make my dog leap in delight!  This trick also works for a later meal in your trusty fridge but is more fun to give to your dog. Half your plate and make your friend feel great!
  • Eat like a plebe. The faster you eat, the more you repeat (think Buffet).  When I eat out, I return to my training at West Point and eat like a Plebe!  We learned to eat slowly at West Pont by squaring our meals so we would not wolf down food. Here is how you square a meal.  You lift your fork straight, bend your fork at 90 degrees to your mouth, straighten your arm back out, and then bring your fork entirely down.  You do not return your fork until you have thoroughly chewed your food.  On top of this, you needed to take small bites to recite knowledge to senior cadets without your mouth full.  All served to slow how fast we ate and cut down on food intake while practicing good manners.  Over thirty-five years later, I still eat like a Plebe, especially when traveling.
  • Don’t stress; catch up on your rest! If you let it, missing your flight home due to the weather can be stressful.  But it also can be an opportunity to catch up on your rest.  If you can’t leave your hotel, catch up on your snooze time.  Most of us are sleep-deprived anyway, and a few extra hours of rest can do wonders for your metabolism.  On the flip side, overly worrying can lead to stress eating.
  • When late, Meditate. You do not have to get caught up in the noise and bustle when stuck in an airport.  Most airports have a chapel, lounge, or quiet space where you can meditate or pray according to your practice to clear your head.  Here is a guide that can help you out.  https://www.sleepinginairports.net/. One of my favorite places is the chapel at DFW.  But you can also find one of the gates that does not have a flight for an hour.  I keep meditation applications Headspace, Calm, or Hallow for these delays on my iPhone. A plane delay or cancellation does not need to be a reason to go off the wagon. 
  • When it Snows, Find a Skywalk. Getting stuck overnight in a hotel because of a blizzard can curtail your weekend exercise routine.  I do not know about you, but walking on a treadmill does not get it.  I like my walks with some scenery and adventure.  One way to switch it up if you can’t get outside is to find a mall or indoor Skywalk.  Once, I was stuck in Des Moines, Iowa, when my plane was canceled.  Luckily, I did not have to miss my Saturday Morning walk.  I found an entry to the downtown Skywalk about a block away.  After a brief bout with the sub-zero wind chill, I soon walked and got lost in the Skywalk.    It was quite an adventure trying to find my way back through the maze of corridors.  Also, it felt a bit like Maxwell Smart with all the automatic opening doors.  When I was finally done, I had five miles in while braving the cold for only a few minutes.
  • Remember, Three out of Five Ain’t Bad. I cannot claim this last rule since I learned it from a colleague.   Every meal at a restaurant usually includes five options:  bread, appetizer, entrée, dessert, and alcohol.  The simple rule is to keep it to three!  Either Bread, Drink, and an Entrée or some other combination.  Remember, scrap two and keep 3!  While I can’t claim this idea, I can confirm it works and claim the below song parody to emphasize it.  Make like Meatloaf and remember.
I want you,
But I don’t need you,
And there ain’t no way I am ever going to eat you,
Now, don’t be sad,
Because 3 out of 5 ain’t bad!

Because 3 out of 5 ain’t bad! In closing, you can lose weight while traveling.  These are ten, but you may have others.  If so, please feel free to comment. To listen to this and other content on our Change Well podcast, click this link.

Five Ways to Avoid a Blue Christmas

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Christmas is a joyous time for most people. But for some people, particularly those who are apart or have lost loved ones, Christmas can be a sad time. Elvis even sang about it. It goes something like this with a few modifications:


I’ll have a blue Christmas without you,
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you,
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree,
Won’t be the same this year when you’re not here with me.

And when those blue snowflakes start falling,
That’s when those blue memories start calling,
Others will be doing all right,
With their Christmas of white,
But I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas.

The last few years have been a bit blue for me and my family. On December 20, 2021, we lost my youngest brother suddenly to a heart attack. So, today is the second anniversary of his death; I would like to provide some ideas on how to deal with the sorrow of losing a loved one around the holidays. There are five ways that I have found helpful, even though imperfect.

1. Connect with others and ask for support. Last year, my wife and I spent Christmas with our children and their significant others at an Air BnB. The support of our family went a long way to helping with the sorrow of my brother’s loss. But reaching out and connecting with others can be helpful for those without family nearby. Look for opportunities to connect with others in your community.

For example, I remember Christmas in my hometown of Crosswicks, NJ, fondly. Crosswicks is a historical town where much history happened. This history is all fine and good, but my favorite memory is the camaraderie of our local town around the holidays. Our family joined our fellow “Crosswicksians” each year in the annual bonfire and Christmas Tree lighting. We would all circle the tree at the Community Center and sing Christmas Carols, both secular and religious. Voices rising together as one community, we sang of hope and love! Later, we drank hot apple cider and ate donuts while sharing fellowship about the encroaching holiday Season. To close the day, Santa Claus would ride on the back of the firetruck and toss candy to all of us. It was all a kid could want!

For that day, it was hard to fell blue with all those voices of joy singing as one!

2. Take care of yourself and practice mindfulness, meditation, and prayer. Above all, acknowledge your feelings, feel the loss, and practice self-compassion. One way is to blend meditation with exercise. On Christmas Eve morning, I go on a rosary walk. The rosary is a form of prayer and meditation practiced by me and other Catholics. I wake up early and walk along a local trail saying silent prayers and intentions for my family and those who have passed. This practice helps me both spiritually with prayers and physically with walking. Those dealing with sadness could do something similar following their faith or mindfulness practice. Another option is to look for a Christmas service specifically designed for those who are lonely or have suffered a loss. Our church offers a “Blue Mass,” particularly for those who desire a more subdued celebration of Christmas and want to reflect on their loved ones. Other denominations provide a similar service.

3. Volunteer and Give Back. It is a documented medical fact that helping others helps you. Altruistic actions have been shown to release endorphins. Also, there is always someone else who is suffering like you.

Gordon B. Hinckley, in Standing for Something: 10 Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes, said, “The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served.”

I have found this quote to be very accurate in dealing with the loss of my brother. I will honor him this year by providing a meal to the less fortunate through The Mobile Loaves and Fishes organization. You might want to celebrate a particular charity that your loved one supported. Others are suffering during the holidays from losses such as yours. The best way to lessen the sorrow of your loss is to focus on others.

4. Remember and Memorialize. Think of the fond memories that you have of your departed loved one. I will never forget my baby brother, who could not wait for Christmas. One of the difficult things each Christmas was keeping my brother David from waking up from all his excitement at 2 AM.

My brother Gary and I had a plot to keep David in the room we shared while Mom and Dad slept. To this day, I still do not know why it worked and fooled him every year.

My Dad used plastic on our windows during the Winter to keep in the warmth. Besides keeping out the cold, the plastic also fuzzed up the red light on the radio tower about a mile away enough so we could trick David.

Each time he woke up at night, he asked, “Is it Christmas yet? Let’s wake up Dad and Mom! “Gary and I would point to the red light and say that Rudolph was still flying. Even with that trick, we could only contain him until 5 AM. Then we had to wake Mom and Dad.

In order to delay us while he was getting his Polaroid camera, Dad would say, “Santa is still down here,” and make some rustling sounds to keep us at bay. Oh, how we sat on pins and needles until he gave us the all-clear signal. These positive memories help with the sorrow.

5. Express yourself creatively. One way to memorialize your lost one is with your creative passion. I love to write poetry. And one of the biggest Christmas gifts I ever got was the inspiration I received on Christmas Day of 2021. I had been struggling with a proper memorial for my brother. I knew I had to include his and his wife’s love of dogs. I woke up at 3 am on Christmas morning with this poem fully formed in my mind. I cried tears of joy while writing it down—the names referenced in this poem are the names of my brother and his wife’s dogs.

Zooey looked at Sis,
In that mischievous way,
Where is our Master?
I want to go out and play.

Our yips are a little less yippee,
Our yaps are a little less yappy,
What happened to our Master,
Who always made us happy.

He gave us kisses and never fleas.
He let us do our business on his trees.
What happened to him? Where did he go?
And what happened to our Mom,
She is moving rather slow.

Alvin pawed at Jasmine,
And echoed what Zooey said.
Where is our Master?
Who always patted our heads.

He gave us snacks,
And it was always a treat,
When he let us wrestle,
At the boots on his feet.

Where is he Jasmine?
Where is he now?
We got to help Mom,
And find him somehow.

Then Sis looked at her siblings,
And said with a sisterly grin.
You can’t look for him outside,
You have to look within.

For like our brother Ranger,
He went to his Master above.
Who entered the world one December,
And showered it with love.

And he waits for us in Heaven,
Again, leading the way.
Where there will be no more sorrow,
And all good dogs get to stay.

Then, all four dogs were silent,
As they turned inward and prayed,
And in their souls, they saw our Master,
And again, with their Dad, David,

They yipped and yapped and played!

So, these are five ways to feel happier if your Christmas is Blue. But if they do not work for you, do not allow your grief to become overwhelming, and reach out to a friend or professional help if necessary.
I usually end my podcast with the name of our show, Change Well. But sometimes, a change is hard and sorrowful. In those cases, you may not always be able to Change Well. The loss you feel needs time to heal. But you can always Change Better. You can always draw on friends, family, and others for support. So, when you are blue and not taking the change and the heartache well, you can change better and remember with your heart the one you lost.

The Power of Gratitude-The Story of the Thanksgiving Calves

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Before starting this blog, I would like all my followers to know I have launched a company called Wellness Leadership LLC. If you enjoyed my blogs on this site, please check out, https://wellnessldr.com/ for our service offerings. Also, check out our new podcast, Change Well, available on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and YouTube. More information is available on Podcast

Numerous studies describe the benefits of practicing thankfulness.  One such study in the Harvard Health Review found that keeping a gratitude journal increased happiness.  Two psychologists, Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, have researched gratitude. In one study, they asked all participants to write a few sentences each week, focusing on topics.

One group wrote about things they were grateful for that had occurred during the week. A second group wrote about daily irritations or things that had displeased them, and the third wrote about events that had affected them (with no emphasis on them being positive or negative). After ten weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians than those who focused on sources of aggravation.

I found this to be true in my daily life.  I have kept a gratitude journal over the last seven years.  In addition, I use an app on my phone called HappyFeed to record moments of gratefulness throughout the day.  But one pivotal event in my life will forever cement the power of Thanksgiving.

The event was one of the happiest and saddest in my life. I learned many leadership lessons from my dad -Big D. This story is the last one I learned from Big D and one that I will never forget. It is about the power of being thankful – the ultimate game changer. So, without further to-do, here is the story of the Thanksgiving Calves.

Big D and my mom moved to “The Land” in the late 90s when my Dad retired from Turbocare in Houston. The Land was 30 to 50 acres (depending on how pumped up Dad was feeling that day) in a little town called Slocum in East Texas (population 250). On The Land were a lake (built by my Dad and mom), trees (sycamore, sweet gum), acres of Coastal Grass, and ten extremely overweight cows.

The cows were overweight because my Dad treated them like pets and allowed his grandchildren to feed them early and often. Each cow had a name – Rosie, Susie, Big.

Bertha, etc. – and each was given to a grandchild for a portion of their inheritance.

Dad used to point to a cow and say something like this:

Big D – You see Rosie over there.

Kerri – Yes, that’s my cow! She likes to eat this feed.

Big D – Well, Rosie will have a cow, and that cow will have another cow, which will be for you.

Kerri – Yeah, Grandpop. I love cows.

In the summer of 2002, each of those cows was ready to make the first deposit on the grandchildren’s inheritance. Each was pregnant and set to deliver sometime in November. Unfortunately, Big D was not to see it from here on earth. On November 5, 2002, Big D passed away from a heart attack out near the fence where we would feed the cows. This is the sad part of the story.

Now let’s turn to the story’s happy part and moral. My entire family and I went to The Land for one last Thanksgiving to be with Mom. As we arrived, some light snow had fallen. As we rounded the bend to The Land, we saw two calves just born and starting to walk. The rest of that day and into Thanksgiving Day, nine of the ten calves were born. The only issue was Rosie and her calf belonging to Kerri.

Rosie got extra feed from Kerri and Big D. This was on top of the prodigious coastal grass. Rosie was having trouble birthing her calves. One hour before Thanksgiving dinner, the issue had reached a crisis.

Rosie was mooing loudly and was running around with her half-born calf. Jim from the next farm over had come by to wish us well. He immediately assessed the issue and told my brother and me we had to take Rosie to the vet. Jim went and got his truck and trailer. He also brought our other neighbor, John, another admirer of my dad, and we started to try to corral Rosie into her pen so we could load her into the trailer.

So for the next hour and a half, while the turkey was getting cold, we went up and down The Land, trying to get Rosie into her pen. After many fits and starts (a cow in birth distress is fast and scared), we finally got Rosie behind the plywood gate that passed as our pen.

The next step was filled with hilarity and near tragedy. Before anyone could stop him, my brother Gary got this great idea that he could rope Rosie. Doing his best rendition of John Wayne, he made a makeshift lasso and threw it at her. It did not land correctly but did serve to spook Rosie yet again. I was just outside the pen when the 500-pound cow broke through the plywood gate and straight at me! Let’s say that I moved faster than ever before or since jumping away and landing face down in the mud. Rosie just barely missed me.

Although that last action nearly killed me, it finally tired Rosie out. At 7:00 PM, we finally got Rosie in the trailer. John returned to what was left of his Thanksgiving Dinner after my brother, and I profusely thanked him. Then, Jim and I went to see the vet on call 3o miles away.

On the way to the vet, I secretly prayed that the calf would be all right. Repeatedly, I thought, “Please let the calf be alright,” while Jim and I told stories about Big D and how he would have dealt with Rosie and the calf. I knew he was up there somewhere smiling. We finally got to the vet at about 7:40.

Now, what comes next is fantastic. I had never seen a calf being born; it was a tremendous sight. The vet wrapped a rope around the half-born calf and pulled it. After a few moments that seemed like an eternity, the calf was born – Rosie, Jr. After lying on the ground for a few moments, the calf made its first few steps and was alive. Rosie, although in rough shape at the time, fully recovered.

And at that moment, despite missing Thanksgiving Dinner, I was never more thankful. I was grateful for the gift of the cows from my Dad. I was thankful for the timing and happiness that the calves’ birth gave me and my family. I was grateful for Jim and John, who gave up most of their Thanksgiving to get Rosie to the vet. I was thankful for the gift of new life facilitated by the vet.

Whenever I feel let down or frustrated, I think back to the story of the Thanksgiving calves. And that is a Game Changer. Counting your blessings can change your attitude to one of positivity. It can lift you out of the despair of failure and toward the hope of tomorrow. Here are some thoughts on how to practice an attitude of gratitude.

1. Like Jim and John, who helped to catch Rosie, show appreciation to your family and friends who help you daily. No person is an Island, and our loved ones help us accomplish the mission God has given us!

2. Be thankful for your vocation. Your vocation gives you exciting, engaging work that, quite frankly, puts Thanksgiving dinner on the table (of course, sometimes it prevents you from eating it).

3. Express thanks for the inheritance that was given to you from those who have led the way. Like the Thanksgiving calves that were the inheritance given to my kids from Big D, we all need to remember the people who helped us along the way.

In closing, I would like to share a poem with all of you for this Thanksgiving.

Better attributes you’ll never find,
Then those of being loving and kind!
Showing God’s smile day by day,
Lightening the load along the way.

In this week of thanks and heart,
All of us must do our part,
To spread joy and happiness everywhere,
And to show those around you that you care!

Happy Thanksgiving!

You can’t love someone to health

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“You can’t control another person. It doesn’t matter how much you love them. You can’t love someone back to health and you can’t hate someone back to health and no matter how right you are about something, it doesn’t mean they will change their mind.”

Taylor Jenkins Reid, Daisy Jones & the Six

Anyone who has ever dealt with addiction and unhealthy habits understands the truth behind the statement above from the bestseller and Amazon Prime mini-series Daisy Jones & the Six.  I know from my own experience on both sides of the relationship.  I have tried unsuccessfully to dissuade loved ones from unhealthy habits.  On the flip side, my wife and children tried to stop me from overworking and overeating.  I do not want to stop you from trying to help your family and friends.  However, the truth is that they will not tackle the negative routine until they realize that they have a problem and take concrete steps to change.  They may change for a season, but sooner or later, they will fall into their old routines unless the change is something they want in their soul. 

I will not talk about others, but I know it was the case with my addiction to unhealthy eating and overworking.  Despite my grumpiness and excess weight, I still marvel at how loving my wife and children were to me.  My kids often tried to convince me not to go on an ICR (Ice Cream Run), even though they wanted a Blizzard of their own!  They also had to deal with their dad not keeping up with them or hindering an event.  One event that stands out is my youngest son and daughter when they made the homecoming court.  In the picture below, you see me at near-peak weight after just barely avoiding disaster.  Arriving only 5 minutes from when my wife and I were to walk my son onto the field, my legs cramped up, and I had stretched to the very second I had to arrive on the field. They loved me enough that they wanted me to walk with them.  But I did nothing to change my ways until I was ready.

So, what can you do to help those you love who are off the rails?  There are three things not to do and three things to do.

Not to do:

  1. Nag or beg.   Those in addiction may not do what you want when you love them, but they will not do it if you nag or beg them to stop their behavior.  It will instead put them on the defensive or have them looking for problems on your end.  Here is one example. The few times my wife asked if I really needed another glass of wine or blizzard, I would say something like this:  “You would not ask me this if I had your fidgety habits.  You can eat this and not gain a pound because of your metabolism.”
  2. Disconnect.  I understand that sometimes a person’s addiction threatens to drag you in, so you may need to separate from them, especially during the negative behavior.  But, if at all possible, stay connected with the person.  In that way, you can help them when they are ready.
  3. Enable them.  Even if you do not have a similar temptation, try to avoid activities or actions that trigger the unhealthy behavior of your friend.  If the person drinks excessively, avoid bars and nightclubs on your outings.  If they overeat, avoid the buffet line.  Find other activities that do not trigger harmful habits and potentially reinforce positive habits. 

