The Ballad of Big D

He was larger than life, his name – Big D,
Born with a heart of gold for all to see,
He loved and fought for his family,
A hero and a teacher, he was everything to me.

Water’s for tear drops, Dickel’s for drinking,
you always knew what Big D was thinking.
Whether at a baseball game or Union hall,
There was never a doubt on what side he’d fall.

Chorus: Big D was not perfect, but he showed perfect love,
In the right direction, you didn’t need to shove,
He always led, never followed,
His pride he at times swallowed,
Guided by a nudge from the Lord above.

He drank a little, cared a lot,
His friends, Big D never forgot,
Luby, Pete, Andy, and John,
None of them forgotten, all of them gone.

We lost him that day, out on the land,
And what followed seem like it was planned,
For God conspired to bring forth new life,
Baby calves to ease the sorrow of his kids and wife.

Chorus: Big D was not perfect, but he showed perfect love,
In the right direction, you didn’t need to shove,
He always led, never followed,
His pride he at times swallowed,
Guided by a nudge from the Lord above

Bridge: Love endures, Faith abounds,
In the silent solace that was found,
From the last story he told his family ,
We love you forever, Our Dad Big D.

Chorus: Big D was not perfect, but he showed perfect love,
In the right direction, you didn’t need to shove,
He always led, never followed,
His pride he at times swallowed,
Guided by a nudge from the Lord above.

If you want to read more about the stories behind the ballad read these blogs on Big D:

https://weightlossleadership.com/2017/12/28/lifes-game-changers-the-power-of-thanksgiving/

https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/04/04/the-lessons-i-leaned-when-running-away/

https://weightlossleadership.com/2017/12/26/lessons-from-leaders-how-to-get-the-iron-out-the-door-and-not-have-it-come-back-in/

https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/06/17/a-fathers-day-tribute-the-one-song-that-always-makes-me-cry/

Pivot to the Future You!

I recently read Pivot to the Future, a new book by Accenture’s Omar Abbosh, Paul Nunes and Larry Downes. I highly recommend it for all IT professionals and, less expected, for individuals seeking weight loss. The concepts in the book can help those striving for a happier, healthier life!

Pivot to the Future highlights the key elements of Accenture and its client’s recent success.  The key point of the book is to show how Accenture and other top tier companies are releasing trapped value by continuously conducting a Wise Pivot.  A Wise Pivot is leveraging the lessons of the old and applying them with the tools of new in releasing trapped value.   

As I thought about it, I applied this concept in my weight loss journey to build a better, more fit and engaged me!    The new tools that I applied were the research and technology provided by WW and others to drive into new habits, new thoughts, and new ideas while leveraging the old!

1. A New Take on Habits – In every bad habit, there is the seed of a good habit.  Charles Duhigg explains this in his phenomenal book, The Power of Habit.  Each habit consists of a trigger, a method to get a reward, and a reward.  The key concept is it is sometimes hard to change the trigger or reward, but you can achieve it in a different way.  All you need to do is pivot to a new method of achieving the reward and its manifestation.

One example of how I did this was my addiction to Diet Coke.  Even though it is called Diet Coke, it is not good for diets (although somewhat better then leaded coke).   I used to drink 4 – 6, 16 ounces of Diet Coke’s a day, which was not good for my heart condition and weight at the time (358 lbs.).   After studying this habit, I realized the reward I was getting from drinking Diet Coke was an energy boost to momentarily take away fatigue and satisfying my craving for carbonation.  I soon realized my fatigue was attributable to a lack of hydration.  I therefore switched out Diet Coke with sparkling water that better reduced my fatigue and hydrated me! Now instead of consuming double or triple my daily allowance of sodium and caffeine, I am satisfying my fatigue and carbonation fix while hydrating!  I Pivoted to the New through my examination of the old (read more on this here https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/04/13/fat-to-fit-again-the-power-of-habit/).

