poetry

The Importance of Civility, Kindness, and Active Listening on Wellness

Don Grier

Today, I will hit a recurring theme on the Change Well blog – the importance of civility, kindness, and active listening on wellness. I don’t want to sound too hyperbolic, but I believe these traits are critical to the soul of this great nation.   The only way to continue to grow is to listen with an open mind to the things you don’t know about yourself and others.  It would be best if you seized on the commonalities to convince yourself to do so and not discount what someone different says, discern the reasons for the differences, and diplomatically discuss.  Is this naïve?  Maybe.  Is it always doable?  No.  But you have to try to improve your wellness and that of others.

I have to admit I have not always been diplomatic in my discussions. At times, my colleagues feared discussing certain topics with me because they knew they would raise my ire.    My friends and foes had a name for it.   Instead of The Wrath of Kahn (of Star Trek fame), they called it The Wrath of Don.  But I learned as I got older that yelling and being obstinate gets you nothing but high blood pressure, coursing cortisol through your veins, and closed minds toward you and your ideas. This realization led me on a journey of personal growth and transformation, inspiring me to change my approach to disagreements.

How do you disagree without being disagreeable and listen without losing yourself and your moral rudder? Sometimes, you must stand your ground, but knowing when and how is critical. It is not a science but an art and is the essence of being human.   To understand how to be diplomatic when you disagree, let’s look at real-life examples of people who model this behavior and the lessons they taught.

1 Look for commonalities.   

One of the best examples of two people who rarely agreed but were good friends and respected each other’s intellect was Justice Scalia and Justice Ginsberg.  They found a shared love for opera, cooking, and growing up in New York, which brought them together.  They both deeply loved the Constitution, even though it was from different viewpoints.  Scalia was conservative to the bone and was the master of dissent, while Justice Ginsberg anchored the liberal side of the court.  They often vacationed together based on their mutual shared interests. 

However, in the court, they rarely saw eye to eye but had enough respect for the other to share their dissent, often to improve the argument of the other.   Justice Scalia once said of Justice Ginsburg in a 2013 interview:  “She has done more to shape the law in this field than any other justice on this court,”  Later, he said, “She will take a lawyer who is making a ridiculous argument and just shake him like a dog with a bone.”   Ginsberg had no less respect for Scalia.  Upon hearing of his death, she said of Justice Scalia, drawing from their shared love of Opera:  “Toward the end of the opera Scalia/Ginsburg, tenor Scalia and soprano Ginsburg sing a duet: “We are different, we are one,” different in our interpretation of written texts, one in our reverence for the Constitution and the institution we serve. From our years together at the D.C. Circuit, we were best buddies. We disagreed occasionally, but when I wrote for the Court and received a Scalia dissent, the opinion ultimately released was notably better than my initial circulation.

When you draw on commonalities and listen to others with respect, you will inevitably strengthen your position and may find a way to find common ground.  And if you don’t find common ground, the differences will be made clear without rancor or vitriol.

2.  You can argue but should never quarrel. 

One of my favorite authors is GK Chesterton.  The king of paradoxes and the champion of orthodoxy.  He wrote in his autobiography concerning debates with his brother that ‘they often argued, but never quarreled.’  By this, he meant he debated his point of disagreement on what he considered fact, but never in animosity or hostility.  Indeed, Chesterton often argued with those he differed with (Huxley, Wells, and others) but on ideals, not graciously, attacking the idea and not the person.  He also took the time to understand the arguments of his opponents thoroughly and always tried to gain some common ground with an opponent. In this way, he reminded me of my professor, Congresswoman Barbara Jordan, whose rules of civility I follow today and discussed previously. This emphasis on respect in disagreement is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and fostering understanding. Read the previous blog here

1. Know the other side’s view at least as well as they do

2. Seek first commonalities and build on them to establish a relationship

3. Then and only then, civilly and with respect, explain any differing viewpoints

Follow these rules and always seek to argue but not quarrel with those you disagree with. When you quarrel on emotion instead of arguing from a reasoned viewpoint, you cut off any path to finding common ground.