To Do:

  1. Continue to love them.  I know I opened up with the idea that you cannot love someone into health.  But you can love them through the tough times and be there when they are ready to make a change. 
  2. Intervene when necessary.  Intervention when critical is not the same as nagging.  Also, sometimes love calls for tough medicine.  If someone is about to harm themselves or others, you need to intervene either directly, if possible, or with authorities if you or they are at risk.  When and when not to intervene is often a hard call.    But sometimes, it is the loving thing to do and the only thing to let the other person know they need to change.
  3. Quietly lead by example.  If you can and do not have a similar bad habit, live the positive one you want them to take.  Make a healthy meal.  Ask the workaholic to take a break and walk with you.  It may not work the first or second time.  But, if you keep it up, they will notice your quiet example.

Five Habit Combos for Body and Soul

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Today at our Weight Watchers meeting we talked about the idea of piggybacking to establish beneficial habits more quickly. Here is a simple example. You need to take medication each day which is an established habit. However, you want to also institute the beneficial habit of drinking sixty-four ounces of water. A way to establish the new habit it to place a water bottle next to your pill container. Presto! Now you have a ready-made container with the right amount of water next to your pill box. You need to wash down the pills and in so doing start on drinking the water you need for the day!

I established these habits in losing 150 pounds in just over a year. You can read more about that journey and the Power of Habit in this previous blog Fat to Fit Again! The Power of Habit. Now with the weight off my body, I turned to heal my soul. My physical transformation healed my body, but my soul was still suffering. I was still at times a curmudgeon and my peace of mind though better could still get rattled. So, I decided to piggyback some new soul habits with some of my firmly established body habits. Here are five of the body and soul habit combos that I do on a daily and weekly basis. My habits will have a Catholic Christian flavor, but you can adopt for your own faith practice.

  1.  New Saturday Texas Three Step. I wrote about my initial Texas two-step habit in this blog.The Saturday Texas Two Step! Two years ago, my parish established Saturday morning prayers (called Lauds in the Liturgy of the Hours) combined with Adoration on Saturday in the early morning. This led to my new and improved Texas three-step Saturday ritual. I get up on Saturday at 5 AM and exercise to get as close to my weight target as possible. I then go to my Church and pray for an hour to clear the weight off my soul. After praying (and sometimes Mass), I head to my WW meeting to share wellness ideas with my friends at the 9:30 WW Meeting. And in one fell swoop, I shed weight on body and soul and share fellowship to start the weekend off right!
  2. Mike and Bike. I documented my love of cycling in these previous blogs. Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium, Don’t Stop Believing: A Weight Loss Journey in Three Intervals. Right up there with this love is my respect and admiration of Father Mike Schmitz. He was instrumental in my wellness journey both and body and soul. I started listening to his homilies after a Lenten retreat at our parish retreat and would exercise to his homilies while using the elliptical training. With the launch pf the Bible in the Year podcast, I have taken it to a whole new level with Mike and Bike. At least three times weekly, I put on a 20-minute scenic ride on the Peloton and turn off the sound. I then turn on the daily Bible in the Year podcast and listen to the Lord’s word while circumventing the pathways of Rome, Paris, or the Alps. With each Mike and Bike, I grow in the knowledge of the Lord’s plan for me and build my quads to boot! You can download the Bible in the Year podcast here Bible in a Year if you want to try it.
  3. Marching with Mary. During the month of May, I participated in a fundraiser to raise money for the mental wellness of veterans and soldiers. The StopSoldierSuicide.org fundraiser called for me to March 50 miles during the month of May while carrying a 50 lbs. ruck. My 50+ year old body does not march fast with a 50 lbs. on his back. It was seriously cutting down on my prayer time. I therefore decided to add reciting a silent Rosary while marching. This Marching with Mary practice allowed me to add fifty prayers on each ruck march. In this way, I not only was able to raise money for Veterans, I could pray for them also.
  4. Hinge and Hallow. One of the reasons I walked slow while marching with is weakness in one of my knees. To help this issue, I use a physical therapy application called Hinge Health https://www.hingehealth.com/. This application has a set of tailor-made exercises to help strengthen my knee. While I am doing my Hinge exercises, I listen to the Hallow mindfulness application https://hallow.com/ . This application is an excellent resource for all Catholics and includes everything from The Daily Miracle meditation to Gregorian Chants to books from doctors of the Church. This combination helps me fix my knee and my disposition all at the same time! Here is links to both of them
  5. Exodus for soul (and body). The last body/soul combination is the one that launched it all. Two years ago, I participated with a group of men in my church in Exodus 90. This program is a is a ninety-day spiritual exercise for men based on three pillars: prayer, asceticism, and fraternity . Part of the ascetism practice is daily rigorous exercise, exclusion of alcohol and sweets, and days of fasting. It also includes daily prayer practice. It gave me the idea for the other four practices previously stated. I highly recommend it for all Catholic Men that need a wakeup call for both body and soul. Here is a link to there website https://exodus90.com/.

This fast-paced world can wear the body and the soul. Use the art of habit piggybacking to fight back and build a better you!

The Ballad of Big D

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Reposting of Ballad of Big D on 20th year of his passing:

He was larger than life, his name – Big D,
Born with a heart of gold for all to see,
He loved and fought for his family,
A hero and a teacher, he was everything to me.

Water’s for tear drops, Dickel’s for drinking,
you always knew what Big D was thinking.
Whether at a baseball game or Union hall,
There was never a doubt on what side he’d fall.

Chorus: Big D was not perfect, but he showed perfect love,
In the right direction, you didn’t need to shove,
He always led, never followed,
His pride he at times swallowed,
Guided by a nudge from the Lord above.

He drank a little, cared a lot,
His friends, Big D never forgot,
Luby, Pete, Andy, and John,
None of them forgotten, all of them gone.

We lost him that day, out on the land,
And what followed seem like it was planned,
For God conspired to bring forth new life,
Baby calves to ease the sorrow of his kids and wife.

Chorus: Big D was not perfect, but he showed perfect love,
In the right direction, you didn’t need to shove,
He always led, never followed,
His pride he at times swallowed,
Guided by a nudge from the Lord above

Bridge: Love endures, Faith abounds,
In the silent solace that was found,
From the last story he told his family ,
We love you forever, Our Dad Big D.

Chorus: Big D was not perfect, but he showed perfect love,
In the right direction, you didn’t need to shove,
He always led, never followed,
His pride he at times swallowed,
Guided by a nudge from the Lord above.

If you want to read more about the stories behind the ballad read these blogs on Big D:

https://weightlossleadership.com/2017/12/28/lifes-game-changers-the-power-of-thanksgiving/

https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/04/04/the-lessons-i-leaned-when-running-away/

https://weightlossleadership.com/2017/12/26/lessons-from-leaders-how-to-get-the-iron-out-the-door-and-not-have-it-come-back-in/

https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/06/17/a-fathers-day-tribute-the-one-song-that-always-makes-me-cry/

A Mother’s Love Goes On

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A mother’s love is a gift that resounds through eternity. Bringing a new life into the world enriches the diversity of the universe. A mother’s choice for life is an act of faith, hope and love.

My Mom was the leader of the family.  She was the soul and the heart who taught us how to laugh, love and get along in the world.  I learned many lessons from my mom but here are just three with appropriate antidotes.

  1. How not to take myself so seriously!  Anyone who knows me knows that I am an intense guy.  Part of that is from my Dad who always said this or that is the greatest or the best thing ever.  And part of that is just my anal retentive self.  Mom was the opposite.  She used to loosen me and my Dad up.  Here is an anecdote.  My mom went with me to back to school day back in my junior year when we moved to Texas.  Every 15 minutes we would have to switch classes and meet the teacher.  I walked directly to class while people were trying to flag me down and say high.  My Mom in her Jersey accent would say Donn…nie, why didn’t you say hi to those cute girls that were saying hi to you!  I said something like Mom we have to get to class and I do not want us to be late.  As always, I was too focused on the mission and what was next.  My Mom tried to focus me on relationships and what was now.
  2. Sing from your heart.  My love of singing and whatever literary skills I have come from my Mom.  She loved Debbie Reynolds and old Irish songs.  I grew up with the songs “Tammy”, Irish tunes, and “Frankie and Johnnie Were Lovers” running in my mind.  She taught me to sing from your soul, from my heart.   She also was quite a writer herself as was my Mother In Law Audrey.  To this day, I can never hear the song Tammy without weeping out loud.  It was the song of my childhood and is cemented on my soul!
  3. Love, love, love to the End!   What is it with Mothers?  They love us always and to the end.  My Mom was the same way (as was the Mother of all, the blessed Mother).  Two anecdotes stand out.  I remember back in Jersey being bullied by some kids.  I was the nerdy kid.  Heck my nickname was Richie Cunningham.  My Mom one day tracked them down and chewed them out.  They never bothered me again! The second anecdote was the time in the aftermath of my Dad’s passing.  Mom was the rock that kept us all going.  She demonstrated devotion and everlasting love by staying out in the country of East Texas until the house was sold and the estate settled.  She was struggling but she continued to lift us up and get things done.

Last Thoughts.  My last memory of my Mom is the most meaningful and testament to her love.   I was sitting in the hospital in Richmond, Texas.  My mom was on a respirator and the Doctor asked me and the rest of the family if we should pull her off the respirator.  Even though she pointed to it to stop, we were struggling to give our OK.  We sat there and finally gave our OK.  But Mom had saved us.  She knew her time and had passed.  I will never forget her final act of love.  How she protected us from that decision.

In closing, there will never, ever, ever be someone as great and more deserving of your respect than your mother.  Love them!  Bless them! And, thank them for what you are and what you will be!  Not just this Mother’s Da

Christmas in Jersey

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I am missing Jersey more than ever with the loss of my Brother David earlier on Christmas Week, Dec 20. David always looked upon Christmas with anticipation. The first of the four vignettes below relay one of my favorite memories of David. I will always remember my baby brother who could not wait for Christmas. Miss you brother and hope to see you again in the place where Christmas Day is eternal. For you all who remember him here is a link to his memorial. https://www.woodlawnfh.com/obituaries/David-James-Grier?obId=23460064#/celebrationWall

There are many reasons I still long for Christmas in Jersey. Here are just four.

Crosswicks, NJ Community House
Christmas at the Community House – picture by Katherine Caldwell
  1. Rudolph’s Nose and Dad catching Santa. One of the difficult things each Christmas was keeping my brother David from waking up from all his excitement at 2 AM . Me and my brother Gary had a ploy to keep David in the room we shared. Still do not know to this day why it worked and fooled him every year. My Dad used to put plastic on our windows during the Winter to keep in the warmth. Besides keeping out the cold, the plastic also fuzzed up the red light on the radio tower about a mile way enough so we could trick David. Each time when he woke up in the night and said “Is it Christmas, yet? Let’s wake up Dad and Mom! “, Gary and I would point to the red light and say that Rudolph was still flying. Even with that trick we could only contain him until 5 AM. Then we had to wake Mom and Dad. Dad in order to delay us while he was getting his Polaroid camera would say “Santa is still down here” and make some rustling sounds to keep us at bay. Oh how we sat on pins and needles until he gave us the all clear signal.
  2. The Community House Tree. Crosswicks is a historical town where much history happened. Indeed, George Washington launched his famous Christmas time raids on Trenton and crossing the Delaware from his headquarters at the Quaker Community House in Crosswicks. This history is all fine and good but my favorite memory is from personal history. Each Christmas, the citizens of Crosswicks would light up a large Christmas tree on the grounds of the Community House and sing Christmas songs and drink hot apple cider. For that day, the rivalry between the Black Sox and Red Sox baseball teams would be buried by the tree near the baseball field with voices of joy!
  3. Hoping the club doesn’t come to your house first! My Dad worked as a Steelworker and Union Vice President at DeLaval. His friends from work and their families formed a group simply called the Club. The Club would make the rounds to each family’s house on Christmas. We mostly loved playing with all the kids. Except of course, if you were the first house on the tour. Being the first house on the tour was dreaded because it was when all the kids were really wound up and wanted to play with your new Christmas toys. Wound up kids on Christmas equals broken toys. One sad Christmas, we were the first on the tour. We were excited about our new Evil Knievel motorcycle and track. You would pump the motorcycle with air and it would fly off the track. It was our most prized toy until Jimmy and Kimmey got a hold of it. They pumped it so full of air that Evil and the motorcycle broke after flying a record 10 feet in the air. Much like the real Evil could not jump Snake River canyon, our toy could not make it 10 minutes with the kids from the Club!
  4. Granpop’s Christmas train. My Grandpop grew up in the depression, so he was careful with his money. One of his best cost saving ventures was to buy Ribbon Candy after Christmas at quarter price and put it out the next year! He may have saved his pennies when buying candy, but not when taking care of his grandkids. One Christmas, we woke up and were brought downstairs to see a fully decorated Lionel train set in the cellar. The excitement of us kids was reflected in the joy of my Grandpop’s face as he passed on his love to a new generation.

I hoped you enjoyed these. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Updated: The Real Art of Racing in the Rain

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I am reposting this blog about my brother on his departure from this world and on to the next. I am so glad he got the opportunity to drive through the rain and find a new life and love. David was one of a kind. Miss you brother.

The other day I went to see “The Art of Racing in the Rain”.  At first, I was not sure why I wanted to see it.  I hate driving cars, especially in the rain.  Just ask anyone who has had the misfortune of driving with me.  I am also not overly fond of Dogs.  I despise being headbutted and sniffed by my daughter’s overly affectionate Pitbull or any dog not named Boots (he is OK). 

So why did I absolutely love this movie about a racing car driver, his family, and his Dog Enzo?  And why did I cry a river of tears when (spoiler alert) both the driver’s dog and his wife died?  A bit because I am the ultimate sap!  I punch my fist in the air when Mr. Smith saves the boy scout camp and weep at every Walton episode.  But this was something more.  Then I realized.  The movie reminded me of my Brother David, his love of cars,  his departed wife Debra, and their dogs – Alvin, Jasmine, Zooey.

Three dogs ready to race!

David has loved cars ever since he was a little kid.  One of the most memorable events of my childhood (and one that haunts my dreams) is when David, I, and Gary were waiting for my parents in the station wagon to go on a trip.  David all of 4 years old sat in the front seat. Suddenly, he switched into the driver’s seat, shifted the car in neutral and started steering the car like a crazy man.  My brother and I were helpless as the car backed down our sloped driveway.  We drifted down the hill across a major road (safely thank God) and ended up in the neighbor’s front yard across the street. My parents rushed out to get us and I will never forget the joy in David’s face or terror in the eyes of my brother and me! 

Terror was also in my eyes every time I drove with David.  He treats the Houston highway like the Daytona 500. My heart races as he passes cars, barely missing the bumper.  I in contrast drive like the future Grandpop I aspire to be.  He has translated his love for cars into a career as a truck driver.   He can drive the biggest rig with speed and precision.  He was a lot like Denny, the movie’s lead, except he drove trucks instead of cars.

Also, like Denny, David loves dogs.  In this, he is like his namesake, Uncle David.  Both love Dogs with a passion I cannot fathom.  Uncle David currently has 8 and David 4.  They bring them both joy and I never realized why.   The dogs yap and yip.  Not my cup of tea.  Until the movie showed me why – Dogs are more empathetic than people.  They can realize when you are hurting and give you just what you need to race through the rain and not crash into the wall of life.

In the movie, Enzo the dog helps Denny deal with the premature parting of his wife Eve.  Enzo realizes the signs of Eve’s impending death and helps Denny and Eve deal with her illness and eventual passing.  Eve is like my Sister-In-Law Debra who was afflicted with various neurological  and eventually led to her passing. Now that David has passed I feel the story even more. And a pray that it brings some solace to my new sister in law and my siblings.

Enzo kept Denny whole by driving with him as the rain pulsed down.  Likewise, David and Debra shared the latest antics of Alvin, Jasmine, Zooey, and Cuddles.  David would make Debra’s eyes twinkle with his imitation of the dog’s barking for Debra’s return.  The  dogs also helped my brother to be strong for his wife through unconditional love.    

In closing, there are two quotes from the book/movie that really resonate with me. This one is a quote from the movie.  “If a driver controls his own conditions, then the rain is only rain”.  David through his dog imitations and frequent Facebook posts worked to control the uncontrollable.  In so doing, my younger brother taught me a lesson of how to keep strong through the storm. 

The last quote is from the mind of Enzo the dog.   It is so poignant and meaningful I cannot do it justice.   It is even poignant today with the passing of David.

“I saw her soul leave her body as she exhaled, and then she had no more needs, no more reason; she was released from her body, and, being released, she continued her journey elsewhere, high in the firmament where soul material gathers and plays out all the dreams and joys of which we temporal beings can barely conceive, all the things that are beyond our comprehension, but even so, are not beyond our attainment if we choose…”

Tonight, before you go to bed be like Enzo, David, and the dogs.  Race on through the rain and love unconditionally.  Turn away from the wall and toward new life through love!

Advent: Love’s Everlasting Kiss

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The Mount of Olives

In Advent we wait expectantly for God’s Love Incarnate. Not the gooey eyed love that we experience on a porch swing and a first kiss, but rather the long, hard fought victorious love that endures past a last kiss. The love of a God who so loved the world that he gave his only Son. The Love of our Lord who in the dungeons of Caiaphas, the agony of the Garden, and nailed to the Cross loves us, dies for our sins to be resurrected and gain us a path to Heaven.

The Love of Mary who agrees to bring God into this world and stands there at the foot of the cross. She takes that hard-won love with her to the house of John where she leads the apostles until she is assumed into Heaven and crowned its Queen. The love of a God that endures in the church and the sacrifice of the Saints. The Love despite our faults and sins is coming again to the Mount of Olives!