2. A New Way of Thinking – Another key element where you can seize on the old to achieve the new is thoughts.   We often focus on negative memories when we are dealing with a problem.  But likely there is an equally compelling positive experience to counter the negative one.  The key is finding the positive and discarding the negative. Two ways to emphasize the positive and disregard the negative is mindfulness and keeping a gratitude journal.  These two new practices have often helped me to find a positive example to counter the negative ones racing though my head.  Also, it is important to remember that each failure is a lesson to propel you forward!  Here is added insights on how to change your thoughts and change your life. https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/07/01/stop-the-negative-talk-and-take-a-walk/

3.  New Ideas from the Old Each old idea holds the root of the new!  This is as true in wellness as it is in business.  Here is an example of an old idea turned new idea in health. 

Calorie counting has been an element of weight loss ever since people have sought to lose weight. However, we have subsequently learned that not all calories are created equal. A calorie of protein satisfies more than a calorie of saturated fat. Likewise, it once was thought that a good dose of fiber could counter the ill effects of sugar (not true).

The way I blend the old idea of calorie counting with the newest research on wellness is to use WW’s Smart Points. Since I began, 4 years ago, WW has changed their point system three times; each time incorporating the new research of weight loss with the old discipline of watching what you eat. Each change built on the former one and research to build a better path to wellness. Instead of chasing fads, I believe mixing the new with the proven tenets of the past to build a better future!

You too can change the old you into the future healthier you.  Use these three concepts to create a healthier you and a better world.

5 Melodies to Melt the Pounds

Counting calories, exercising, and mindfulness are all common tools for weight loss.  But one critical tool that people sometimes fail to consider is music.  The right song at the right time can drive through that last mile.  It can take your mind away from the stress and away from late night refrigerator raids.  Lastly, a timely tune can inspire you through the hardship, the self-loathing and to a new you.

I can testify to the power of music in curbing the calories and the negative thoughts.  I could name 100’s of songs that kept me going in my 170 lbs. weight loss journey.  More importantly, music has been instrumental in keeping the weight off. 

Each person is different.  My songs may not be your songs but here are my Top 5. 

  1. Theme from Rocky – This one is my favorite song for two scenarios.  First, it is hard to stop going no matter how tired you are when you here the first note of the Rocky theme.  Many times, I was on my last leg only to go another mile after hearing Rocky.  Second, I have a food strategy based on the Rocky theme.  The equivalent of an Apollo Creed, first round punch is my weekend eating habits.   In my case, I tend to eat too many Smart Points (unhealthy calories for you not in WW) on Saturday after a long week and my Saturday weigh-in.  I usually end up with very few weekly Smart Points by Sunday.  That is when the first chime of the Rocky song comes into my head.  The rest of the week I eat healthy, exercise and gain back some of the weekly Smart Points.  The whole time that I am doing the Rocky strategy the tune is running in the back of my mind.  If you want to use this strategy, here is a link to the Rocky Theme. https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=liPSTWdYiKs
  2. Don’t Stop Believing, Journey – There were many reasons for me to give up when I first started losing weight.  Tipping the scale at over 350 lbs. with sleep apnea and a heart condition to boot, it was hard to believe I would ever turn it around.  Roadblocks and obstacles stood around every corner.  But,  that is when I would crank up Journey and run through the stirring chorus “Don’t stop believin’, Hold on to that feelin” .  The feeling and dream that I held on to was I could again be healthy.   NEVER stop believing! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcjzHMhBtf0
  3. One Thing Remains, Jesus Culture – This may be the least traditional weight loss song, but to me this is the most important.  Self-hatred and fear were two things I had to overcome both in getting healthy and life in general.  When you don’t know were to turn, you should seek love.  To me,  Jesus is love.  And as the song goes “His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me”.  This has become my favorite song when facing the negative thoughts and fears running through my mind.  I am forever grateful for our Life Teen Minister for introducing it to me.  Another benefit of this song is I sing it so loud when it comes on that I am sure to drop a pound or two.  For you have not had an opportunity to hear it, here is a link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_KXsMCJgBQ
  4. Shake it Off, Taylor Swift  – My cycling instructor Corey often mashes up songs with those of Taylor Swift to inspire us.  He says that Taylor Swift goes with everything and he is right, especially when it comes to weight loss.  Besides the song being so danceable that you must move, its lyrics are compelling.  To paraphrase, if you have a bad day, instead of eating a bag of M&M’s just shake if off!  I included a link just in case you were heading to the refrigerator now to drown your day! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM
  5. YMCA, Village People –  This is a no brainer.  First, it talks about going to the gym!  So,  if you are thinking about staying on the couch, just turn this oldie up.  Second, it is even more danceable than Shake It Off and it comes with its own choreographed dance moves!   Last some of the lyrics resonate including the initial ones “Young man, there’s no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, ’cause you’re in a new town. There’s no need to be unhappy.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeADaAg0f_w

