Christmas is a joyous time for most people. But for some people, particularly those who are apart or have lost loved ones, Christmas can be a sad time. Elvis even sang about it. It goes something like this with a few modifications:

I’ll have a blue Christmas without you,
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you,
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree,
Won’t be the same this year when you’re not here with me.

And when those blue snowflakes start falling,
That’s when those blue memories start calling,
Others will be doing all right,
With their Christmas of white,
But I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas.

The last few years have been a bit blue for me and my family. On December 20, 2021, we lost my youngest brother suddenly to a heart attack. So, today is the second anniversary of his death; I would like to provide some ideas on how to deal with the sorrow of losing a loved one around the holidays. There are five ways that I have found helpful, even though imperfect.

2. Take care of yourself and practice mindfulness, meditation, and prayer. Above all, acknowledge your feelings, feel the loss, and practice self-compassion. One way is to blend meditation with exercise. On Christmas Eve morning, I go on a rosary walk. The rosary is a form of prayer and meditation practiced by me and other Catholics. I wake up early and walk along a local trail saying silent prayers and intentions for my family and those who have passed. This practice helps me both spiritually with prayers and physically with walking. Those dealing with sadness could do something similar following their faith or mindfulness practice. Another option is to look for a Christmas service specifically designed for those who are lonely or have suffered a loss. Our church offers a “Blue Mass,” particularly for those who desire a more subdued celebration of Christmas and want to reflect on their loved ones. Other denominations provide a similar service.

3. Volunteer and Give Back. It is a documented medical fact that helping others helps you. Altruistic actions have been shown to release endorphins. Also, there is always someone else who is suffering like you.

Gordon B. Hinckley, in Standing for Something: 10 Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes, said, “The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served.”

I have found this quote to be very accurate in dealing with the loss of my brother. I will honor him this year by providing a meal to the less fortunate through The Mobile Loaves and Fishes organization. You might want to celebrate a particular charity that your loved one supported. Others are suffering during the holidays from losses such as yours. The best way to lessen the sorrow of your loss is to focus on others.

4. Remember and Memorialize. Think of the fond memories that you have of your departed loved one. I will never forget my baby brother, who could not wait for Christmas. One of the difficult things each Christmas was keeping my brother David from waking up from all his excitement at 2 AM.

My brother Gary and I had a plot to keep David in the room we shared while Mom and Dad slept. To this day, I still do not know why it worked and fooled him every year.

My Dad used plastic on our windows during the Winter to keep in the warmth. Besides keeping out the cold, the plastic also fuzzed up the red light on the radio tower about a mile away enough so we could trick David.

Each time he woke up at night, he asked, “Is it Christmas yet? Let’s wake up Dad and Mom! “Gary and I would point to the red light and say that Rudolph was still flying. Even with that trick, we could only contain him until 5 AM. Then we had to wake Mom and Dad.

In order to delay us while he was getting his Polaroid camera, Dad would say, “Santa is still down here,” and make some rustling sounds to keep us at bay. Oh, how we sat on pins and needles until he gave us the all-clear signal. These positive memories help with the sorrow.

5. Express yourself creatively. One way to memorialize your lost one is with your creative passion. I love to write poetry. And one of the biggest Christmas gifts I ever got was the inspiration I received on Christmas Day of 2021. I had been struggling with a proper memorial for my brother. I knew I had to include his and his wife’s love of dogs. I woke up at 3 am on Christmas morning with this poem fully formed in my mind. I cried tears of joy while writing it down—the names referenced in this poem are the names of my brother and his wife’s dogs.

Zooey looked at Sis,
In that mischievous way,
Where is our Master?
I want to go out and play.

Our yips are a little less yippee,
Our yaps are a little less yappy,
What happened to our Master,
Who always made us happy.

He gave us kisses and never fleas.
He let us do our business on his trees.
What happened to him? Where did he go?
And what happened to our Mom,
She is moving rather slow.

Alvin pawed at Jasmine,
And echoed what Zooey said.
Where is our Master?
Who always patted our heads.

He gave us snacks,
And it was always a treat,
When he let us wrestle,
At the boots on his feet.

Where is he Jasmine?
Where is he now?
We got to help Mom,
And find him somehow.

Then Sis looked at her siblings,
And said with a sisterly grin.
You can’t look for him outside,
You have to look within.

For like our brother Ranger,
He went to his Master above.
Who entered the world one December,
And showered it with love.

And he waits for us in Heaven,
Again, leading the way.
Where there will be no more sorrow,
And all good dogs get to stay.

Then, all four dogs were silent,
As they turned inward and prayed,
And in their souls, they saw our Master,
And again, with their Dad, David,

They yipped and yapped and played!

So, these are five ways to feel happier if your Christmas is Blue. But if they do not work for you, do not allow your grief to become overwhelming, and reach out to a friend or professional help if necessary.
I usually end my podcast with the name of our show, Change Well. But sometimes, a change is hard and sorrowful. In those cases, you may not always be able to Change Well. The loss you feel needs time to heal. But you can always Change Better. You can always draw on friends, family, and others for support. So, when you are blue and not taking the change and the heartache well, you can change better and remember with your heart the one you lost.