In closing, the poem that I wrote a few years back on the passing of a loved one is appropriate today. My brother went on to the next life today on this last week of advent. I look forward to we meet again and hold him deal to my heart.

Love does not come easy,
it’s built in trials,
minute by minute,
day by day.
It is built on sorrow,
As much as hope,
Tears and hardship,
As much as laughter.
It does not flit,
It does not float,
It is SOLID,
and it ENDURES!
Why love then?
It is our purpose and mission,
What we were built for,
What God designed!
Because love does not last,
for a minute or an hour.
It lasts a lifetime,
and through eternity.
So, drive on through the pain,
And strive through the sorrow, And with one last kiss,
Reach for the tomorrow.
And, remember in waiting,
Not the words left spoken or tears,
But the smile and loving eyes,
That resound through the years.

The Return: Have A Vision As Big As Texas

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We are approaching Thanksgiving.  This year, 19 years since my Dad’s passing, I will be thankful for the lessons that I learned from him. 

I wrote about two of those lessons in previous blogs linked here. Getting the Iron Out Door – Lessons from Big D for Developers, Life’s Game Changers – The Power of Thanksgiving The second blog is about the day of his passing and the miracle of the Thanksgiving cows.  This October for the first time in 19 years, I returned to the Land described in the blog where I thought the last lesson from my Dad occurred.  But another lesson, equally as important was waiting to be discovered this year!

As discussed in the previous blog, my Mom and Dad left Houston for the Land in the late 90’s.   It was out in the middle of nowhere in East Texas.  I never kept the hand-written directions.  So, I did not know how to get to it anymore, since it was before the time of Google maps and I did not have the street address.  Until on a whim while on vacation in Tyler, TX, I found the new street address on-line!  I now had the location and was close enough (still an hour away!) to drive to the Land on the way back home.

The land and the house that my Dad built looked much the same.  I was a bit amazed at how well the metal house has stood the test of time for 20 years.  The only thing missing were the cows.  I walked around a bit and again thought about that amazing, last Thanksgiving when 10 new calves were born.  Getting up to leave, I glimpsed the lake that he dug with an old rusty backhoe. And with that I left for home with what I thought was the last lesson still in my mind’s eye.  Except it was not the last one!

I remember the first time my Dad started building the lake.  He had just got the backhoe and had begun scraping out a ditch.  He took my brother and I out there.  Then pointing to a muddy gouge with a few puddles, he said  proudly, “Look at my lake!”.  My brother and I started laughing.  Dad said, “Why are you laughing?”.  My bother pointed out, “Dad, when you say lake it connotates images of water!  This is not a lake. It is a puddle.”  Dad just shook his head, climbed in his backhoe and said, “You will you see smart alecks”. 

And we saw.  A year or two later there was full-fledged lake.  The next year there were fish in the lake and a dock.  But Dad kept tweaking the lake up to the day he died.  We wondered why he did this, since he proved his point and given us our initial lesson.   Having returned to the land and now with the direct coordinates in hand,  we were about to find out.

The Land and the Texas Lake

I sent my daughter the coordinates just before leaving from home. She fed the coordinates into Google Earth while we were driving back. The resulting aerial picture of the land and the lake floored me. The picture is above. The lake is more than a fair replica of the State of Texas! The lake was dug before satellite imagery or drones were available. My Dad through persistent sweat, determination, and will made a lake in the shape of the state he loved! He also left us several final lessons from the grave that are applicable for everyday life.

1. Plan with the end in mind.  We did not know it until many years later, but my Dad had an ultimate vision for the lake.  With each tweak and every plough, he was turning a mud puddle into a lake in the shape of Texas.  The lesson for all of us is always start something with the end in mind.  A clear vision gives you a clear direction and keeps you on course even when the going gets tough.   

2.  Don’t get discouraged.  My Dad did not get discouraged even when his two oldest sons mocked his first efforts.  There will be trials along way.  Some rain must fall when building a lake.  But drive on through the rain and stick to the plan. 

3.  Strive to the end.  The weeks before my Dad passed away, he was still making tweaks to his lake to make it further resemble Texas.   He was striving for excellence up to end.  This is a lesson for us in our work.  It is important that when we achieve some success not to stop.  For the excellence of today is the mediocrity of tomorrow. Finish the race.  Keep striving to the end to make your goal a reality!

4.  Try and Try again.  I will perhaps never know how Dad shaped the lake into the outline of the Texas!  He did not have satellite imagery to guide him.  But what he did have was a vision, determination, and the willingness to try and try again.  He ploughed and experimented until he got the lines right.  Sometimes a wrong turn threated to turn his Texas lake into one of Oklahoma!  But he shifted his backhoe, back filled the wrong cut and soon he was on the right side of the Red River! 

Happy Thanksgiving from the Land with one last message from Big D, communicated almost 20 years from his passing from this life to the next.  I know he is up there in the heaven smiling down on a little ranch in Slocum, TX and a lake in the shape of Texas that started as little less than a mud puddle.  May we all strive to the fulfill a vision as big as Texas!

3 out of 5 Ain’t Bad – What to Do When Eating Out!

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It’s 3 days after Thanksgiving, and you are tired of turkey and leftovers.  So, you decide to go out and eat or order on UberEATS.  What do you do to stop adding to the pounds?  Here are 5 proven methods to stop from overeating when eating or ordering out!

1. Track before you attack.  The first rule is always to figure out what you will have before departing.  Most restaurants now post nutritional values in menus on their website.  Read the menu, pick your menu items, and record the calories before departing.  Like a good soldier, never eat without a good plan of attack.

2.  Bring it to Boots! Portion control is the key to keeping your weight down and your friends happy.  In my case, my friend is a bear/dog named Boots shown below.

I always think of my buddy Boots when craving a big steak.  I then make a conscious choice.  I eat 5 oz. instead of 10 oz of a Porterhouse, cutting my calories in half and making my dog leap in delight!  This trick also works with humans, but it is more fun with dogs. Half your plate and make your friend feel great!

3.  Stop the cravings at the Concierge.  Rule 3 works best when traveling, but is easily modified during the current pandemic.  I had access to a concierge lounge back in BP (Before Pandemic) time, when I was traveling a lot for work.  I would hit the concierge lounge and load up on vegetables before going to a restaurant for dinner.  Many times, I would skip dinner and just eat in the concierge lounge.  I lost over 100 pounds following this trick.  I swear by it!  The approach still applies even with limited or no travel.  Eat some vegetables or small appetizers at home before ordering or eating out.  Fill up on veggies, instead of filling out on steak and burgers!

4. Eat like a Plebe.  The faster you eat the more you repeat (think Buffet).  When I eat out, I go back to my training and eat like a Plebe!  We learned to eat slow at West Pont, by squaring our meals, so we would not wolf down food. 

Here is how you square a meal.  You lift your fork straight, bend your fork at a 90 degree to your mouth, straighten your arm back out, and then bring you fork completely down.  You do not bring your fork back up until you completely chewed your food.  On top of this, you needed to take small bites to be able to recite knowledge to senior cadets without your mouth full.  All served to slow how fast we ate, and cut down on our food intake, while practicing good manners.  35 years later, I still eat like a Plebe.

5.  3 out of 5 Ain’t Bad.  I cannot claim this last rule, since I learned it from a colleague.   Every meal at a restaurant usually includes 5 options:  bread, appetizer, entrée, dessert, and alcohol.  The simple rule is to keep it to three!.  Either Bread, Drink and an Entrée or some other combination.  Remember scrap 2 and keep 3!  While I can’t claim this idea, I can confirm it works and claim the below song parody to emphasize.  Make like Meatloaf and remember. 

I want you,

But I don’t need you,

And there ain’t no way I am ever going to eat you,

Now don’t be sad,

Because 3 out of 5 ain’t bad!

Three Out of Five Ain’t Bad

Waking Up to Your Why

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Each morning I wake up with a why in my heart and head; sometimes two!  What is a why?  A “why” is the motivation for taking on something difficult and the purpose for doing so.  A why drives you forward even when you feel you can’t go on.  Why’s are imperative to change a bad habit or get out of a rut.

I did not always have a why nearby.  I did not have an overall cause or purpose from 2007 to 2014.  I wandered without a why, for those seven years.  In the process, I gained over 100 pounds, lost my drive, and in general was a bear to be around.  The years of wandering without a why are described in this blog: Fit to Fat: Lessons Learned While Doubling My Weight

Then three things hit simultaneously at the end of 2014 that got me back on track. First, I learned that I had a serious health issue caused in part by my weight.  Second, I received an invite to my 30th West Point Reunion.  Third, I received a discount to Weight Watchers (now WW) through my company.  The three combined to develop that first why.  I decided to lose weight and increase fitness to look presentable for my 30th reunion and regain my health!

I was introduced to the power of “why” at Weight Watchers and have expanded my understanding through my own story and experience.  Here are 4 things you need to implement your unique why.

1.  Visualize Your Why.   It is important to have a visual representation as to the outcome you want to obtain.  A visual representation serves to remind you why you are making the change and helps to keep you motivated when times get tough.  One way to do that is to create a Vision Board; a series of pictures and text snippets that visualize your goal. 

Below you see the visual representation of my first “why” that I created at WW on the Hay House Vision Board app (located here Hay House Vision Board).  I wanted to do two things as represented in this Vision Board: to lose weight to look decent for my reunion and to get healthy in memory of my parents.  Pictures include my company from West Point, a picture of my parents, my WP graduation picture, a picture at near peak weight with a classmate, an image of my family, and me working out in support of my mission!  I topped it all off with my class moto “For Excellence We Strive, 85”. 

I looked at the Vision Board each day.  It drove forward when times got tough.  I looked at it after getting through TSA with my CPAP machine, so I could get good rest on a work trip.  Or when hitting the hotel gym at 9 PM after work.  Or when avoiding a beer and eating vegetables at the concierge lounge.  Slowly but surely it kept my eye on the prize as I lost 100 lbs. before the reunion.

2.  Adapt Your Why.  Once you obtain one “why”, focus on another.  Whys are not static.  The excellence of today is the mediocrity of tomorrow.  A new reason or mission can drive you on to greater things.  Here are three of my subsequent “Why’s” to show you what I mean.

First, my reunion served to stoke two new motivations.  Having lost 100 pounds, I wanted to lose the other 50+ lbs to achieve Lifetime designation on WW.  Second, I wanted to do something to remember a fellow officer who was lost in Afghanistan by supporting returning Veterans.  Combining the two, I created my second Why that led to the creation of the McEvoy Memorial Walk in support of the Merivis Foundation.  I trained from August to Veterans Day in 2015 to walk 50 miles in one day in support of Merivis and the Young Marines of the Capital Area (read more here Go Big to Get Small – The Art of Improbable Goals ).  In the process, this why drove me to my Lifetime weight goal and raised funding for these worthy organizations.  Here is a YouTube clip on the walk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaaijB9ybX4

My next goal was to maintain my weight and support the children of St. Jude’s by becoming a Certified Spin Instructor and riding the entire 4-hour St. Jude’s Ride for a Reason.  I talk about this motivation in the following blog Spinning is Winning! A Ride for A Reason. 

Spinning helped me maintain my weight, diversify my exercise regime, help a worthy cause, and gain a new skill.  Now I was ready to play it forward with my current Why.

My current why came about due to two events: a milestone birthday and the ongoing pandemic.  Having been given so much, I wanted to pass it on to others.  I came up with a new acronym for my Why – CRAFT.  The acronym stands for Coach, Religious, Author, Friend, and Teacher.  You can read more about CRAFT here 5 by 5, Rumination on a Milestone. 

In simple terms, I wake up each day whether in this blog, my continued workouts, or wellness programs paying it forward. It is now my mission to teach others how to heal both their body and soul, especially during this difficult time.  To impart what I have learned through example, stories, and wellness programs.  Read about one such wellness program called Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium here .   

3.  Share your Why.  When you determine your why, do not keep it to yourself.  Share it with friends and family to help prod you on and keep you on track.  The ability to share helps you immensely.  I am grateful both to my WW Round Rock Saturday group and my sister in law Sheri and niece Rachel for creating Facebook groups.  These communities allowed me to share my motivation and progress toward health.  Live and share your why with friends to keep moving forward!

4. Wake Up with Your Why.  I end with the beginning.  Each day you can take concrete steps to wake up with your why.  I accomplish this through journaling and meditation.  I use the Kindness Journal (located here Kindness Journal) to help prompt me along to realizing my why. 

Each day I record three “I am statements” to help me visualize my end goal.  Here is a recent example in pursuit of my current why:  “I am a devoted coach that passes on the lessons that have served me on my health journey to improve the lives of others”.  I also visualize my favorite moment from the day before and list the thing that I will do today to help make the world better.  The journal helps me focus on why I was put on this earth.  Along with meditation in the form of prayer, I remain fixed and progressing towards my why.

In closing, do not wander and wallow in the unknown without a why.  Instead, visualize your why with these four simple tricks and build a better future for yourself and others!

Memorial Day Walk with Heroes – Respect Their Sacrifice and Each Other

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Memorial Day Honoring Tuskegee Airmen
Memorial Day Honoring Tuskegee Airmen

I just finished watching my favorite annual show – The National Memorial Day Concert.  But this year it was different.  Unlike other years, the show was not live in front of a large crowd because of the current pandemic.  Despite being apart, the stories, speeches, and songs of the soldiers that sacrificed their lives for this country served to unite.  And served to remind us we are all in this together.  Also, how important it is to respect the sacrifice of our fallen by being kind to each other and working together to defeat today’s silent enemy. 

I believe one of the most improbable goals in human history was undertaken by our founding fathers and mothers when they established this country.  A country formed for the ideals of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

But the experiment is fragile.  Too often in today’s time, we do not listen to our fellow Americans.  To see their side and to honor their equal right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.  Indeed, there is too much me and not enough us.  And it is a disgrace to the sacrifices that these brave service men and women gave.  They gave all for us.  Can’t we honor their memory by at least listening to the ideas of our fellow Americans and engage in Civil Discourse?

We all must endeavor to see in shades of grey.  To listen with open ears and understand what the other side is saying to honor the memories of our fallen.  Indeed, it is fitting that the uniform of the United States Military Academy is Grey.  Life is seldom Black and White.  It is grey!  And it is our responsibility to diligently discern the grey by nurturing this fragile dream of democracy and listening to our fellow Americans.   To hear a compelling podcast on this topic from a guy pleading to you as I do, listen to Dan Carlin’s Common-Sense podcast linked here Common Sense – Shades of Grey.

A few years back, I walked 50 miles in honor of Veterans.  It at the time seemed an “improbable goal”.  But what is more improbable, is that a citizenry of people of every creed and race giving their lives for a single idea.  So today as a plea for all of us to get along and work together to defeat this pandemic, I take you through a virtual 50-mile walk with each 10-mile marker in honor of the fallen in the Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy and Coast Guard.

Mile Marker 0 to 10.  Army.  Col. Richard (Dick) McEvoy.   I will start with the person that I know best.  Richard (Dick) McEvoy, USMA class of 1980, was KIA in Afghanistan on August 22nd, 2015 while training the Afghani police. He was a contractor with DynCorp after serving 28 years in the service. Col McEvoy (then Captain) and I served together. He was the epitome of the USMA motto: Duty, Honor, and Country. He was the S-3 and I was the S-2. I also worked with him when he was the Commander of A Company. His company always got the highest scores in inspections and had astounding Esprit de Corps. I looked up to Dick and he was a role model as a calm, no nonsense commander that balanced mission and troops.  He went on to train other soldiers as the Commander of the National Training Center.   Here’s more about Col. McEvoy here McEvoy Memorial

Mile Marker 10 to 20. Navy. LAUREL BLAIR SALTON CLARK, M.D. (CAPTAIN, USN), NASA ASTRONAUT.  Service is not confined to battle in wars, but also advancing the cause of freedom through the courageous act of exploration.  Captain Clark perished in Space Shuttle Columbia on February 1, 2003 while reentering the earth’s orbit.  I remember it like it was yesterday since she perished near Palestine, Texas where the Space Shuttle broke apart upon reentry.  She advanced the US Space mission by conducting over 80 experiments.  She also had a distinguished career in the Navy prior to her mission.  Her squadron won the Marine Attack Squadron of the year for its successful deployment.  She represents the brave women that defend our country and advance the cause of freedom.  Nearly 200 women have been KIA in Afghanistan and Iraq alone.  Read more about Captain Clark here Captain Clark

Mile Marker 20 to 30. Coast Guard. Petty Officer 3rd Class Nathan Brandt Bruckenthal. The Coast Guard is a crucial branch of the Armed Services. They defend our country and embark on humanitarian missions that serve our country and advance our image. Petty Officer Bruckenthal was a damage controlman, who with two U. S. Navy sailors were killed in the line of duty while conducting maritime intercept operations in the North Arabian Gulf.

Bruckenthal and six other coalition sailors attempted to board a small boat near the Iraqi Khawr Al Amaya Oil Terminal. As they boarded the boat, it exploded. Bruckenthal later died from the wounds he sustained in the explosion.  Bruckenthal was the first Coast Guard member killed in action since the Vietnam War.  His service as well as others in the Coast Guard such as our family friends the Lawrence’s advance the cause of freedom by defending our coasts.  Read more here about Petty Officer Bruckenthal here Petty Officer Bruckenthal

Mile Marker 30 – 40.  Marines.  Ira Hayes.  Ira Hayes was a Pima Native American who was immortalized both in the statue in Washington as he lifted the flag on Iwo Jima during WWII but also in one of my favorite songs by Johnny Cash called the Ballad of Ira Hayes linked here Ballad of Ira Hayes.   Ira did not die on the hills of Iwo Jima but back in the country he defended.  He represents all the Veterans that defend us with all their hearts, guts and souls but when they return we do not care for them adequately or honor their sacrifice.  He is memorialized in a statue; let us remember him in our hearts and our actions as we care for the cause of the Native Americans.