Get happy and lift yourself off the ground!  Find your own songs or use these to melt the pounds and become healthy!

A Prayer for Mothers on Earth and Above

To my two mothers gone up above,
Continue to bless us with undying love,
Hold in your hearts, your family,
And continue to teach us “how to be”.
With our Blessed Mother, calm our fears,
And with love overflowing, dry our tears.

And to the mothers of our children,
With us on earth,
Lead our families and nation, To a rebirth,
Remind us of the love, taught at your knee,
And mirror God’s love, for all to see!

Mary

Talking Tolkien

Last night I saw the movie Tolkien and I highly recommend it to everyone!  A wholesome movie about a great person and one of the top 5 influences in my life.  The movie documented the fundamental moments of Tolkien’s formation that was behind his masterpieces The Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion.  And as I relived his early life through early adulthood, I thought about how much Tolkien and his works were instrumental in my own growth.   Here are the six key moments when the works of Tolkien formed me and changed me.

  1. My First Book Purchase – The first books that I bought with my own money (you can read about how I earned that money here https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/01/14/a-penny-a-minute-a-lifetime-of-lessons/) was the box set of the Lord of the Rings.  I have posted a picture of the Two Towers to show you just how much value for the money I got! Two Towers book well used I remember buying them like it was yesterday at Quakerbridge mall and then using the remaining buck and change on the new entry at McDonald’s – a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and Fries (1973) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter_Pounder .  I raced home put my name on the cover in case someone tried to take it and devoured the books like I did the Quarter Pounder.  I have now read those same books with pages falling out at least once a year.  The first time I read them all in a weekend.  For a ten-year boy in the 70’s, it was the equivalent of a new Harry Potter book (which my children equally devoured).  I remember cowering in the bed as I read about the Black Riders for the first time and adding Frodo and Sam to my evening prayers.
  2. Bonding with my best friend – My best friend in elementary through middle school was Paul.  He loved the Lord of the Rings as much or more than me and we talked about it endlessly.  He also introduced me to the Lord of the Rings allusions in Led Zeppelin songs such as Misty Mountain Hop and some Galadriel references in Stairway to Heaven.  He also had pictures from the Lord of the Rings calendars decorating his room where we worked on building rockets for Mr. Pickett’s rocketry club.  We parted ways in high school as our lives took different turns (The Road Goes Ever On!).  But I will never forget the joy I had in discussing the latest calendar and references to LOTR by Led Zeppelin!
  3. Love of Family – My Dad was a Steelworker, no-nonsense Blue-Collar man.  He did not care for Fantasy, elves and hobbits.  In contrast, I was like Frasier to my Dad’s Marty Crane.  All through 1978, I looked for every news item on the upcoming rendition of the Lord of the Rings from Ralph Bashki.  My dad got tickets for the opening day for the whole family, because he knew how much I loved it.   He also got me for Christmas the LP Soundtrack.  The movie was not good but my whole family sat through it as I tried to explain what was happening.  They sat through it and tried to cheer me up as I was disappointed.  Even though my brother David still ribs me by humming the March of the Orcs, I never felt more loved since my family showed their kindness and support for something I cared about.