3.  You Have to Stand for Something, or You Will Fall for Anything. 

This last point sounds paradoxical in comparison to the other two points.  But there is a point when you must stand your ground and agree to disagree.  As I said earlier, knowing when to stand your ground is an art, not a science.  

Here is a simple, straightforward example.  You have a friend who cannot break free from addiction.  They argue with you to look the other way again, and they can turn it around. In this case, you need to stand your ground and not enable them because it will hurt you and them. 

But most cases are not this clear-cut. I do not have a perfect prescription for when to stop discussing and make a decision, but I have an imperfect one. Here are the three questions to consider when making a decision to disagree and go a different way.

1.  Have I, with an open ear, actively listened to the opposite view?  In answering this question, you must honestly consider if you turned a tin ear to the other person’s point of view and only listened to the counterarguments in your heart.

2.  Now that I understand the point of view, are other supporting factors not yet considered?  In other words, have I taken the time to consider the other’s argument further beyond their talking points?  Sometimes, you may have new insights that have appeared during the discussion.

3. Is the differences between us something worth fighting for?  If I agree with the person, even if not the best approach, does it cause harm to me or others, now and in the future?  This question is the most difficult of the three. 

To close, being civil and kind while actively listening is not easy, but it is necessary if we are seeking a way to better ourselves and this country. I hope this discussion, in light of recent events, such as the attempted shooting of a President and the rancor on both sides, helps you discern the viewpoint of others. I want to leave you with a poem I wrote two years ago on July 4th. 

I love this country,
more and more,
From the Rockies’ peak,
To Grand Canyon’s floor!

I love this country,
Yes, it’s true!
Whether in a Red state,
Or one that’s Blue.

Watch West Side Story,
Or Hamilton.
Let’s pull together,
And act as one.

March the streets,
Have your say,
But let’s come together,
At the end of the day,

And love this country!
Love it, true,
And wave it proudly,
The Red, White and Blue.

Five Summer Time Tricks To Stay Fit

Don Grier

Summer officially starts tomorrow, June 20, but the heat index has already crept into the 100s in Austin for a few days.   If you want to continue to Change Well with physical activity, we all need a few tricks to stay cool when it is hot.  Here are a few techniques I use to keep active during the doldrums of August. 

1. Sunrise, Sunset.  They say the early bird catches the worm.  But I say the early walker catches the cool breeze. (ok, make that a warm breeze in Texas).  The good news for those working is that the sun rises earlier and sets later in the summer.  That means you don’t need to search for a flashlight to take your walk before or after work.  I always use the early and late sun to walk before or after work (or both).  This way, I catch the morning sunrise or glorious sunset when the temperature is less hot.  You rejuvenate yourself before a busy day or decompress after a stressful one.  Nothing soothes stress better than birdsong carried on a cool morning breeze or seeing the sun touch down over a shimmering pond.   To change up the lyrics a bit from a song from Fiddler on the Roof:

Sunrise, Sunset,
Sunrise, Sunset,
Avoid the heat of day,
Cool breezes fade after the morning,
Turning into a stifling haze.

Sunrise, Sunset,
Sunrise, Sunset,
Wait until the evening comes,
Take a walk with the moon and birdsong,
That way, you can walk extra-long.

2.  Stay Cool In The Pool. Playing in the pool is one way to exercise and avoid heat exhaustion. But what if you are not Michael Phelps or Katie Ledecky?  I am assuredly not a great swimmer.  I did not know how to swim until I was a plebe at West Point and never got out of the rock squad (those who sink like a rock).  I still do not know how I passed with a C- since I nearly drowned during the timed swim.   

You can engage in activities in the pool other than swimming, even if you’re not in the best shape.  The one that helped me when I was first beginning my weight loss journey was water aerobics. Weighing in at 350+, I entered the pool because it was the only thing I could do without my joints protesting.  Once I overcame my initial self-consciousness of being the youngest in the class, I found that water aerobics provided a fantastic workout. The best part was that I didn’t need to be overly coordinated.  It was my first step in reclaiming my fitness, and it’s still a reliable exercise option when the weather gets hot. 