Mile Marker 40 – 50.  Air Force (Army Air Corps).  The fallen of the Tuskegee Airmen.  The Tuskegee Airmen is the popular name of a group of African-American military pilots (fighter and bomber) who fought in World War II. They formed the 332nd Fighter Group and the 477th Bombardment Group of the United States Army Air Forces.  They have been immortalized in the movie Red Tails and they went on to produce 3 Generals in the Air Force – Daniel James was appointed a brigadier general by President Nixon for keeping his cool in the face of Qaddafi’s troops, Benjamin O. Davis Jr., the original commander of the 332nd Fighter Group and the first black general in the U.S. Air Force and Lucius Theus, who retired a major general after dedicating most of his 36-year career in the Air Force.  They were one of the most decorated units in WW II and had an amazing record against the German Luftwaffe.  This group of the first African American Aviators fought valiantly in WW II even though they did not have rights in the Jim Crow South.    66 of the 450 Tuskegee Airmen lost their lives in WW II, dying for a country that did not accept them in some areas.  Read more about the importance of memorializing these great Americans and others on Memorial Day here in a letter from the Tuskegee Airman Institute President Tuskegee Airmen Memorial Letter.

Our journey of 50 miles on Memorial Day demonstrates the resilience and sacrifice of the men and women of this nation.  Immigrant or native, white or black, men and women -each gave the ultimate sacrifice.  The least we can do on this Memorial Day is to listen to one another with respect and support this fragile goal of Democracy!  We are all brothers and sisters with one idea – life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  So, the least we can do is to love and understand one another!

Washington’s Rules of Civility Revisited for Today

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George Washington when he was 16 wrote out 110 rules of civility to guide his life. Washington originally wrote down the rules presumably as an exercise in penmanship but later committed them to practice and memory. They helped develop the decorum, civility, and courage that guided Washington through war and the birth of this nation. You can read the Washington’s Rules of Civility here Washington’s Rules

The rules originally composed by French Jesuit priests in 1565 range from the practical to the profound.  At the root of the rules is respect and civility toward friend and foe.  Rule 1 lays this idea out perfectly with the words:  “Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect, to those that are present”.  Many currently in the public sphere would do well to take this rule to heart!

Most of the rules have application today.  One of them that I found particularly compelling is Rule 18:  “Read no letters, books, or papers in company but when there is a necessity for the doing of it you must ask leave: come not near the books or writings of another so as to read them unless desired or give your opinion of them unasked also look not nigh when another is writing a letter.” 

The letters, books, and papers in Washington’s time are the cell phones, twitter feeds and social media today.  Here is a brief update of Rule 18 refined for today’s technology.  “Do not look at your cell phone or multitask while in the company of others, whether it be in person or Zoom.  Put your cell phone in silence mode and only look at it in an emergency after asking permission.  Do not stalk or gaslight your colleagues on social media.  If your opinion differs, comment in a civil tone grounded in fact!” Let’s break it down further.

1.  Put Your Cell Phone Down.  We are tempted to pull out our cell phones at the drop of a hat.  Many of our conversations become nothing more than a battle of dueling cell phones.  With information at our fingertips, it is even more important to listen with full attention to your colleague, instead of trying to one up them with the trending twitter feeds.  Washington knew the importance of being attentive even when the equivalent to today’s social media posts were the dueling pamphlets of competing patriots!

2.  Do not stalk, talk.   It is easy today to form a preconceived opinion of someone from stalking their social media feed or what others say about them online.  It is also possible to ruin a person’s reputation by adding fire to gossip or rumor.  Instead of forming an opinion from second-hand thoughts or unclarified comments, build your judgement of a person’s thoughts and character through direct dialogue. Peering into one’s media presence out of context is like ‘looking nigh when another is writing a letter’ in Washington’s time.  Look not nigh, look them in the eye!

3.  Guard Your Opinions with Reason and Civility.  It is easy to react with emotion when someone writes something you disagree with on social media.  Resist the urge to do so.  If you feel you must post your opinion, do so factually and civilly.  Better yet, pick up a phone or meet the person you disagree with to understand the context.  I recognize there are times when the other person may have not acted with respect or is gaslighting you.  Resist the urge to fight fire with fire.  Instead dowse the fire with the cool water of reason and civility.

Rule 18 is just 1 of Washington’s 110 Rules of Civility.  Most still resonate today.  For example, just think how better off some politicians would have been if they followed rule 2:  “2. When in company, put not your hands to any part of the body, not usually discovered.”  Some of them may be of a bygone era but not many!  I encourage you to read Washington’s Rules of Civility.   What the world needs now is more civility, respect, and courtesy.

Christmas in Crosswicks

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Christmas is meant for community. We are brought together each year by the light that came into the world.  This joy is to be shared among friends, family, and neighbors!   

I remember sharing this joy and love in my hometown of Crosswicks, NJ.  I have written two other blogs on Crosswicks linked here if you want to read more.   American Anthem: More Crosswicks less Crosswise A Penny A Minute, A Lifetime of Lessons

I decided to write this blog after seeing several pictures of my old hometown from my childhood and current friend, Katherine Caldwell.  Other pictures are in the video at the end, also produced by Katherine Caldwell with a new song to an old tune from me.  But the one below of Main Street blanketed in snow got me dreaming of Christmas in Crosswicks.

Crosswicks in Snow image by Katherine Caldwell

I never tire of thinking of Christmas in my hometown.   The snow glistening in the trees.  The 100+ year old Christmas tree bursting into light!  Neighbors singing Christmas Carols around a bonfire and later warming themselves with hot apple cider.  The candlelight service in the 200-year-old Quaker Meeting House.    There are four main reasons Christmas in Crosswicks is special and makes the holiday shine brighter.   

1. Christmas in Crosswicks is Historic!  Crosswicks was settled by Quaker immigrants back in 1677.  Christmas celebrations and worship have been ongoing ever since.  The Quaker Meeting House that still stands and holds the annual Candlelight service each Christmas was built in 1773.    This years’ service went virtual except for the musicians due to COVID on Dec. 20, keeping the tradition unbroken. 

The Christmas of 1776 is particularly noteworthy. Crosswicks was occupied by Colonial troops of  General Cadwallader in preparation for the historic Battle of Trenton which one of the turning points of the Revolutionary War.   

I am also proud that despite Covid, Crosswicks celebrated the 101st lighting of the large Christmas tree that sits in the Quaker fields near the Community House.  To see the magic, look at this link for this year’s virtual ceremony.  Crosswicks Christmas Tree Lighting.  

One last historic Christmas moment relates to a historic building that was three buildings down from my home.  Brick’s Mincemeat Factory was built in 1879 and until 1968 was the state’s largest producer of mincemeat.  It is now a historical building but still holds special memories of the mincemeat pies we had each Christmas. Read more here – Brick’s Mincemeat Factory

The historic nature of Christmas in Crosswicks makes it special but not necessarily unique.  I encourage all in this unprecedented year to learn more about the history of your town related to Christmas. 

2. Sharing of Faith and Fellowship. Crosswicks had diversity when it comes to faith and denomination.  I already mentioned that the city was founded by Quakers and the Candlelight service at the Quaker Meeting House is a fixture of the holiday season.  But one of the things that I remember most about the holiday season is learning about Hanukkah at my elementary school each year.  I still remember the dreidel song taught to us by one of my friend’s mother. Also, that Hanukkah was the Festival of Light represented by the menorah. 

We also had the United Methodist Church which was attended by my good friend.  I would sing with her father, a retired Methodist minister, songs like Go Tell it on the Mountain that we did not normally sing in my Catholic Church.  We also had the historic Grace African Methodist Episcopal Church organized in 1868 located 3 buildings down the street from my house.   The church was  the first African American denomination organized and incorporated in the United States. I remember the Christmas hymns of joy echoing forth from the Church.  We of Crosswicks were of different faiths and denominations but we shared our beliefs and joy openly during the season

3. Joining in Civil Community.  We also joined each holiday season in civil community.  Each year our family joined our fellow “Crosswicksians” in the annual bonfire and Christmas Tree lighting.  We would all circle the tree at the Community Center and sing Christmas Carols both secular and religious.  Voices rising together as one community we sang of hope and love! Later we drank hot apple cider and ate donuts as we shared fellowship about the encroaching holiday Season.  To close the day, Santa Claus would ride on the back of the firetruck and toss candy to all of us.  It was all a kid could want!

4.  Exploring the Wonders of Winter with Friends.  After all that candy, cider, and donuts, we needed an outlet to burn off the calories.  Our rural town (imagine that in Jersey) offered a wealth of options in the winter month.  No Netflix for us!  We grabbed our skates and went skating on the Frog Pond behind the library or better, yet we sled down “the Hill” behind the old Firehouse.   I remember leaving the house at 8 am on some days and not returning until 9 PM.  The only break would be a grape soda and some candy at Applegate’s Market. 

We even exercised when getting our Christmas Trees.  No Papa Noel’s or Walmart for us.  We went with our Dad to cut down a tree at Nicholson’s Tree Farm.  I am envious of my cousin since she still lives down the street. 

In closing, Christmas in Crosswicks was full of faith, fellowship and fun.  That is why some forty years later, I am still dreaming of Christmas in the Crosswicks.  You may be dreaming of Christmas in your hometown.  Christmas in the year of Covid just feels different from those of the past.  We are asked to remain apart and not to congregate.  And when we are not standing apart, we are sometimes ripping each other apart with cutting remarks. 

For all, the light of Christmas may seem a bit dimmer this year.  And, despite our best efforts to set our homes alight like the Griswold’s, we cannot capture the brightness of a smile or the warmth of a human touch.  Light does not come from a bulb! Rather it comes from hearts joined with the joy of Christmas! 

I think God and nature conspired to replicate the Christmas star this Solstice, 2020 to remind us that when two planets conjoin their lights, the heavens are brighter.  Let us conspire, like my neighbors in Crosswicks, to virtually cross our wicks to bring the light of hope! Let us share the spark of humanity with each other to break the isolation of Covid and the rancor of rivalry! 

We may not be able to be together in real time this year, but we can strive to be together virtually.  Reach out to old friends on Zoom.  Say a prayer for someone in need.  Donate to a charity.  And most of all honor the light that has come into the world with worship and kindness for all.  And until next year, I am dreaming of Christmas in Crosswicks.  Let me close with a song.  

The lyrics are below:

Photos by Katherine Caldwell, lyrics and sung by Don Grier to tune of White Christmas

Christmas in Crosswicks

I am dreaming of Christmas in Crosswicks,

Just like the ones I used to know,

Where people got together,

In all kinds of weather,

To watch the Christmas tree aglow!

I am dreaming of Christmas in Crosswicks,

And the bonfires in the night,

May all your memories be bright,

And when we cross the wicks with neighbors, we bring more light!

Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium

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The ongoing pandemic is stressful.  The recent pandemonium around the Presidential Election even more.  What is the anecdote?  Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium (PP))!  What is that?  Read on!

My love affair with spinning is chronicled in several of my previous blogs listed here Spinning is Winning! A Ride for A Reason Back in the Saddle for St. Jude’s Don’t Stop Believing: A Weight Loss Journey in Three Intervals Heroes of Health Series, Episode 2 – Corey the Cycling King.  Spinning classes helped me regain my health, brought me new friends, and a new skill as a certified instructor! So, when the pandemic hit, I loss my number one stress outlet.  My gym and cycling class were closed.  I could no long Clip-In and Tune Out before or after a long day at work.  What to do? Peloton!

Peloton for those uninitiated is a virtual platform for cycling and other exercise programs.  You can ride with other cyclists around the world virtually!  You can do so either on the Peloton stationary bike or by using the  Peloton virtual service available on your phone, with your own equipment. On Peloton Live In-Studio rides you can compete with other cyclists on the virtual leaderboard.  They have excellent instructors who are fun and uplifting like my four favorites Jenn Sherman, Leanne Hainsby, Alex Toussaint, and Kendall Toole.  The others are great too!

I had used the virtual Peloton app as a supplement to my gym spin class.  But now decided to get the bike.  I loved it from the moment I got it.  And it made me think that my fellow work colleagues would love it too.  So, I and a friend came up with a virtual stress valve program appropriately called Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium.  Each week we pick up to 3 live rides and post the time and date on our company’s local website.  People join with our group’s hashtag and we have a fun virtual race.  Also, we give each other virtual high fives and chat as we ride. 

Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium helps us stay healthy and happy during these difficult times.  Here are the three major ways that PPP helps to keep you sane in these insane times:

1.  Endorphins!  Spinning, especially the Peloton variety is an endorphin rush.  The mixture of music and interval exercise brings a flood of endorphins that helps to counter the darkest thoughts.  The endorphin- exercise connection is well documented (read here WebMD Article).  PPP is the way to crush, despair with an endorphin rush!

2.  Tune-in and Sing!  I love exercising to music.  Nothing is more relaxing and stress relieving then belting out your favorite tunes as you spin. The good news about PPP is you can sing in the comfort of your own home.  No embarrassment and no drowning out by the person next to you.  But watch out!  Singing too loud while biking at 100 RPMs can nearly cause you to pass out.  I need to watch it the next time we do another Hamilton (Robin Arzón) or Bon Jovi (Kendall Toole) theme ride.  (Need to add Jenn Sherman’s Epic Sing Along Series).

3.  Community.  Peloton and our company group PPP is a community.  We care about each other.  We high five when people hit a milestone and pick them up when they fall-down.  In addition, theme rides really help celebrate commonalities and share hardships and trials.  One of the best such rides is Kendall Toole’s ride on World Mental Health Day which focused on the importance of Mental Health.  See my thoughts especially on Veteran’s Mental Health here. Mental Health Thoughts

So, there you have it.  Three ways Peloton helps you with the Pandemic and Pandemonium of today!  Message me or comment if you would like to participate in PPP!

Elvis and the Pandemic

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Two songs sung by two Elvis’s are my go-to’s during this Pandemic. Both speak of driving through hard times with hope around the corner. They acknowledge the pain while seeking the future.  And my favorite part.  You can belt them out with a beer in hand after a hard day.

The first one is from that other Elvis, and truth be told my favorite Elvis – Elvis Costello.  Unlike his other hits, he did not write this one (Nick Lowe did) but Elvis does the best rendition – “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love And Understanding” . For you have not hear it, here is the official version https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssd3U_zicAI.

I once listened to this song on repeat at least 20 times after a hard week.  The first verse and the chorus tell the story:

“As I walk through this wicked world
Searchin’ for light in the darkness of insanity
I ask myself, “Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred and misery?”

And each time I feel like this inside
There’s one thing I wanna know
What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?
What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?”  Lyrics Nick Lowe

Every time I read a friend attacking another friend on Facebook in some political fight or hear about the loss of another brave soul I ask myself the same question in the first verse. But then catch myself and realize that the peace, love, and understanding lies within me. Our soul longs for peace. We just need to cling to it and understand that everyone carries pain. It is up to you to bring inner peace, to show love to your friends and enemies, and understand the pain and hope of others. Rise to the occasion, extend a hand and be the peacemaker.

The second song is by the THE Elvis – Elvis Presley. This song was sung for the first time in Elvis’s Comeback Concert in 1968 at the end.  It was written by Walter Earl Brown and came 2 months after Martin Luther King’s assassination.  It also contains some MLK quotes.  Only 5 at the time, I still remember it.  Here are some of the words. 

“There must be lights burning brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue
If I can dream of a better land
Where all my brothers walk hand in hand
Tell me why, oh why, oh why can’t my dream come true,

Oh why.

There must be peace and understanding sometime
Strong winds of promise that will blow away the doubt and fear
If I can dream of a warmer sun
Where hope keeps shining on everyone
Tell me why, oh why, oh why won’t that sun appear

We’re lost in a cloud
With too much rain
We’re trapped in a world
That’s troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly”

The Elvis’s sang the truth!  What’s so funny ‘bout peace, love, and understanding?  Absolutely NOTHING!  Is there a light shining brighter somewhere? It is in our grasp.  If we choose to live, love, learn and lead!  

Here is my attempt at channeling Elvis.

Not Elvis but maybe not bad. Be the brighter sun! 

NYPD Blue

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23 died when the towers fell,

You left your families, walked through hell,

For a cause both righteous and true,

Selfless sacrifice of the NYPD Blue.

42nd street was a mess,

And so was Times Square,

In the eighties,

Before order was there,

You built back a city,

Where dreams again flew,

You restored it,

The officers of the NYPD Blue.

The whole world took notice,

At the work you had done,

And sought to learn,

How the streets were won.

How soon they forget,

What is undeniably true,

New York is not New York,

Without the NYPD Blue.

Lost and Found

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I wish I could reach back,

Reach back in the past,

When my soul was innocent,

And my heart pure.

When I could look at something,

And say “There, that’s right,

I know it to be right,

I have no doubts.”

But age begets doubts,

And time desperation,

In a world charged with sorrow,

Nothing is for certain,

nothing for sure,

All we can do is love,

And love some more,

Hoping God is smiling on us,

To bring about a better day!

Hope in Hamilton!

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I have hope in Hamilton! I have hope in humanity! I have hope in the USA!

This July 4th I watched patriotic, uplifting musicals from dawn to dusk.  Hamilton, followed by Sound of Music, followed by Hamilton, followed by Yankee Doodle Dandy, followed by Hamilton yet again. Here are five reasons Hamilton is quintessential American, quintessential human, and resonates and resounds.