  4. My Senior High School Thesis – I love to write and get just as much joy from writing as I do from reading LOTR.  I feel exhilaration after writing each one of my blogs and unlike most loved writing essays for school.  My senior thesis for High School was one of my favorites – Christ Imagery in the Lord of the Rings!  I am not sure if that is even a topic that is allowed in school’s today.  I learned so much from studying this subject.  Unlike Lewis who is clearly allegorical in the Narnia series, Tolkien is more subtle but nonetheless profound.  Frodo, Aragorn, and Gandalf all represent elements of Christ.  Frodo the clearest as he carries the heavy burden to Mount Doom.  Aragorn as a king in disguise that leads to a new Kingdom.  Gandalf perhaps the least subtle as he arises from the dead in white after battling the Balrog.  Tolkien did not like allegory, but he did understand those fundamental truths that our highest calling is to sacrifice.  I still remember the exhilaration of getting an A on the paper, but more so the feeling that the LOTR revealed a deeper truth!
  5. Falling for the Fellowship – I waited for 23 years for the next movie version for the Lord of Rings – The Fellowship of the Ring.  My wife and I had four kids waiting for its arrival!  My oldest daughter Kate was at the age where she could stay up late to catch the movie with me on the first day (BTW – she is an English teacher!).  It came out the day before I had to lead an Oral presentation for the biggest deal in my career.  Nevertheless, I got the only 2 last tickets available for the midnight showing on the first day.  In the last two seats behind a bar that partially obstructed my view, I and my daughter waited in anticipation.  I was literally praying that it would not be like the earlier movie.  I will not lie to you.  When the scene of the Shire and Gandalf came on the screen, I wept tears of joy.  Peter Jackson had captured the essence of the books that defined my life.  The decency of the Hobbits.  The goodness of Gandalf and the evil of the Dark Riders that used to make me shake in my bed so many years ago.  This will sound like the ultimate geek, but I count that first viewing of the Fellowship as one of the top 10 moments in my life.  (BTW It inspired me to win the most important job of my career the next day!).
  6. Dancing in the Glade – I thought nothing would ever match the scene of the Shire but last night’s scene from the  Tolkien movie did it.  My favorite story from Tolkien is not LOTR but one chapter from the Silmarillion – Of “Beren and Luthien”.  I love it for three reasons.  1.  It examines the love between people of two different cultures (Elves and Man).  2.  Beren and Luthien fight against all odds to defeat evil. 3.  Last and most important, it shows the never-ending love between a man and his wife.  For the uninitiated, Beren and Luthien Tinuviel represent J.R.R. Tolkien and his wife Edith.  They were married for over 50 years.  Edith was Tolkien’s muse and the anchor to his life.  The image took my breath away as I sat next to my wife of 32+ years and thought of her in that glade.   In the movie, they show Edith dancing in the woods in England, the image that Tolkien explains in his poem below. 

“The leaves were long, the grass was green,
The hemlock-umbels tall and fair,
And in the glade a light was seen
Of stars in shadow shimmering.
Tinuviel was dancing there
To music of a pipe unseen,
And light of stars was in her hair,
And in her raiment glimmering.” (Read more here – https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/luthien).

Grave of JRR Tolkien
True Love Never Fails

Six events that shaped a life!  Thank you, J.R.R. Tolkien and the makers of this film, for making this film that explains the life of this man who shaped me and so many others!

The Essentialist’s Playbook for Weight Loss

Most people try anything and everything to lose weight when first starting.  They will try the latest supplements, liquid diets, eating only select foods (cabbage soup anyone), the hottest fitness craze, eating at only certain times – you get the picture.  Let’s do A through Z and sticks to the wall and un-sticks my diet.

I was a proponent of the more is more approach for years and it didn’t work.  Over the years as my weight climbed and my hope failed, I tried everything, many simultaneously, from being a vegetarian (failed because M&M’s are not meat!), popping Green Tea pills, cleansing in various ways, the latest exercise craze, and on and on… Then I discovered two things.  Weight Watchers (WW) and the book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18077875-essentialism .  Both teach the same thing – Do less, but better.   The key to weight loss and a better, more successful life is by correctly assessing the few important priorities, focusing on these priorities exclusively, and dumping the rest.  Mr. McKeown provides how to do this in his book and WW in its classed for a Essentialist’s Playbook for Weight Loss.

 You can lose 170+ pounds like me by not doing everything but these three things:

  1. Track everything you eat or drink.  The best way to know how to lose weight is to track what you eat.  By consciously tracking your food intake, you will better understand portion control and the trigger foods you need to avoid.  You use this along with weekly weight tracking to find out what works and what foods to avoid.  That way you focus on what works, rather than trying everything that doesn’t!
  2. Be kind for yourself.  You can’t focus on what is important if you are unhealthy in body or your soul.  It is therefore important to focus on your health both mentally and physically.  Take time to journal positive thoughts, rest, and relax.  A few minutes a day of being kind to yourself will not only help you lose the stress that sabotages most people’s health.
  3. Take time to exercise.  Study upon study have shown that sitting is the equivalent or worse to smoking for health.  It does not take much to get the exercise your body needs and craves.  Get up for 10 minutes every hour and take a walk.  Also, block out 30 minutes in the morning to recharge and energize. 

Bottom line:  You do not need to do A through Z to lose weight and be a better you!  All you need is the essential 1-2-3!  Go out and practice Essentialism to gain a new body and soul.

Change in Midlife, Mid-flight!

I hate flying on planes; doubly so after a hard week at work on a late flight.  Such was the case when I boarded a plane back to Austin a few years ago.  Little did I know that my temperament and life was going to change in mid-flight!

Photo by Ross Parmly on Unsplash
A change occurs midflight

I had just settled into my aisle seat.  I always get an aisle seat, especially back then when I was a bit north of 250.  I had already gotten up one time for the person in the window seat.  Now I was spreading out hoping against hope that I could dissuade someone from taking the middle seat.  It was not to be. 

Near the end of on-boarding, a young clean-cut guy asked if the seat next to me was taken. People were pressing so he was standing directly to the side of me, blocking my way from getting out. I said in an abrupt manner, “I could let you in if you would move and stop blocking my path.” The lady behind him caught my grumpy facial expression, took pity on him, and moved back so I could let him in. Yeah, I thought, I now had a tall occupant with wide shoulders occupying the seat next to me. Fun! Time to lean out in the aisle a little more.

I glanced over to size up my neighbor, since by this time I was feeling a little bad about how I acted.  I noticed three things off the bat that were different.  First the guy was reading a religious book; something not expected from a young man without a collar.  Equally unique was the Miraculous Medal around his neck; something you do not often see except on a Nun.  Lastly, I noticed he had a rosary in his lap. 

Thinking I had a priest or a seminarian next to me, I began feeling even more sheepish than I did before.  So, I decided to try and make amends for the way I acted and strike up a conversation.   I reached out my hand to my neighbor and said, “Hey I am sorry about how grumpy I was a moment ago.  My name is Don.”  He replied his name was Travis Moran and we struck up a conversation.   

Wanting to find out more about Travis, I said, “I noticed from the religious book and the rosary that you must be Catholic. I am too, even though a few moments ago I may not have appeared to be. I was just about to listen to a podcast of Father Mike Schmitz. Have you heard of him?” Those who regularly read my blogs know I am a devoted listener to Father Mike Schmitz’s podcasts. He is an excellent speaker whose lessons on life and God are inspired. Travis promptly pulled out his cell phone and showed me a picture of him with Father Mike and others. Travis had just been to the SEEK conference in San Antonio and heard Father Mike and others evangelize. This was the first indication that maybe Travis and my meeting was not by chance.