1. Hamilton is a work of staggering genius!  I love anyone who can take a tome like Chernow’s Hamilton and turn it into a work of artistic genius.  Do not get me wrong.  I read Chernow’s Hamilton from cover to cover and as a history buff, I loved it.  But how Lin Manuel could turn that book into 20+ songs ranging from rap (Hamilton, Not Giving Away My Shot, etc.) to ballad (Quiet Uptown, Burn) to Pop Song (Helpless, Schuyler Sisters, Wait for It), to Broadway classic (All King George songs) is beyond me.  And just so you do not think I am confining to my enthusiasm to this blog.  I stood up at the beginning of intermission at Hamilton and embarrassed my kids by shouting “This is a work of staggering genius!”.  This got some head turns but mainly high fives from those around me.  Lin Manuel is a modern-day Shakespeare!  So, take that CNN!

2.  Immigrants, we get the job done!  This country was built by immigrants.  Hamilton is the prototypical immigrant, who built this country.   He was young, scrappy and hungry, and refused to give away his shot! My Great Grandfather Charles Henry came here during the Irish Potato famine and built a life in the US.  He built a life by the sweat of his brow and love of this country.  One thing I will always remember is he tried to enlist at the age of 50+ during WW II and was denied due to his age!  My great uncles fought with Patton in WW II.   We are a country of immigrants that get the job done!    Read my blog from a past July 4th on the topic here: America the Beautiful But Broken: A Prescription and a Promise (Re-post)

3.  “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” I get the gist of the CNN critique of Hamilton.  Yes, the founding fathers punted on the question of slavery.  But I do not agree that they should not be celebrated.  Washington, Jefferson, Hamilton and others set in motion this fundamental truth.  “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”  They were men of their times but had the moral courage to set in motion a belief that resounds through history.   We as humans are fallible.  But as humanity we progress.  Only when we forget the creator, and the fact that there is something that bonds us together beyond the color of our skin do we diverge from the arc of justice. Fight for the arc! Bend, love and do not break.

4.  Diversity in opinion, breeds innovation and progress.  One thing that really resonated in Hamilton was the diversity.  The play had diversity of race, but I am talking about the diversity in opinion of our founding leaders.  I absolutely love the diversity expressed in the Cabinet Battles and the whole play.  We are free to express our divergent opinions in the USA.  They drive us forward, even at times we may take a step back.  But please in Civil Discourse not in duels. Barbara Jordan taught me Civil Discourse Ms. Jordan’s Lessons on Civil Discourse  No more Quiet Uptowns.  Let us resound the valleys and peaks with liberty and love!

5.  Last reason is personal.  I love Hamilton.  I love the genius of our nation.  That despite the fallibility of human nature, that we progress.  We love.  We wallow in angst but lead.  I love this country with all its flaws but most of all its genius.  I HAVE HOPE IN HAMILTON!!!!!!

Love this Country!

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I love this country,

more and more,

From the Rockies’ peak,

To Grand Canyon’s floor!

I love this country,

Yes, it’s true!

Whether in a Red state,

Or one that’s Blue.

Watch West Side Story,

Or Hamilton.

Let’s pull together,

And act as one.

March the streets,

Have your say,

But let’s come together,

At the end of the day,

And love this country!

Love it true,

And wave it proudly,

The Red, White and Blue.

Don Grier, July 2, 2020

Let’s Celebrate Fathers as Builders!

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This Father’s Day I celebrate Dads as builders! I revel in those fathers that built buildings, built large families, built Turbines, built farms and built all of us up to love! Amidst all the tearing down recently in our country, it is time for us Fathers to build up!  Here are four examples of Father’s building up.

1.  Building a family with bricks and good earth.  My Father-In-Law along with his wife  built a loving family of 10 borne on bricks, love, and good Minnesota earth.  The first time I met Cal, he took me to his Raspberry farm to work and to talk about his tractor.   This was the same raspberry patch that my wife and her nine siblings learnt responsibility each summer.  Later, Cal took me to see the buildings he built as a Union Bricklayer.  As we talked, I appreciated how he built a family brick by brick, berry by berry.  A man of few words, his example spoke volumes.

2.  Building engines that power cities, civil life, and a family.  My father Big-D was a dynamo! Like the turbines that he built at his work, Big-D energized civil life and a family through respect and love.  He was a Union Vice President, a Cub Master, a baseball coach, and president of several civic organizations.  He taught me and the community how to throw a curve ball, build a car for the Pinewood Derby, and how to negotiate to get what a worker needs and deserves.  Countries are built on civic organizations not tweets!  Read more here (American Anthem: More Crosswicks less Crosswise )  Dad along with my mother taught us how to live, love and learn in a community. 

3.  Building in the background with humility and hard work.  God is the ultimate father as builder.  He built heaven and this good earth which we are called to protect.  And when God was selecting an earthly father to protect and teach his only Son, he selected St. Joseph.  A quiet, humble man, Joseph patiently taught the Son of Man how to build amongst humanity with his hands and heart.  Joseph stood in the background and let his work show forth through the works of the Son.  Joseph prayed and sent a path for what all good Father’s wish for their Sons; a life that eclipses their own and sets the world aright.

4. Building bridges of love.  My first three examples are no longer walk in physical form with us.  But I know that their example lives on teaching us to build bridges of love across all humanity.  I see the builder in my cousin-in-law Uriah and the example he sets forth for Jessica my cousin, and their two young daughters, one only days-old.  I see it each day as he builds up the love bursting forth in a young family through hard work and compassion.  Getting up at night to comfort a little one and waking up each morning early to work each day just a little sleep deprived.  And I remember how hard it is to be builder and cheer as his family grows in love and to serves as an example to all of us that love knows no bounds.   

A Father’s love knows no boundaries.  It builds up instead of tears down.  It builds bridges across humanity and through time!  It is color blind and love rich.  Let’s all be builders in our families and society!

The Lessons I Learned When Running Away

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Some of the most important lessons we learn from our Fathers are those during time of conflict.  It is inevitable that a son and his Dad will have a confrontation as a son grows to a man.  A good Dad  turns that confrontation into lessons that the son takes with him for a lifetime.  On this Father’s Day, I recall one confrontation and what my Dad taught me.

When I was 16, I made the rash decision to run away.  I was distressed that I was moving away from my home in New Jersey and losing my friends.  It was understandable in some respects.  I was half way through my junior year and was tied to my school and in particular my first girlfriend.  I thought the world was ending but really it was only beginning.

I remember the day as it is almost yesterday.  My Dad was a bit steamed after my Grandpop, Uncle, Aunt and cousins came over to wish us off.  As to be expected, everyone was sad to see us leave and a lot of tears were shed.  I remember my Dad saying something to the effect that he could not take another person crying (my Mom’s family was Irish and as the stereotype goes a bit emotional).  I just got upset and belligerent after hearing that.  I told him “Well, I am half my Mom’s side and I am not crying and promised to take off.”  He half dismissed it but I did not.  At that moment, I decided to run away.

My great idea was I would run as fast as I could the 5 or 6 miles to Yardville to my Uncle Johnny’s house and hide out in the woods.  Then when my family left for Texas heartbroken, I would have my cousin bring me food while I lived out in the woods behind their house (I said the idea was rash!).  Just to show what crazy things teen age love can do, I decided then and there to take off.  I ran with all my might and with the stuffed toy Dog (Little Rascal) my girlfriend gave me.  I set off to Yardville to hide out in the woods.

Back then I could run fast.  I ran out of Crosswicks out past Ocker’s Barrel where my Dad worked when on strike (which you see below).  I got 4 and a half miles and was just about to turn off the main street to my Uncle Johnnie’s house when my Dad in the car caught up to me.

Ocker's Barrel
Ocker’s Barrel as I ran past

I do not know how he knew where I was going.  I will never forget it.  He told me that he was sorry and that I and all of my Mom’s side were tough.  He then explained that we needed to move to Texas to make a better life.  Part of the steel mill was moving down South and as a result he was not reelected as union Vice President.  He got an offer in Texas for his work and we needed to move to make a new life.  He then hugged me and I got in the car.

My brothers and my sister (although she was a bit young) can attest that I was not a happy camper on the way to Texas.  I sat sullen and made sure that I never took a turn in the middle seat.  My brothers adjusted better.  Each chance I could I would either write or try and call my girlfriend.  Let’s just say I was not a happy camper.

But I should have been!  Texas turned out to be a great place to complete my High School years.  And we literally were still in Jersey (not New Jersey but Jersey Village, outside of Houston)!  I learned four valuable lessons on my attempted run away and capture:

  1. I was self-absorbed. Yes, I lived 16+ years in New Jersey but my Mom had lived 38!  She was leaving the family and friends she grew up with for the family she nurtured and loved.  I still remember my Granpop’s hands shaking and my Mom tearing up on the day we left. My Dad, although a Texan by birth, was also leaving behind more. He had lived in New Jersey for 20 years and was now had ties as deep there than in his native state.  Known as Big D, he was leaving his friends, co-workers and the community where he was the coach of the Red Sox, the Cubmaster of Pack 55, and institution at NBC wresting matches and football games.
  2. Moving to a new place meant new friends. After a few months adapting (boy the football coaches had fun with me and my brother’s accents!), I met new friends, dated new girls and created lasting relationships that still endure.
  3. I learned a lesson that I covet as a Father. Sometimes when you are providing for your family you have to make a hard decision.  My Dad would have liked nothing more than to stay in New Jersey where he built so many bonds.  But the steel mills were moving South (and later off shore).
  4. The last lesson from him is the power of apology.  I should have apologized to him not the other way around! I will never forget when he caught up to me in the car and took me home.  It takes a big man to apologize to angst filled son!

American Anthem: More Crosswicks less Crosswise

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I turned off the news yesterday because I just could not take it any more. Whether you watched CNN, MSNBC, or FOX, it was all the same. People pointing fingers. People shouting at people and not listening to each other. And much worse than that. As I shut down the vitriol on my TV, I asked how has this nation devolved into an us versus them mentality.

It was not always that way.  We once had civil discourse and the social intermediaries (clubs, little league, community centers, and other institutions) that brought us together.  I think the late Charles Krauthammer who both served as Walter Mondale’s speech writer and conservative commentator, said it best: “Of course we are shaped by our milieu. But the most formative, most important influence on the individual is not government. It is civil society, those elements of the collectivity that lie outside government: family, neighborhood, church, Rotary club, PTA, the voluntary associations that Tocqueville understood to be the genius of America and source of its energy and freedom.”

We have gotten extreme, but it was not always that way. We did not always launch ourselves into the opposing sides of Twitter feeds at the drop of a hat, but rather listened to the opposing sides of people we respected in our community. We sought out the commonalities that brought us together and the spark of humanity that resides in each one of us.   We listened to one another and learned from one another at the PTAs, Little Leagues, Community Centers and institutions of everyday life.  We need to return to these social institutions and turn away from the emptiness of social media.

The best example of a community of sharing and caring is the town that I grew up in Crosswicks.  My town’s main claim to fame was it was the launchpad of the revolution – the Battle of Trenton that won us a country and a nation.  In that town of Crosswicks, we had a mix of liberals and conservatives that all got along and progressed for the betterment of our country and our community.  Thinking about my hometown, I started thinking how did our nation – the collective Crosswicks – become so Crosswise?  What caused the demise of the democracy?  Simply this.  When you cross the wicks (Crosswicks) of a candle, the light burns brighter.  But when you get cross wise, the fire of freedom becomes extinguished.

Picture of Crosswicks

So tonight, I will ruminate on what made our little hamlet of Crosswicks bring people together instead of pulling them apart.  And the answer is quite simple – it was community organizations not affiliated with governments, Facebook, or corporate organizations.  It was organizations by the people, for the people and run by the people.  Let me talk about three of them:

  1. Little League – Back before the day of club Soccer run by professionals, we had Little League. It was run by volunteers who wanted to teach kids a sport and bring communities together.  I am now 55 and can still remember every moment of every Chesterfield Red Sox versus Chesterfield Black Sox game.  The whole community came together to watch the teams compete.  There may have been some arguments on the fields of friendly strife, but what I remember the most was being with my friends, learning from my father and other parents, and sharing fun with the community.  I am not trying to cut down club soccer which is still a unifying organization.  But there is something different learning from the people of your community instead of professionals that are getting paid.
  2. Scouts – I cannot talk to Girl Scouts, but I can talk to Cub and Boy Scouts. These institutions brought together people from all walks of life for fellowship and fun.  Both my mother as a Den Mother and my Father as a Cubmaster were involved.  We got to learn how to compete fairly in the Pinewood Derby and Rocket races.  We also learned how to develop our skills and help one another with our various badges.  As part of a Den, Pack or Troop, you learned how to cooperate and care for those in your group.  You also learned about how through differences and diversity, you create strength.  I will never forget how our Boy Scout troop was able to take the disparate talents and succeed in a weekend campout.
  3. Community Center and Library – The heart of Crosswicks was the community center and library.  In the summer program at both institutions, I first fell in love with books, learned how to draw a cartoon dog and cat, and participated in parties on Halloween and Christmas.  It did not matter the color of your skin, your political institution, or your religion.  All the people in Crosswicks were brought together to share in fellowship and learn new skills.  In the end, it is really what you learn and apply rather than what you earn and deny that makes a mark on the world.

These are just three of the intermediary institutions that brought us together in Crosswicks.  I will never forget the friends that I made. And, even 40 years later, when my friends from Crosswicks express their disparate views, some quite different from my own, I listen and learn.  Never underestimate the power of Crosswicks and intermediary institutions to bring people together.  Let us all as a nation, cross wicks and make the light of our common humanity shine brighter!

Commissioned to Love

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What does it mean to be commissioned?  The simple Webster definition is “an instruction, command, or duty given to a person or group of people.”  But what is the instruction, what is the duty?  Who gives the command and to whom is the command given? And is their one great commission that we all should follow? 

I started thinking about this on May 24, the day when as a Catholic, I celebrate Jesus’s Ascension and the Great Commission.   Here is the first reading that occurred on that day from Acts 1:

He answered them, “It is not for you to know the times or seasons
that the Father has established by his own authority.
But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you,
and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem,
throughout Judea and Samaria,
and to the ends of the earth.”

Acts 1

And what was the power that was bestowed by the Holy Spirit?  The power to know that you are loved and to bestow that love on others. To live out the commandment in courage and strength that Jesus gave on the last supper

This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

John 15:12

This was the Great Commission and commandment that we are meant to follow.  What happened on May 25th , 2020, the very next day after this celebration, was the opposite of the Great Commission.  Call it the Great Betrayal.  An officer who was commissioned:  “TO PROTECT WITH COURAGE, TO SERVE WITH COMPASSION” did the exact opposite.  There was no compassion shown to George Floyd nor courage displayed by the officers that renounced their commission.

Now as the nation struggles with this betrayal and the many that have occurred before it, we need to cling to the hope and love set forth in the Great Commission. We need to practice the three P’s:  Protest Injustice, Protect Your Neighbor and Heart, and Pray for Love and Understanding.  We have seen many doing just this but unfortunately there are others who tear down instead of build-up.

In search of hope, I look back and forward to two other commissioning’s – one recent and one happening this week.  On Saturday May 30th,  Nasa and Space-X went on a successful co-mission as they launched the first commercial manned rocket to the space station.  The private and public sector blended their unique talents on a co-mission to space and allowed us to hope that we could boldly go were no man has gone before – a world were differences are celebrated. As Gene Rodenberry, creator of Star Trek puts it: 

“If man is to survive, he will have learned to take a delight in the essential differences between men and between cultures. He will learn that differences in ideas and attitudes are a delight, part of life’s exciting variety, not something to fear.”

Gene Rodenberry

I also look forward to the graduation and commissioning of the West Point Class of 2020 on June 13th.  I look forward to the cadets to taking the oath to serve.   In the words of LTG Darryl A. Williams, our first black West Point Superintendent (you can read the full letter here https://s3.amazonaws.com/usma-media/inline-images/about/Public%20Affairs/homepage/pdfs/superindendent_sends_06.04.2020.PDF):

“The oath to support and defend the Constitution binds us together as one team, dedicated to defending our Nation and upholding its values. We strive to embody these ideals and aspire to live by our core values of duty, honor, and country. Every word, every action, and every attitude should uphold those values so that we may live and lead honorably. The Nation looks to West Point as an example of what is possible when people from diverse backgrounds unite and aspire to honorable living.

Consider how your words, actions, and attitudes impact other people. Are you building up others and making them feel valued? Are you strengthening trust within the team? Are you extending forgiveness, and actively listening to other points of view? Are you inspiring others to greatness? If so, encourage others to do the same. If not, then choose to improve—immediately. Muster the moral courage necessary to confront and solve problems with effective, honest, and empathetic dialogue that seeks solutions rather than sowing seeds of division and disunity.”

LTG Darryl A. Williams

Let’s build up instead of tearing down.  Let’s celebrate the differences.  Let’s love one another and protect each other’s heart.  Let’s live out the great commission!

A Walk with History: Overcoming Slavery’s Stain

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I wrote this blog a few years back but have decided to re-post due to recent events. It is relevant today as we stand in solidarity to stop the brutality we saw done to George Floyd. We must take this opportunity to work to overcome slavery’s stain. To stand with people of color and all of us to Protest the Injustice, Protect our Neighbors, and Pray for Love, Kindness and Justice for all.

I am just returning from a week long vacation visiting historic sites in Virginia.  This is the first of a series of blogs on what I learned.  This lesson is the most important.  I gained it while visiting the National Museum of African American History and Culture in DC and tours/talks on slavery at Montpelier, Monticello, and Colonial Williamsburg.