For the first time in a long time, I decided to talk to the person next to me on the plane.  I usually do not like to talk on planes.  But this was unbelievable.  Travis is an amazing young man. He was discerning to be a priest when he got another calling to be a physical therapist for Special Needs kids in Connecticut.  Working with his father and others, he treats autistic and other special needs children at Crossroads Physical Therapy.  I was so impressed by his kindness and devotion to God that I was not sure if it was all real so I looked him up (see http://www.quchronicle.com/2011/12/this-is-me-a-man-with-faith/).

I now asked him about book that he was he reading.   It was called 33 Days to Morning Glory.  He explained that the book was a 33 day retreat to grow closer and consecrate yourself to Jesus through the intercession of Mary.  Ok, I thought.  A little deep for me but he was so devoted I listened attentively.  Maybe God was speaking to me. 

We talked for another 20 minutes or so until Travis asked if he could take time out and say his daily rosary.  As we closed our conversation, he told me he was praying his daily rosary today for my intention.  I thanked him.  Later as we left the plane, we shook hands and I told him how much I enjoyed the conversation and prayers.  Little did I know that this was not the end of this change that started in mid-flight.

I could not get the conversation with Travis or that book out of my mind on the drive back home.  So that night I went on to Amazon and purchased 33 Days to Morning Glory  see here https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13559128-33-days-to-morning-glory.

Or so I thought! Instead with at that late hour, I through blurry eyes bought another book: 33 Days to Merciful Love! Noting that I ordered the wrong book, I later bought 33 Days to Morning Glory. After reading a few chapters of each book, I put them aside as work and life distracted me. The original spark faded until several months later, when God broke through again.

I was on a work trip in Raleigh, North Carolina. I could not sleep and got up at 4 O’clock. Wanting to get some restless energy out, I walked the streets of Raleigh with my earbuds in, listening to the latest podcast from Father Mike. It was the opening homily for Lent and as he finished, he told his parishioners at UMD that he had a book for all of them. The book was 33 Days to Merciful Love! Here is the actual podcast with the link to the book https://soundcloud.com/bulldogcatholic/wholehearted-part-i-go-big-be-small I have never felt God’s presence in my life more, as a tingle ran down my spine.

Third time is the charm.  I could not ignore the message any longer.  I performed both internal retreats covered in the books.  At the end, I consecrated myself to Jesus through Mary.  It was a life changing experience and though not yet all the way there, those retreats have helped me to grow closer to the Lord.   I now hope to bring others closer to Jesus both as a Core Team member with the Life Teen ministry.  

I still tear up thinking about this change in Mid-flight and Mid-life.  I hope this true-life message inspires you to put down that iPhone on the plane and to be a little more kind to the person in the seat next to you.  It just might be God trying to talk to you!

In Just Spring

In Just-

Spring   when the lame

middle-aged man

runs   far and    wee!

And the ground-beneath

is puddle-painful

From too-much running  too-soon,

As the hobbled, middle-aged man

limps slow—ly   far and wee!

The above is my take on e.e. cummings’ classic  “In Just Spring” https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47247/in-just after my first run in Spring. Everyone wants to get out and lose those 10 pounds of insulation gained during the Winter months.  But before you go out and become the little lame woman or man, here are three rules to follow In Just Spring.

Take it Slow – It is always tempting to walk that extra mile or two when the weather gets warm and the bluebonnets are out.  That is exactly what I, my wife, and our dog Boots attempted to do on the trails on Brushy Creek.  Even with a stop at a sandwich shop for a quick bite, we ended up struggling to make it back to our car.  We ended up dragging our 70 lbs., huffing Bernese Mountain dog the last few yards.  We are still recovering!

The lesson learned is simple.  Do not overdue it with the first flowers of spring.  In the winter it is a struggle to get out and about (read how so in this blog https://weightlossleadership.com/2018/12/09/baby-its-cold-outside-but-exercise-anyway/ ).  Now that the weather is more conducive to exercise don’t try to catch up all in one day.  Take your time to slowly build up your miles, so you too don’t become the little lame woman or man (or dog!).

Do the essential – A corollary to the first rule is to focus on the essential.  In his book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg Mckeown says that the key to success to health and life in general is to do “less but better”.  When waking up after our winter fog, it is tempting to try everything at once to get fit.  It is understandable, we are excited to get swimsuit ready for the summer.  So we take up the latest diet, try a myriad of fitness fads, and buy the newest exercise equipment from Amazon.  But it is better to focus of the essentials.  Track the food you eat diligently, get plenty of sleep, and focus on the now.  Don’t do everything! Do the essential well to enjoy the Spring and the new you.

Be in the Moment – The flowers are in bloom and the sun is out.  It is time to focus on the now and enjoy the new life of Spring.  One way to take it slow is to take in nature.  Sit on a bench.  Take a picture.  Lie in the bluebonnets like Boots the dog!  Clear your mind of anxiety and enjoy the blooming beauty all around you.

Dog in Bluebonnets

Follow these rules to avoid becoming the little lame, middle-aged woman or man.  Spring into the season and a new you!

Be Good, Not Great

A few nights ago, I had one of those dreams. You know the ones that I am talking about. A dream so vivid, so poignant that it seems more than real. A dream that wakes you up at 4 AM with a smile on your face and thoughts rushing so fast that you can barely keep up as you type on your cell phone in the bathroom with door shut so as not to disturb your wife. A dream of important messages heaven sent to shape your life and to pass on to others.

In this dream, I was again in my Grandpop’s house on Melrose Avenue in Trenton, NJ.  And there was my Grandpop rocking on the porch.  The picture below is of that very same house that my sister Lori texted me today while she was visiting Jersey, reinforcing the dream’s importance!  As we walked together and talked in each of the rooms, the memories of times shared together came flooding back.  And there was an underlying message tying all those memories together.   My Grandpop – John William Henry – was a good man. 

I say a good man, not great man for a reason.  The best men are good men not great men.  They dole out love instead of striving for power or money.  They love their country and their God.  They care more about friends and less about prestige.  They take time for fun, the Phillies, and to sing Irish songs.  They look like Fred McMurray on My Three Sons and remind you of Jimmy Stewart on It’s A Wonderful Life.    That was my Grandpop!  And here are the four lessons that I learned from that dream, his life and my Grandpop’s home and heart.

Take time for Family and Friends (The Porch) – Grandpop loved to rock on his porch and look out on Melrose Avenue.  Two memories came back to me as I again sat on the porch.  I remembered how he would spend hours on the porch during the evening and weekends talking to and visiting with his neighbors down the street.  Some 50 years later, I can remember their names, their faces and believe it or not their homes.  During that dream, I visited with them again.  Mrs. Curr a widower who gave us tea and cookies in her home as she talked about her garden.  Mrs. Heipel who lived on the end house on Melrose talking about her daughter who had recently moved.  The Toronto’s telling stories of my mother when they were young.  I was happy for the friendship again and a little sad since my porch faces the back yard and I so seldom visit with my neighbors (or remember their names).

The other thing I remember is how gentle and good my Grandpop was.   He was no wimp having boxed when he was younger.  But he knew how to calm his Grandkids when they were cranky and tired.  I again saw him rocking my brother David as he sang “Little Man Your Crying” in a voice not as resonant as Bing’s but close to perfect due to its love.  And as I saw this image again in my mind’s eye, I thought back that although I spent quality time with my kids, I was not as calm or soothing as that gentle man who rocked my brother asleep

Love Others Unconditionally and For Eternity (the Living Room) – We came in from the porch and into the living room with its furniture entrenched in the fifties.   We sat on the couch watching the Phillies like so many times before.  We both loved the Phillies, especially Mike Schmidt (Schmidty as we called him).  In walked my Uncle who had gone missing for several months on another binge as he had done so many times before.  He was the ultimate prodigal son.  He asked to come back to the home and Grandpop with tears in his eyes took him back.  And I thought to the times when I turned my back on others in need because I was too busy and vowed to do better.   