National Museum of African American History and Culture
National Museum of African American History and Culture

What I took away from this experience is four things:

  1. We owe a debt of gratitude to those enslaved and their descendants for building this country that is hard to repay. The impact that African Americans had on building this country far surpasses their percentage of the population.  From the plantation slaves to the Tuskegee Airmen from Marcus Garvey to Martin Luther King, the smarts, sweat, ingenuity and determination of African Americans was a driving force in building this country.
  2. Slavery was just pure evil and despite the myth, there was no such thing as a “good” slave owner. This was hammered home on both at the Montpelier and Monticello tours.  Madison’s stepson John Payne Todd after taking over the estate, ran the estate into bankruptcy and along with his mother Dolly Madison sold off the slaves and broke up families in attempt to pay off debts due to John’s profligacy.  Monticello’s tour of Mulberry Row hammered home even more poignantly the evil nature of slavery.  Our tour guide was from the Bronx and in the typical no-nonsense way of a New Yorker shattered the myth that Jefferson was a lenient slave owner.  Although he decried slavery in his writings, he only freed 6 slaves (less than 1 percent of those at Monticello).   And, of those freed, 4 of the 6 were his children by Sally Hemmings as genetic testing suggests.  Most of the rest were sold to pay off the debt of Monticello upon his passing.  This does not take away from all the good that Thomas Jefferson and James Madison done.  Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence and Madison’s Constitution set in motion the ideas that would eventually topple the paradox of slavery.  But these flawed men could not fully escape their times.
    Slave Quarters at Monticello
    Slave Quarters at Monticello
  3. The stain and impact of slavery continued through segregation and still echoes today. The African American museum is arranged so you start underground with the initiation of slavery and progresses as it is abolished in the Civil War and segregation is ended with the Civil Rights Act. You learn the impact on family structure as families are broken apart and sold to different owners.  You see the injustice of people being lynched just because of the color of their skin.  Perhaps, the most moving moment in the whole museum and one that makes me ashamed of my historical ignorance was the memorial to Emmett Till.  I always thought that the event that initiated the Civil Rights campaign of the sixties was Rosa Parks, but it was the murder and memorial for Emmett Till six months prior.  Emmett, a fourteen-year-old young man, who was visiting his relatives in South, was brutally murdered for supposedly looking at a white woman in a disrespectful manner.  His beaten body was then dumped in a swamp.  When his body was recovered, his mother bravely requested an open casket funeral for all to see the evil of racism.  Unbelievably, the two individuals that all evidence points to have committed the act were found not guilty by an all-white jury.   I was happy this week to see the case to be reopened with new evidence. Emmett Till and his brutal murder was one of the key event that launched the Civil Rights movement and we as Americans must remember its history along with Rosa Parks, the sit-ins, and Martin Luther King.  We must not forget. And we must stand-up and pass the legislation in Emmett’s name being held up in the Senate currently.
  1. We must be ever vigilant. The museum climbs from the basement to the ground floor with the presidency of Barrack Obama.  In this way, it is meant to show America as it progresses from the depths of slavery to the promise of a more equal future.  But there is nothing in the museum that prevents a person from walking back down through history into the basement.  Indeed, in the last years we have taken some giant steps back with George Floyd, Ahmaud Aubrey, Breonna Taylor. But we have and need to start climbing again. America in better than this! We still hear the echoes of slavery and the vestiges of the past.  This time I spent in our nation’s past has hammered home in me the need to be ever vigilant.  We cannot let the mistakes of the past repeat themselves.  We must continue to stand for civil rights and secure justice.  To be on guard and fight for equality for all and a more perfect union.

A Daughter, A Dog, and A Not So Old Man (Part 1 of 2 Part Series)

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Two recent events forced me to accept something that I have been putting off for two years.   I am now officially a “Senior”, and, as such, there are certain things I need to adjust.

The first event’s linkage to my advancing age is apparent.  My youngest of four children Kendall graduated from college recently.  She may not have been able to walk across the stage due to the current pandemic.  However, her name flashing across the scoreboard at Texas A&M’s Kyle field signified that my wife and I were officially empty nesters (Gig’em!)!  

Graduation Name - Kendall

The second event, our dog Boots’ reaction to the loud rainstorm in Austin last night may not be so apparent (more in Part 2 of this blog!) A Daughter, A Dog, and A Not So Old Man (Part 2 of 2).  But both conspired to make me finally accept my new season in life.

I did not embrace my age two years ago! When I turned 55, I staged a ritualistic burning of my AARP card application on YouTube (see video below).  

I was trying to show that I had no intention of slowing down in what I then thought was a humorous way.  It was not! The part not captured on the video could have caused me to miss my next birthday, but in hindsight was funnier.  The part I cut out is the AARP card caught fire rapidly and I had to drop it.  I asked for someone to give me some water to dash the flames.  Unfortunately, the pan with the water had been in the sink with some oil that had not been removed.  The pan lit up like a torch until someone gave me a lid to snuff it out.  Almost lit the house on fire!  Not good for my health and those around me (although that video would have gone viral!).  How did I finally embrace my age and adapt to stay fit?  Read the second part of the blog series on the event that was the final tipping point – Boot’s whimpering at the rain here link A Daughter, A Dog, and A Not So Old Man (Part 2 of 2)

A Daughter, A Dog, and A Not So Old Man (Part 2 of 2)

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In the first part of this blog series here A Daughter, A Dog, and A Not So Old Man (Part 1 of 2 Part Series) , I showed I was ready to risk life, limb, and house instead of embracing my age.  So how did the dog and the rain change my disposition

Boots and my attempt to calm him reminded me that I no longer had the stamina that I once had.  At 3 AM, with the lightening striking, thunder rolling, and Boots barking, I decided to sing him a lullaby like I did when the recently graduated Kendall and her three older siblings were scared.  It worked for a bit.  I sang the following to the tune of Bing Crosby’s Little Man Your Crying while petting Boots.  Like Kendall’s lullaby I changed the lyrics but this time for a dog, not a girl.

Little dog you’re crying,
I know why your blue,
the rain is loud and took
Your time to walk away.
Better go to sleep now,
because little dog you had a busy day.
Lacy took your dog bones,
now I’ll tell you what I’ll do,
I’ll go out and get you new ones right away,
better go to sleep now
because little dog you had a busy day.

Lacy is my oldest daughter’s Pit bull. The song worked! But I had to keep singing it or Boots would cry. So, I decided to get up and do the next logical thing.  Do aerobics!

What?  That does not sound logical.  Well I was not going to come up with multiple Boots lullabies.  Unlike my kids, the dog did not fall soundly sleep. Each flash of lightening made him howl anew.  Since I had to stay up with my frightened dog and it was my weigh-in day for WW, I decided to do some exercise to music earlier than usual.  But unlike other Saturdays, I was feeling all my 50+ years and was not ready for High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) or something like that.  So, I did what I never said I would do.  I did an exercise video for Seniors. 

And boy was I glad I did.  I had avoided Senior based videos since I thought that such videos would be boring and not much of a workout.  Instead the videos by Paul Eugene (see here) were energizing, fun and just the right level to get a great workout. 

I liked the first one on Latin Dance for Seniors so much; I did a second Aerobics one!  If I had done HIIT or something more strenuous in my dog induced, sleep deprived coma, I would have ended up with a pulled muscle or on the floor.   Instead, I was ready for the day and more. 

When the videos ended, the rain had stopped, and Boots was finally asleep.  Lucky for me he feared rain but loved Paul Eugene!  The sun had started to come out and I decided to take a walk.  And then the biggest surprise happened.  On the path to my park, I saw a Doe that looks to be ready to give birth!

 It took me back to the days of Kendall and lullabies, but not depressed with my advancing years.  And hopefully in a few years as I stay healthy Sweating to and with the Oldies, I may have the chance to rock a grandchild instead of a dog!  Embrace your age! Stay Healthy!

Getting Rid of Junk Food and Throw Away Values

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I would never say that the current pandemic is a blessing in disguise.  It is a painful scourge that has caused pain to many and has dramatically changed our lives.  But I would call it an opportunity, if we are bold enough to seize it.  An opportunity to reflect on what is important and perhaps change the direction that we are taking individually and as a nation.  In that way, it is reminiscent of a personal health scare that I had some five years ago.   This event, while extremely negative and scary at the time, changed my life for the better. 

Six years ago, I was on a downward trajectory. The bottom hit in 2014 when I was out of shape (350+ pounds), stressed and overworked. I was in Kansas on a work project and I was trying to keep up with one of my colleagues who had offered me a lift to the hotel. I was trying to keep pace with him  as we climbed the stairs. On the third flight as we approached the car, I could not catch my breath in the brisk air. It took more than 5 minutes of deep breathing to get it under control. My chest was constricted and heart beating out of control.  In that way it had some of the symptoms of the current virus.

Something had to change! Left to my own devices, I would have done what I always done – driven on. But this was something scary and new. The Iron Man’s armor was beginning to rust, and I had to reassess my habits.  In this case, one of the habits I had to change was eating junk food.   A sugar junkie I used to literally drink Peanut M&M’s as I drove through another 14-hour workdays.   

This scare made me make abrupt changes to some of my habits, but not all.  Instead of eating junk food such as M&Ms, I switched to apples.  Instead of sitting in a chair for 14 hours, I got up and took a walk.  Slowly over a year and a half I took off a 150+ pounds and got healthy.  But I still retained some bad habits.

That is where the current pandemic comes in.  It is a similar shock to the system.  But instead of getting rid of junk food, it has forced me (as I suppose some of you) to reassess and replace junk values with real ones.   Chiefly these three:

1.  Reassessing Work-Life Balance.  I am not sure I ever practiced work-life balance.  I was more Work first then life; but the current situation changed that.  Work can disappear in a second.  If you pour yourself into work only, you lose your identity.  And then what do you have when work goes away?  Fortunately,  that has not happened to me yet.  But the situation has caused me to reflect and rebalance.  I focus now on life first.  That has also rippled into my reactions with others.  I used to focus exclusively on work in discussions. But with everyone working from home, it has made me more tolerant and even appreciative of the lives of others seeping into work.  Just the other day I had the joy of seeing a colleague’s child sing “Baby Shark”.  My kids are all adult and with no grandchildren to date it was fun (although you younger parents must think I am nuts!)

2.  Slowing down instead of speeding up.  I used to change gears at the moment’s notice.  With no restrictions, I would get in a car or plane to meet a friend, take in a movie or fly to a client site.  The need to social distance and shelter at home has slowed everything down and took away our freedom of movement.  But if you think about it, maybe we were too frantic in the first place.  We now have more time to plot our next move and to think reflectively.

3.  Appreciating the human touch.   I am not one for crowds.  Truth be told I am a bit of a curmudgeon.  But with the inability to see people real time, I now have a longing to be back with friends and family.  I cannot wait to be back in the office and see my colleagues at work or sit with my Weight Watchers group in the studio again.  Virtual Zoom meetings can help replace some of the interaction, but it cannot fully satisfy the human longing to be with each other.  Springsteen says it best that when facing a world with too few answers:

“You might need somethin’ to hold on to
When all the answers they don’t amount to much
Somebody that you can just talk to
And a little of that human touch”

 – Bruce Springsteen “Human Touch”

I would like to close with one a verse of my favorite Irish song.  Although I could not sing it with others on St. Patty’s Day, I am hoping the shock of Covid-19, like a thunderstorm in April, can lead to a flowering of new life in May.   And we can again shake hands …

Slow Down You Move too Fast

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One of my favorite songs is Simon and Garfunkel’s “Feeling Groovy” and nothing makes me feel groovier than taking a slow walk Saturday around Lady Bird Lake in Austin. The song goes something like this with apologies for some modifications:

“Slow down you move to fast,

Got to make the Saturday last,

Just kicking down Lady Bird Lake,

Austin is great and feeling groovy.”

Here is a picture I snapped last weekend during my weekly trek.  These turtles sure know how to Slow Down, bask in the sun, and feel groovy.

While the word Groovy may have been out of vogue since the Seventies, slowing down to regroup is still key to a better life.  Even more so in this time of constant noise and nuisance.  Nothing restores the soul and the spirit then a good podcast, a crisp wind and nature all around.

Slowing down is the key to the healthy and happy life.  I seldom miss a Slow Walk Saturday for the following three reasons:

1.  Time to reflect and adjust.  When we are running from one task to the other, there is seldom time to reflect, learn from experiences, and adjust.  I find that when I slow down and quiet my mind that I come up with the answer that I need.  Proof point?  I have been so busy with work and life that I have been having writer’s block.  A few minutes and miles and I had ten new ideas when I had been stuck for at least a week.  Sometimes the best thing when you are struggling for a solution is slow down, quiet your mind and be thankful for the nature all around you. 

2.  Destress and feel blessed.  Nothing stokes compassion and soothes the soul than to experience nature.  It is hard to feel hassled when you see 20 turtles sunning on a log or see a bird take flight.  It is a wonder this world! Our role is to revel and reflect the love of God in his creation.  Not to strive and stifle.  Slowing down makes us thankful for the pauses and pleasures that are in each day!

3.  Listen and learn.  When you are alone with your thoughts and those of a good book, you learn new things about yourself and your place in the world.  I recommend to everyone the library application Libby which provides audio books for free if you have a library card.  I have learned so much while walking and listening from how Changing your Habit can Change Your Life  to  How to be 10% Happier.  Truly my Slowdown Saturdays have made me a better person!

Life is not a sprint. It a slow walk to the better angels of our nature. So, take the time to slow down and feel groovy.

Lessons from Three Mister Rogers: Taking Time to Care

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This in the sixth in the Be Good Not Great series.  The purpose of this series is to examine the lives of those people that seek goodness over greatness.   Hopefully the lessons from their lives will inspire us all to eschew worldly greatness to store up the more eternal treasures of love and kindness.   You can read the first of this blog series here:   https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/03/16/be-good-not-great/ .

Most of us are familiar with the Mr. Rogers from the PBS show Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and the recent Tom Hank’s movie “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”.  I have had the uncanny luck to have had three Mister Rogers in my personal neighborhood.    Each of these good men taught me the importance of slowing down to listen, teach and learn.  I still struggle with inculcating this lesson in my daily life.  It is sad to say that in this hurried world the loudest voice is often the last voice.  But it shouldn’t be that way.  To connect with another person’s heart, you must take the time to be quiet and listen; to provide guidance in a patient, introspective way.   The three Mr. Rogers in my life modeled this lesson during my childhood, adolescence and adulthood. 

The Mr. Rogers of my childhood was Fred Rogers from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.  Each day after elementary school I would watch his show.   I loved the routine to it.  He would come in through the door with the stop light flashing yellow; a signal to all that it was time to slowdown.  Then he would switch into his sweater and sneakers to impart his daily message of patience and love.  He talked in a slow and quiet manner; a contrast to the Saturday cartoons of the day and even a sharper contrast to the hyperactive shows of today.  He provided me a different sort of male role model; no less masculine but more nurturing.  Something that I needed sometimes since I had a larger than life Father, more akin to Fred Flintstone than Mister Rogers. 

In the wonderful book, “The Simple Faith of Mr. Rogers” by Amy Hollingsworth linked here:   , Mr. Rogers explains his talent as ‘The Gift of Going Slow”.  As he explained to Amy in the book: 

“…I’ve never been a kind of hyperactive, runaround kind of person.  I think one of the greatest gifts that we can give anybody is the gift of one more honest adult in that person’s life – whether [the recipient] be a child or an adult. 

And so, for me, being quiet and slow is being myself, and that is my gift.”

Indeed, the gift of slowing down is one that we all should strive to obtain.  Taking time to care for one another and to glean from the introspection the needs of the heart.  Also, slowing down to discern the right path forward.  As this first Mr. Rogers sang in one of his many songs:

“I like to take my time
I mean that when I want to do a thing
I like to take my time and do it right.”

The second Mr. Rogers was someone in my actual neighborhood in Chesterfield Township, Bill Rogers.  Bill was co-coach with my Dad Big D on our little league baseball team Red Sox and worked with my Dad at De Laval.  Mr. Rogers and my Dad made a great coaching team leading us to many wins over our arch nemesis the Black Sox and other teams in our little league division.  They made a good team both coaching and work since they had contrasting styles.  Dad would get in the faces of the umpires, rival coaches, and players.  He could be both inspirational but also intimidating.  In contrast, I learned more how to improve my baseball skill from Mr. Rogers, who had a more patient teaching style.  It may have been a Father/Son thing; but when I wanted to learn the technique to properly field a grounder, I went to Mr. Rogers.  He would take the time to show me to follow the ball into the glove, get to low to the ground and use two hands to secure the ball.   I also had the pleasure to visit Mr. Rogers and his family at their home.  I spent time exploring the woods near their house with Glen and talking to his daughter Mandy and Mrs. Rogers.  I was always struck by the kindness, love and respect of the Rogers’ household.

The last of the Mister Rogers that taught me the lesson of patience and introspection was my Sunday School teaching partner for over ten years – Roger.  He was called Mister Roger by our middle school students as a sign of respect.  Mister Roger much like my Dad and Mister Rogers as Little League coaches made a great team as Sunday School teachers.  I was always thinking of crazy ways to teach the lessons of Christ through entertainment.  Roger in contrast would use quieter, more spiritual methods that nevertheless captured the teen’s attention.  I still remember with amazement the popularity of his retelling on the Legend of the Candy Cane.  It is really a great children’s story, but I thought it a little young for our rambunctious, middle schooler audience.  In addition, Roger read the book by showing the illustrations in the book by making slides and showing them on a projector.  Nevertheless, the teens were captivated as Roger read the book that relates the Christian symbolism of the candy cane and its meaning for Christmas.  Sometimes the simple, quiet approach works better than one that is flashy.  I learned this powerful lesson from Roger, a truly devout man and Confirmation sponsor to my two middle children.The three Mr. Rogers in my life have taught me the lesson of quiet, patience, and introspection in a world that is often loud and overwhelming.  During the blessed season of Christmas, it is important for all of us to learn the lessons of the three Rogers and take some quiet time to think about the good people that shaped our life.  And especially God’s only son that came to teach us in the stillness of a silent night.  Merry Christmas!