The dream changed again to a different moment.  This one happened outside my other Uncle’s house in Morrisville, PA but in the dream, it was in the living room.  My family was visiting, and my Grandpop walked in with a bag of donuts as he did on most Sundays.  But this time it was different.  It was several weeks after my Grand mom’s passing and Grandpop had returned to the donut tradition for the first time without Grand mom.  I again saw the tear from my Grandpop’s eye when my brother asked where is Grand mom?  I was again a bit mad at my younger brother since I was older.  And I thought on how my Grandpop who was still a young man of 50 when Grand mom passed, yet he never dated seriously or married again.  He would visit his wife’s grave several times a week keeping the love of her in his heart for the rest of life.   And I imagined them again holding hands throughout eternity and I vowed to love my wife like Grandpop.

Be Frugal with Yourself, Lavish with Others (the Phone room).  I wanted to stay with both my Grandparents again, but my dream switched to the phone room.    I was not sure if the room was a formal dining room or a second living room, but I remember it as the phone room due to the rotary phone that rested at the end of a long hutch.  Another thing that rested on the long hutch was hundreds of coupons.  Having lived in the Depression, my Grandpop and his brothers were frugal in saving money.  I again saw my Grandpop and Great Uncle Don talking about the latest coupon that they found for Acme.  My Grandpop would drive to 5 or 6 stores to use the coupons to save a few bucks.  Besides being frugal on the groceries, he did not spend much on himself.  He seldom traveled or bought expensive clothes or items but reveled in the simple pleasures such as the occasional Phillies games.   He was frugal with himself but lavish with others.  As my dream progressed, I thought back on the time he bought my brothers and I a complete Lionel Train set on Christmas.  And how happy he was when our eyes lighted up.  Then I thought back on the many times I had splurged on the latest iPhone or Uber Eats instead of focusing on the ones around me.  I seldom use a coupon even though they are digital now and can easily be obtained on the cell phone I have.  I vowed to spend less on myself and more on others.

Be Thankful for the Simple Pleasures and Family (the Kitchen).   The dream now moved into the kitchen and I saw the big yellow wooden kitchen table where we often sat.  As I sat down at the table, I looked across to a little stand when my Grandpop kept one of his prized possessions – a Hot Dog Zapper!  I do not know if they have them anymore, but my Grandpop sure did take pleasure in it.  He would invite us to sit down and put each of the six hot dogs on two prongs at either end of the hot dog.  He would turn on the machine and after a few minutes of zapping they were cooked (and most often split open a bit!).  He again laughed as he took them off and gave one to each of us around the table. 

As we ate, more of my extended family gathered around and I realized the time had shifted to St. Patrick’s Day.  I again saw my Great Uncles (both cops), my Uncle John and his family, Uncle Gary and my family.  Each of the men had a Schlitz beer or two (I told you Henrys are frugal!) as we went through a chorus of Irish Songs – Mrs. Murphy’s Chowder, Come Meet a Donovan, The Same Old Shillelagh, and of course When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.  And I thought.  We often take for granted the simple pleasure of singing with family and friends.  We forget the expensive items we bought after a few years.  But I can sing verbatim every one of those songs to this day and see the hot dog zapper in my mind’s eye.  Just before I left this part of the dream, one more simple, glorious pleasure occurred.  My Dad did not know the Irish songs of his wife’s family but wanted to participate.  I again heard him sing “The Old Rugged Cross”, his favorite song and the one we played at his funeral.  As I wept, I vowed to spend more time with family and the simple pleasure of life.

And as I woke, one thought ran through my head.  Be good, not great!  Strive for friendship not fame.  Make memories not money to live on through eternity. 

In closing here is a poem that also came to me as part of this dream https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/03/14/be-good-a-poem-for-lent/