Mediterranean Magic: 5 Ways to Maintain Weight on Vacation

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Recently I and my wife went on a ten-day Pilgrimage to religious sites in Israel, Palestine and Italy. While I looked forward to the trip, I was worried about gaining weight. We went on a tour in which each moment of the day was planned to include where and when to eat. Hearing stories of how people gained 10 or more pounds on a tour had me worried. I was used to controlling my eating habits by eating primarily at home and tracking my food intake and timing consistently through the WW application. Having lost over 150 pounds on this regimen and keeping most of it off for 4 years, I was facing the unknown. I did not know what food would be offered nor did I know if I could even spell it to find in the application! Also, I knew the all breakfasts and dinners would be offered buffet style. I had avoided buffets since losing the weight because they always have been my nemesis. I had images of Golden Corral with numerous desserts and heavy American food and I was worried I could not control my eating habits.

Well, I should have rested easier, especially in Israel and Palestine (although Italy still posed problems due to its Pastas).  The buffets at the Israeli hotels in Tel-Aviv, Nazareth and Jerusalem were a lot different than their US counterparts or those on cruise ships.  There were five main distinguishing factors that made the buffets healthier than their US counterparts on the trip:

1. Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables!  At each hotel there was an abundance of vegetables.  They were fresh and varied.   They also were front and center taking the place of the heavier entrees that are in US buffets.  Another change were vegetables were available for breakfast along with fruit.  For a devoted WW, it was a zero-point heaven and I loaded down with new and varied tastes. I loved the Israeli peppers and pickles that tasted different than those used in the US.

2.  The best Hummus anywhere.  Sorry Greece.  Israeli Hummus is incredible and varied.  In the morning there was about 5 types and the evening 7.  In the US, I can tolerate Hummus, but it is not my favorite.  In Israel, it is a different story!  It tastes so fresh and tasty.  Sorry American Greek restaurants, Israeli hummus it is where it is at!

3.  Kosher food and whole foods.  All the food in the Israeli buffet is Kosher and is prepared to exacting standards.  It is not processed like its US counterparts and you can taste the difference.  In addition, whole foods are bountiful.  Nothing processed.  Indeed, for the first time, I enjoyed a fish cooked whole from the Sea of Galilee (see below).  I was a little nervous but was able to figure out how to eat correctly from a YouTube video!  It was delicious.

St. Peter’s fish from Sea of Galilee

4.  Portion control.  I was really worried about the dessert table, but I should not have been.  Although I enjoyed a desert each meal, I did not have to worry about overindulging.  No large ladles dipped in Apple cobbler or big slices of cake.  The deserts were smaller so you could have a dessert and not be tempted by overindulging.  The only problem on portion control was the coffee.  We had to get up early each day and the coffee cups were small.  Also, for some reason, Israeli’s love instant coffee and seldom could I find brewed coffee.  Oh well, you can’t have everything.

5.  Fish, fish, fish.  I usually do not like fish but here it was varied, plentiful and the main offering.  I even ate fish for breakfast!  Had my first taste of salmon and pickled herring in the morning and it was surprisingly good!

At the end of my ten-day vacation, I had only gained .2 lbs. while still eating dessert each day.  I think I would have lost wait if the entire trip was in Israel, but we also traveled to Italy for 3 days.  I cannot resist Gelato and pasta.  Also, an Italian cappuccino blows is cheaper than the US and is about 10 times better.  Still, gaining only .2 lbs. while indulging in the Gelato’s for three days is quite a coup!

Be Good to Your Family: John Walton

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This is the fifth of my Be Good Not Great blog series.  The idea for the series came to me in a dream of my Grandpop in the original blog: https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/03/16/be-good-not-great/  and  a related poem: https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/08/01/be-good-not-great-poem/.  In this series, I tell stories of people that fulfilled God’s purpose of being good while foregoing worldly greatness. 

To date, the series has included only real people with whom I have directly interacted.  In this blog I focus on a person that I have interacted with since the seventies, but only through TV– John, the father on “The Waltons”.

For those not familiar with the series, “The Waltons”   ran for 9 years in the 70’s and early 80’s with specials continuing into the 2000’s.  It covers the trials and tribulations of an extended of family of 11 (John, his family, and John’s parents) living through the depression and World War II in the backwoods of Virginia.    The Waltons make it through those hard years of poverty and personal tragedy with their souls intact largely due to the sacrifices of John and his wife Olivia (who is equally deserving of being the subject of this blog). 

One of my favorite episodes of the series clearly demonstrates John’s focus on being good while foregoing opportunities for wealth and fame.  In the episode, John is uncharacteristically anxious and short with others.  His high school reunion is approaching and one of his fellow classmates want him to organize the reunion.  The classmate came to John because back in high school he and his classmate Grover where always vying for the lead position in the class.  Grover went on to Washington to lead an agency in the Roosevelt administration, while John stayed on Walton’s Mountain eking out a living for his family.  John becomes even more anxious when the person who was supposed to host the reunion cannot and John’s wife Olivia  agrees to host the reunion at the Walton home.

When the seemingly successful guests arrive, they all have problems.  Grover, for instance is having marital problems and his wife does not attend the reunion.  Another one of his classmates, a rich car salesman, has kids who act spoiled and misbehave throughout the reunion.  In contrast, the Walton children are the epitome of hospitality and work together to make the reunion a success. 

The show ends with what I considered the greatest quote from the show and one that highlights the difference between being good not great.  Grover, John’s former high school rival says the following: 

“Six years in grade school, five years in high school-everything I ever ran for, I was always running against the same Johnny Walton… The greatest day of my life was when I beat John Walton out for senior class president. I don’t think he ever lost any sleep over it. Now I’m an ambitious man – some would say successful; probably it’s all John’s fault. I was always running; he was always going past me at a walk. And here it is, 25 years later-here I am, and there’s John. Then look at me… and some of you… still running, still wearing ourselves to a frazzle for all sorts of things that John Walton has accumulated while he was out walking – a happy home, a fine wife and children. We’re sitting here well fed at John’s table, and I’m still boy enough to be graveled at the sight of him. ‘John – the boy most likely to succeed.’ Well, he’s the boy who did.”

This ending always gets me because it shows the choices a parent makes for his family.  There are so many episodes where John demonstrates his love for family over that of money of fame.  Here are three examples:

In one of the later episodes, John demonstrates his ability to organize competing, local sawmills in Virginia to deliver a large order for a rich government contractor.  Noting his ability, the contractor offers John the role of Vice President of lumber operations.  This job holds the promise of wealth, travel and a fine home.  The only issue is John would have to uproot his family.  He declines the role for the lesser opportunity of running a co-op in his hometown for a lot less money and prestige. 

One of the key attributes of a good father is being humble enough to accept the sacrifice of your children.  In another one of my favorite episodes, John and Olivia use all their emergency money to buy their son John-Boy, a new suit for college.  The whole family participates in the joyful event.  John is proud that he can provide clothes for his son to fit in with the wealthier students not on scholarship.  Then the family’s milking cow Chance dies and John is humbled since he does not have the money to replace it.  John Boy takes it upon himself to sell back his suit to pay for a new cow.  This action shows the goodness of his father John in two ways.  First, John-boy is following the example of sacrifice he has seen modeled by his father.  Second, John is humble enough after initial reluctance to accept the money.  John does what needs to be done even though it eats him up inside to provide his son this simple gift.  

In the last example, a developer comes to Walton’s Mountain and notes the beauty of the nature and a hot spring on the mountain.  FDR with his affinity for Hot Springs has raised the demand for these resorts and the developer offers John a lot of money for the mountain and his home.  He at first contemplates selling the land and moving the family but decides against moving the family, especially his parents from the home.  This episode clearly illustrates the sacrifices many sons and daughters make to care for their parents in their older years.  A good father indeed must first be a good son.

I could list at least another 20 episodes of the basic goodness of John Walton and his love for family.  Caring for your family and your spouse is what a marriage is all about!  A good parent thinks of their family first and career second.  Money and fame disappear, but a love of a good parent lives on! So, when facing a decision, let’s be like John and focus on what’s good for the family, rather than what is great for you!

6 Wellness Lessons From The Waltons

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My favorite show of all time is The Waltons for many reasons. I always love stories that tear at your heartstrings and The Waltons is the penultimate show in that catalog. In its 9 years on Television, it tackled such weighty topics as a death of a beloved Grandpa, the loss of a spouse, the breaking up and then reunion of a family after a fire, and a myriad of other topics that we all deal with daily. Through it all, the Waltons showed the power of kindness and the unconditional love of a family for one another.

That is why this weekend, when I got sick and tired of the current bickering of our national family, I binged watched the Waltons.  I did it initially to improve my mental wellness.  I wanted to remember what good old American values looked like and how people used to be able to focus on their commonalties instead of differences.  After watching a few episodes, I realized that the lessons of the Waltons are not just good for your soul, but for overall wellness.  The Waltons are fit, well (but not overly) fed, love the outdoors, well rested and self-aware.   They are a walking, talking commercial for wellness.  Here are six reasons why:

1.  Love of the Outdoors and respect for Nature.  The Waltons spent a good part of their days outdoors.  Whether they were walking to school, climbing the mountain named after them, or fishing with Yancey Tucker, they had a healthy respect and love for nature.  Breathing the fresh mountain air and enjoying the sunshine, the Waltons were never in need of a Vitamin D shot or a few rounds in the gym. Grandpa perhaps said it best,  “You can’t own a Mountain, any more than you can own an Ocean or a piece of Sky.  You hold it in trust.  You live on it, you take life from it, and once your dead, you rest in it.”  The Waltons drew life and health from the mountain and in so doing held their land in a sacred trust.

2.  Spend time as a family.  Wellness is not all about physical fitness.  It also includes loving someone and having them love you in return.   The Waltons never tired of spending time with one another.  They drew strength from each other.  Picking each other up when they were down.  John Boy was right when he said,  “I’ve done an awful lot of thinking of what makes this family work, and I think it’s because there’s enough love to go around and some to spare.” Let’s all spare some love!

3.  Eat fresh food in moderate portions.  Another key to wellness is eating fresh food and in moderation.  On almost each episode, there is at least one scene with the family gathered around the table eating what they had grown or caught.  Also, with so many people in the family, it was hard not to eat in moderation.  And when you did, you always had Grandma there to make sure you did not eat too much.  Note this conversation between Grandpa and Grandma.  Grandpa:  “I could do another sandwich”  Grandma Walton:  “You’re the one at this table who could do a little starving.” Grandpa  “Esther, we have got to keep our strength up!”  Grandma: “Strength? I think you just get weak carrying all that around”.  We all need that inner Grandma keeping us from eating too much!

4.  Love your work, but find time for rest and play.  The Waltons worked hard and enjoyed their work.  They enjoyed their craft and the satisfaction of creating something with their hands.  As John  Boy Walton said,  “One of the things that I find distressing about life today is that people don’t really seem to enjoy their work anymore. When I was growing up on Waltons Mountain my father and my grandfather loved their work and they instilled a respect for work in each of us.”   

But when the Waltons were done work, they found time for relaxation. As the good Lord ordained, they rested on the seventh day. We should all follow these words from John Boy’s journal: “Sunday afternoon on Walton’s Mountain was a time of quiet contemplation We took it easy or else worked at a slower pace and enjoyed a brief respite from the cares that beset us during the week. After we came home from church and had dinner, we permitted ourselves the luxury of play and relaxation”. Find time for play after working at what you love!

5.  Get plenty of rest after saying goodnight to loved ones.  Everyone who loves The Waltons knows where I am going with this one.  One of the two keys to wellness is to get plenty of rest and never, ever go to bed angry at a loved one.  No matter how much Jim Bob irritated Mary Ellen or John Boy struggled to write his next chapter, they always ended the night with Goodnight Jim Bob, Good Night Mary Ellen, and, of course, Good Night John Boy. 

6.  Listen and be Thankful.  The two greatest keys to wellness is being thankful for what you have and to listen and be mindful of the beauty around you.   It is amazing the lessons that you can learn when you stop and listen to the wonder of nature.  As John Boy wrote in his journal, “ I think if we learned to listen, we could hear all kinds of miracles.”  Truer words have never been written.   You and this whole world that God has wrought is a miracle speaking to our hearts!  Stop and take time to listen.

Be A Good Neighbor: TM

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This is the fourth blog of the Be Good, Not Great series.  The initial idea for the blog series came to me in a dream about my Grandpop and resulted in a poem and a blog in less then an hour.  Read it hear. https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/03/16/be-good-not-great/

The series focuses on people that strive for goodness over greatness; who eschew money, wealth and fame to care for other people.

I still remember the first day at the first home my wife and I owned as if it were yesterday.  We moved into an established community in our then sleepy, now rapidly growing town.  The house was 70’s vintage and we were excited but a little daunted. 

We got the home for a good price.  But it did come with some things that we needed to fix.  The most urgent being a large bump in the sidewalk that led to our door.  The bump was due to a tree root that grew under one of the sidewalk panels.  It was a hazard especially for my wife who was pregnant with our second child and our 4-year-old.   I was ready to fulfill my duties as a husband, father and new home owner.

I had managed to lift the sidewalk a bit and was trying my best to cut off a portion with a small axe I had.  I was not making any headway and was sweating buckets.  When out walks a wiry, 60ish year old man with silver hair, from next door.

I stopped my work for a moment and greeted him.  he introduced himself and said, “I am TM your neighbor and son you looked like you could use some help!”  I said, “Hi Tim.  I am doing ok, but it is sure good to meet you”.    Which was wrong on two accounts. 

First because of his Texas twang, I called him Tim instead of TM.  This part was ok because he thought he heard TM due to my Jersey roots. Second, I was not Ok.  I had worked for an hour and made hardly a dent on the root.

After 15 minutes, TM returned with his own axe and said “Don, please let me help you out.  I have been doing this for awhile and we can knock it out together.”  Even though I was embarrassed I relented.  And I was glad I did.  TM immediately made more headway in 10 minutes then I had done in the last hour and a half.  When it was my turn to spell him, he let me use his axe and technique.  We got the root out and sidewalk level in less than 40 minutes together.  It was the start of a great friendship and mentorship.

TM was the perfect example of seeking goodness over greatness.  Born and bred in Leander, he moved to Cedar Park during its infancy to run one of the Cedar Yards for which the city was named. He was a great mentor, devoted husband for 68 years, loving father and a devout church goer.  You can read more about TM here. https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/austin-tx/thomas-pearson-7060600

There are four lessons from the life of TM to follow as we strive for goodness:

  1. Be a Good Neighbor.  The help with the tree root was just the first example of TM being neighborly. He was always there with a ready hand and a kind smile to help my wife and I with our expanding young family.  With both of us working, we did not always have time to keep the yard up.  When he saw us struggling, TM would take the time to mow the side of our yard closest to him or water some of plants when we did not get to it.  He also helped us with some ideas on landscaping and brought over some vegetables from his garden.  We in return tried to help him out, but never could match his generosity.
  2. Be a Good Family Man. TM was a devoted husband and father.  His only daughter was confined to a wheel chair after she was in an accident.   He and his wife helped care for her.  To make things easier, his daughter and her husband lived with TM.  TM had a specially outfitted van and helped with the medical visits and care.  He was always cheerful and willing to help. I also never saw a harsh word exchanged between the two couples despite the stress of living under the same roof. 
  3. Be a Good Mentor. TM was also always ready to pass the lessons of fatherhood to me.  One conversation stands out.  I was playing soccer with my son in our backyard and we were getting loud.  My son kicked the ball and it sailed into TM’s garden.  Instead of a harsh word, he handed over the soccer ball with a smile.  I told him I was sorry and asked him if we were bothering him by being too rowdy.  TM said, “You do get a bit loud, Don. but I know what you ae doing and you need to play with your son.  It is what they remember and how they learn so have at it!”  I try to remember that lesson when the two boys that are our new neighbors kick a soccer ball against our car.
  4. Take care of your community.  TM also reached out to the larger community.  His yard was an example to the whole community.  He also put on the best Christmas light show for many years.  Showing pride in your home and community inspires the same in your neighbors.   TM also sang and played guitar at his church.  He used his talents to the joy and betterment of those around him and the world is better for it.

We moved to a new home about a mile away in 2007.  Up to the end of our time next door, TM remained a good neighbor and friend.  Even helping us with fixing up the house for sale. Unfortunately, I did not follow his good example.  I got caught up with work and growing family and despite living only a mile or two away from him, we did not go to see him that often.  When he passed in 2016, I did not know until quite a bit later.  This is something I will always regret.

Robert Frost writes in his famous poem “Mending Wall” see full at this link https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44266/mending-wall:

“Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun;

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast…

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,

That wants it down.’ I could say ‘Elves’ to him,

But it’s not elves exactly, and I’d rather

He said it for himself.”

I now know what does not love a wall.  It is not elves, it is God and his love.  Be like TM and not me!  Break down the walls of cell phones, work, and a busy life.  Take a sledgehammer to that wall, much like TM took an axe to that tree root and make time for your neighbor.  And above all, love your neighbor as yourself!

Be Good, Not Great

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I decided to repost this to remind all Americans it is more important to be good not great. Right now we are neither. But we need to be good. To get our people and allies and protect them. Let’s be good even if we are not great!

A few nights ago, I had one of those dreams. You know the ones that I am talking about. A dream so vivid, so poignant that it seems more than real. A dream that wakes you up at 4 AM with a smile on your face and thoughts rushing so fast that you can barely keep up as you type on your cell phone in the bathroom with door shut so as not to disturb your wife. A dream of important messages heaven sent to shape your life and to pass on to others.

In this dream, I was again in my Grandpop’s house on Melrose Avenue in Trenton, NJ.  And there was my Grandpop rocking on the porch.  The picture below is of that very same house that my sister Lori texted me today while she was visiting Jersey, reinforcing the dream’s importance!  As we walked together and talked in each of the rooms, the memories of times shared together came flooding back.  And there was an underlying message tying all those memories together.   My Grandpop – John William Henry – was a good man. 

I say a good man, not great man for a reason.  The best men are good men not great men.  They dole out love instead of striving for power or money.  They love their country and their God.  They care more about friends and less about prestige.  They take time for fun, the Phillies, and to sing Irish songs.  They look like Fred McMurray on My Three Sons and remind you of Jimmy Stewart on It’s A Wonderful Life.    That was my Grandpop!  And here are the four lessons that I learned from that dream, his life and my Grandpop’s home and heart.

Take time for Family and Friends (The Porch) – Grandpop loved to rock on his porch and look out on Melrose Avenue.  Two memories came back to me as I again sat on the porch.  I remembered how he would spend hours on the porch during the evening and weekends talking to and visiting with his neighbors down the street.  Some 50 years later, I can remember their names, their faces and believe it or not their homes.  During that dream, I visited with them again.  Mrs. Curr a widower who gave us tea and cookies in her home as she talked about her garden.  Mrs. Heipel who lived on the end house on Melrose talking about her daughter who had recently moved.  The Toronto’s telling stories of my mother when they were young.  I was happy for the friendship again and a little sad since my porch faces the back yard and I so seldom visit with my neighbors (or remember their names).

The other thing I remember is how gentle and good my Grandpop was. He was no wimp having boxed when he was younger. But he knew how to calm his Grandkids when they were cranky and tired. I again saw him rocking my brother David as he sang “Tora a Lora” in a voice not as resonant as Bing’s but close to perfect due to its love. And as I saw this image again in my mind’s eye, I thought back that although I spent quality time with my kids, I was not as calm or soothing as that gentle man who rocked my brother asleep

Love Others Unconditionally and For Eternity (the Living Room) – We came in from the porch and into the living room with its furniture entrenched in the fifties.   We sat on the couch watching the Phillies like so many times before.  We both loved the Phillies, especially Mike Schmidt (Schmidty as we called him).  In walked my Uncle who had gone missing for several months on another binge as he had done so many times before.  He was the ultimate prodigal son.  He asked to come back to the home and Grandpop with tears in his eyes took him back.  And I thought to the times when I turned my back on others in need because I was too busy and vowed to do better.   

The dream changed again to a different moment.  This one happened outside my other Uncle’s house in Morrisville, PA but in the dream, it was in the living room.  My family was visiting, and my Grandpop walked in with a bag of donuts as he did on most Sundays.  But this time it was different.  It was several weeks after my Grand mom’s passing and Grandpop had returned to the donut tradition for the first time without Grand mom.  I again saw the tear from my Grandpop’s eye when my brother asked where is Grand mom?  I was again a bit mad at my younger brother since I was older.  And I thought on how my Grandpop who was still a young man of 50 when Grand mom passed, yet he never dated seriously or married again.  He would visit his wife’s grave several times a week keeping the love of her in his heart for the rest of life.   And I imagined them again holding hands throughout eternity and I vowed to love my wife like Grandpop.

Be Frugal with Yourself, Lavish with Others (the Phone room).  I wanted to stay with both my Grandparents again, but my dream switched to the phone room.    I was not sure if the room was a formal dining room or a second living room, but I remember it as the phone room due to the rotary phone that rested at the end of a long hutch.  Another thing that rested on the long hutch was hundreds of coupons.  Having lived in the Depression, my Grandpop and his brothers were frugal in saving money.  I again saw my Grandpop and Great Uncle Don talking about the latest coupon that they found for Acme.  My Grandpop would drive to 5 or 6 stores to use the coupons to save a few bucks.  Besides being frugal on the groceries, he did not spend much on himself.  He seldom traveled or bought expensive clothes or items but reveled in the simple pleasures such as the occasional Phillies games.   He was frugal with himself but lavish with others.  As my dream progressed, I thought back on the time he bought my brothers and I a complete Lionel Train set on Christmas.  And how happy he was when our eyes lighted up.  Then I thought back on the many times I had splurged on the latest iPhone or Uber Eats instead of focusing on the ones around me.  I seldom use a coupon even though they are digital now and can easily be obtained on the cell phone I have.  I vowed to spend less on myself and more on others.

Be Thankful for the Simple Pleasures and Family (the Kitchen).   The dream now moved into the kitchen and I saw the big yellow wooden kitchen table where we often sat.  As I sat down at the table, I looked across to a little stand when my Grandpop kept one of his prized possessions – a Hot Dog Zapper!  I do not know if they have them anymore, but my Grandpop sure did take pleasure in it.  He would invite us to sit down and put each of the six hot dogs on two prongs at either end of the hot dog.  He would turn on the machine and after a few minutes of zapping they were cooked (and most often split open a bit!).  He again laughed as he took them off and gave one to each of us around the table. 

As we ate, more of my extended family gathered around and I realized the time had shifted to St. Patrick’s Day.  I again saw my Great Uncles (both cops), my Uncle John and his family, Uncle Gary and my family.  Each of the men had a Schlitz beer or two (I told you Henrys are frugal!) as we went through a chorus of Irish Songs – Mrs. Murphy’s Chowder, Come Meet a Donovan, The Same Old Shillelagh, and of course When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.  And I thought.  We often take for granted the simple pleasure of singing with family and friends.  We forget the expensive items we bought after a few years.  But I can sing verbatim every one of those songs to this day and see the hot dog zapper in my mind’s eye.  Just before I left this part of the dream, one more simple, glorious pleasure occurred.  My Dad did not know the Irish songs of his wife’s family but wanted to participate.  I again heard him sing “The Old Rugged Cross”, his favorite song and the one we played at his funeral.  As I wept, I vowed to spend more time with family and the simple pleasure of life.

And as I woke, one thought ran through my head.  Be good, not great!  Strive for friendship not fame.  Make memories not money to live on through eternity. 

In closing here is a poem that also came to me as part of this dream https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/08/01/be-good-not-great-poem/

Getting the Iron Out Door – Lessons from Big D for Developers

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This is the first of a series of Father’s day blogs.  The leader that I learned the most from (which is probably similar to a lot of you) was my Dad – Big D.  Yes believe it or not I am Little D or Donnie, Jr. to my family . Here is a picture of Big D and Little D.

big-d

One of my Dad’s favorite sayings was you have to “Get the Iron Out the Door”.  Coincidentally, that is the root of the title of the Quarterly Professional Services newsletter, “Getting the Iron Out the Door”.  Two of the lesson I learned from Big D relates to getting the iron the door.

What is the Iron?  Where is the Door?  The iron refers to large turbines that reside in dams to generate electricity.   Big D was a steelworker/machinist and later the manager of Turbocare in Houston, Texas.  These turbines would come in the “door” of Turbocare from all over the world (Columbia, US, India, etc.) for maintenance or emergency repair.    As soon as the turbine came in the door, it was Big D’s responsibility to drive his team to get the repair done as quickly as possible while fixing the root problem and maintaining quality.  You can imagine the pressure to get these turbines back repaired.  They powered cities like Detroit or Bogota.  Every day that the turbine spent being repaired, part of the electrical capacity powering the city was out.  A brownout could occur or even a blackout.  In addition, they could only be carried by a train or ship and for some of these places the ship or train schedules where tight.

Now “Getting the Iron Out the Door” did not mean rushing around and slapping a fix in, as Big D explained to me.   It was too costly to send a half repaired turbine out the door.  The shipping costs alone are enormous.  You first needed to physically and electronically inspect the turbine to determine the root cause of the problem which was usually a blade bent a fraction of an inch. Then and only then you could precision machine or weld the blade or rotor with the problem.  Lastly and most importantly, you needed to test the balance of the turbine to precise specification.  The whole while the clock was ticking and the ship or train was waiting.  If you made the right decisions on balancing speed with quality, the Iron went Out the Door and did not come back.  See the picture of a turbine going out the door of Turbocare below.

turbine 1

How do I take Big D’s lesson in leadership to my life as in Accenture overseeing IT engagements?  Maybe our systems in Public Service do not power cities but they help feed hungry children (SNAP), keep a family afloat in an emergency (TANF), and help care for people with urgent medical conditions (Medicaid).  Our job each day is to “Get the Program Checked In”, so we can meet the deadlines of our client.  In so doing, we cannot sacrifice quality for speed.  The “shipping costs” using our analogy are families not being served.  How do IT developers like Big D see the clock ticking but not hear it, “Get the Iron Out the Door” without it coming back in.

  1.  Do a careful analysis to find the root cause of the code problem or a careful impact analysis to perform a comprehensive design.  This is analogous to finding the blade bent by a hair or the hair line fracture in the Turbine.
  2. Next follow the design and analysis precisely.  Use precision code and tools to fix the root cause of the problem or make the new functionality first time right!
  3. Lastly, test your application to specification.  A program not to specification will be subject to warranty (come back in the door) or worst yet cause a family to miss the benefits for which they are eligible.

I miss Big D each and every day.  Let us heed his words of leadership well and Get the Iron Out the Door and not allow it back in!

I Don’t Know Everything

Donald GrierLeave a comment

“Why did the bird die”,
asked my young daughter,,
the small bird with the fading yellow breast,
near our outside table.

Strange –
I never saw a dead bird in nature
without my cat lurking around
with a smirk on its face.

Why is that?
with the billions of birds that die
every day.

Where do they go?
Do they dissolve into the earth?
Or are the lifted up on the breath
of God.

I digress. So I answerd my daughter.
The birdie was flying home to its family
when it got caught in a storm and flew
into a tree and died.

She looked sadly at me,
much as for my weak answer as he lost bird.

“But why was Goldie,
away from her parents with a storm pressing
and the skies turing grey?”

Boy was I in trouble, now!
She had named the bird.
I should have know better,
with a precocious five-year,
and me not even knowing
where bird bones go.

So, I said that
Goldie was late from her
appointed time home after flitting
around with her friend Rocket Robin.

BIG MISTAKE!
Now she said, “Why did Mr. and Mrs. Chirpy let
Goldie fly to see Rocket when a storm
was coming?”
The parents were now involved.

I did not know what to do
with my wayward story as much as
I did not know where all birds
go when they die.

So I finally got smart,
Or seemingly so, and asked Kate
“What do you think was the reason,
poor Goldie died?”

She answered rightly and without hesitation.
“I don’t know everything!”

Don Grier

Lost, Then Found

Donald GrierLeave a comment

We wander our lives,
With purpose unknown,
Our minds half-formed,
Our souls half-grown.

In a foreign place,
That is far from home,
We seek the forgotten,
Untethered, we roam.

God is watching us,
But we refuse to see,
The person and blessing,
We were meant to be.

We seek but are lost,
Oh, the games we play!
Where we’re going, what direction?
Not one of us can say.

So snatch us, Lord,
from the jaws of death,
Give us new life,
Give us new breath.

Help us to seek,
So we can be found,
Our sins all broken,
Our hearts unbound.

And with Your help,
It is not too late,
To find the good,
Forgo the great!

So Stop! Listen!
Forget the strife!
Find your purpose,
Breathe new life,
Find the person,
You were meant to be,
With soul unfettered,
With our spirit freed!

Don Grier

Seven Habit Stacks to Heal Your Body and Restore Your Soul

Donald Grier

This is the second of a two-part blog series focusing on practices that nurture the body and soul.  The first blog of the series, Five Restorative Practices to Heal Your Body and Soul, covered five powerful practices that can help you promote your soul and, in turn, improve your health and disposition.   This blog will cover how to stack in sequence or, better yet,  run body and soul habit combinations in parallel for a double whammy. You can also hear both blogs with additional info in podcast form by subscribing to the Change Well podcast, available at our website link here or on Spotify or Apple Podcast

The concept of habit stacking, as introduced in Atomic Habits, helps to establish beneficial habits more quickly. Here is a simple example. You need to take medication each day, which is an established habit. However, you also want to institute the beneficial habit of drinking sixty-four ounces of water. A way to develop the new habit is to place a water bottle next to your pill container. Presto! Now, you have a ready-made container with the right amount of water next to your pill box. You need to wash down the pills and, in so doing, start drinking the water you need for the day!

I used this habit stacking idea to benefit significantly during my weight loss journey of losing 150+ pounds in under a year.  My physical transformation recovered my body, but my soul was still suffering. I was still sometimes a curmudgeon, and my peace of mind, though better, could still get rattled. So, I decided to piggyback some new soul habits with some of my firmly established body habits.  I will provide examples of my body and soul habit stacks and scrums, more on that term later, that relate to my faith practice – Roman Catholicism.  However, I will try briefly suggesting how these may be adapted based on my research. 

The first stack that I tried was what I called the Texas Three Step.  I had already established the Texas Two Step method during my weight loss journey.  Each Saturday morning, I would get up at 6:00 and work out for an hour and a half before attending my WW meeting.  Good for the body! 

Two years ago, my parish established Saturday morning prayers (called Lauds in the Liturgy of the Hours) combined with Adoration on Saturday in the early morning. This led to my new and improved Texas three-step Saturday ritual. I now get up on Saturday at 5 AM and exercise to get as close to my weight target as possible. I then went to my Church and prayed for an hour to clear the weight off my soul. After praying (and sometimes Mass), I head to my WW meeting to share wellness ideas with my friends, now at the 9:30 WW Meeting. In one fell swoop, I shed weight on body, soul, and shared fellowship to start the weekend right!

I next created a daily body and soul stack.  It was similar to the first stack but less formal without group activities.  I had established an exercise habit that followed my morning water and medication discussed earlier.  I decided to add a prayer meditation after working out and subsequently stretching.  This worked well initially.  I got my heart rate up with exercise, then began slowing it down with stretching, and lastly, I established a contemplative prayer.  The exercise helped my prayer focus, and the prayer helped me slow down and heal my body.  However, I ran into a problem with time management.  I skipped exercises if I had a late night the night before. Or if I thought I had enough but limited time, I rushed both.   I began to put back on some weight because I prioritized the spiritual aspect.  I had to do something to bring them together.  That is when I came up with the idea of body and soul scrums while listening to a book on product management!

Scrum is likely known to rugby fans and software developers but may not be as well known to others.  Scrum in software development focuses, among other things, on parallel activities.  The origin of Scrum as a framework goes back to an article in the Harvard Business Review in 1986. “The New New Product Development Game” by Takeuchi and Nonaka described how first-class products are developed in cross-functional teams with an ‘all-simultaneous approach.’ 

Therefore, a body and soul scrum is when you simultaneously execute body and soul habits.  What is an example? I will use one of the oldest ones, perfect for the beginning of Christian Lent and practiced by many faiths, including Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism, Judaism, and Taoism – Fasting and prayer!

Intermittent fasting is now all the rage for weight loss. Still, before my Silicon Valley colleagues adapted it to shed pounds, fasting was used by saints and spiritual leaders to deny themselves and develop spiritually.  It is the ultimate body and soul scrum, cleansing the body and healing the soul.  Today, on Ash Wednesday, I fast as part of my religion.  But also practice fasting more regularly to detoxify the body and soul.  I have put a link in the show notes to an article from the NIH on religious fasting. 

Besides fasting and prayer, I have developed other body and soul habit scrums I use weekly.  They help me manage my time while packing a one-two holistic punch of well-being. 

  1. Mike and Bike. In these previous blogs, I documented my love of cycling on our companion blog site: Peloton Pandemic Pandemonium, Don’t Stop Believing: A Weight Loss Journey in Three Intervals. My respect and admiration for Father Mike Schmitz are right up there with this love. He was instrumental in my wellness journey, both body and soul. I started listening to his homilies after a Lenten retreat at our parish and would listen to his homilies while using the elliptical training. With the launch of the Bible in the Year podcast, I have taken it to a new level with Mike and Bike. At least three times weekly, I take a 20-minute scenic ride on the Peloton and turn off the sound. I then turn on the daily Bible in the Year podcast and listen to the Lord’s word while circumventing the pathways of Rome, Paris, or the Alps. With each Mike and Bike, I grow in knowing the Lord’s plan for me and building my quads! You can download the Bible in the Year podcast here Bible in a Year if you want to try it.
  2. Marching with Mary. Last May, I participated in a fundraiser to raise money for the mental wellness of veterans and soldiers. The StopSoldierSuicide.org fundraiser called for me to march 50 miles during May while carrying a 50 lbs. ruck. My 60-year-old body does not march fast with 50 lbs. on my back. It was seriously cutting down on my prayer time. I therefore decided to add reciting a silent Rosary while marching. A rosary is a series of prayers and meditations that use a unique prayer bead called a rosary.   As a Catholic, I believe this prayer practice was passed on to us from Mary through St. Dominic.  Other religious practices have prayer beads to recite prayers, chants, and mantras. This Marching with Mary practice allowed me to add over fifty prayers and meditations on each ruck march. In this way, I was not only able to raise money for Veterans, but I could pray for them, too.
  3. Hinge and Hallow. One of the reasons I ambled while marching was weakness in one of my knees. To help with this issue, I use a physical therapy application called Hinge Health. This application has a set of tailor-made exercises to help strengthen my knee. While doing my Hinge exercises, I listen to the Hallow mindfulness application https://hallow.com/. This application is an excellent resource for all Catholics and includes everything from The Daily Miracle meditation to Gregorian Chants to books from doctors of the Church.  I highly recommend it, and you may have seen their ad at the recent Superbowl, but there are other similar applications, such as Calm, that are secular or of a different faith that others can use. This combination helps me fix my knee and my disposition all at the same time!
  4. Exodus for the soul (and body). The last body/soul scrum is the one that launched it all. Two years ago, I participated with a group of men in my church in Exodus 90. This program is a ninety-day spiritual exercise for men based on three pillars: prayer, asceticism, and fraternity. Part of the ascetic practice is daily rigorous exercise, excluding alcohol and sweets, and days of fasting. It also includes daily prayer practice. It gave me the idea for the other four practices previously stated. I highly recommend it for all Catholic Men who need a wake-up call for both body and soul.

I hope these ideas can help you as they help me improve your body and soul.  Whether you practice body and soul habit stacks or scrums, thinking of the