For all the young parents out there, playing with your children in the pool is not just a way to beat the heat but also a fun way to stay in shape.  When my oldest daughter was learning to swim (not from me, the Rock, but from classes), we used to have a blast playing a game called Butterfly.  I would lift her and toss her in the pool, singing, “Butterfly, butterfly, how high can you fly?”.  She would then swim 15 feet back to me and respond upon return, “Over the trees and meadows!”.   We sometimes repeated that for about 20 minutes. This is how she learned how to swim, and I got my weightlifting done. The bottom line is to be creative when staying cool in the pool and enjoying precious moments with your children.

3.  Drink and Know Things. One of my favorite lines from Game of Thrones is when Tyrian says, “I drink, and I know things.”   I even have a T-shirt with that saying. This is good advice for the summer as long as, unlike Tyrian, you drink water instead of wine and know when to stop and stay hydrated.  You may be saying that advice is obvious.  I might agree.  But here is something that is not as obvious.  You can drink a lot of water and not remain hydrated.  Here is what I mean.

I went on a Kennedy Walk (50 miles in one day) during a hot day. I kept stopping at water stations along the way and became waterlogged. However, around mile marker 35, my muscles cramped up terribly, and I became woozy.  Then I realized that I had not been taking enough electrolytes and had sweated out most of the salt in my body.  I stumbled to a nearby store and was crestfallen when they ran out of Gatorade.  Luckily, they had some jars of pickles.  So I ate some pickles and drank pickle juice and got better.  The story’s moral is that staying hydrated means also watching your electrolytes.  So drink electrolytes with your water, or you’ll be in a pickle.  Ok, that was corny even for me!

4.  Buddy Up.  I usually walk alone to listen to the latest David Baldacci book.  But in the summer, I know enough to buddy up when hiking.  First, it will keep you motivated.  But more importantly, you can watch out for one another.

If I have to exercise in the heat, I try to find a friend to come with me.  This advice has saved me on several occasions directly and probably a lot more indirectly.  Here is an example.   I enlisted my youngest daughter to come with me on a walk one early fall day.  Even though the place we were walking in was wooded, we unfortunately got a bit lost.  Plus, the temperature, which was supposed to be in the low eighties, jumped into the nineties (never trust a weather report).  We finally found our way out, but it would have been scary if I had been alone in the woods in the heat. 

5.  Switch it up with indoor activities.  Lastly, summer is an excellent time to switch up with some indoor activities.  My go-to exercise will always be hiking in nature.  However, it is time to try something indoors when it is 110 in the shade.   Summer, for me, is an excellent time to take on a new Peloton exercise series or to catch up with some low-impact on YouTube with Paul Eugene. Also, if I want to go on a walk, I can always catch up with the latest stores at the mall or what is happening at Costco.

These are five ways to beat the Summer heat and keep your fitness progressing.  Other recommendations include wearing sunscreen and head covering outdoors, bringing a wet towel to cool off, or, better yet, taking a cool shower after working out.  Lastly, do not forget about your pets when you take them outside.  The first rule of “Sunrise, Sunset” is essential for a dog’s paws.   So take them out before the sidewalk gets too hot.  Remember these rules so you can continue to change well, even in the summer heat!

Mending Wall: Knowing When to Maintain and Tear Down

Don Grier

Have you ever wondered how seemingly unrelated events can converge to shape a blog’s topic? This week’s blog is a perfect example. It all started with a small group discussion I led, coincidentally on the same topic we’re exploring today. Then, one of my favorite poems was read on my second favorite podcast.  Lastly, a personal experience of mine, missing a blog post due to neglecting some of the suggestions in this blog, added to the mix.  How are these events all connected?  They all revolve around the concept of Boundaries when to establish them, and when to dismantle them for the sake of wellness.  So, let’s delve into this topic with the poem from The Daily Poem.

The poem is The Mending Wall.  It is my favorite poem by Robert Frost, although I have a lot of others, perhaps more well-known poems such as The Road Not Taken (ha another idea for a blog on wellness, but let’s save it for another time).  This poem is best known for saying, “Good fences, make good neighbors.”    However, as Shawn Johnson in The Daily Poem correctly points out, the poem is not about the need to continually build a wall around yourself to be a good neighbor.  Sometimes, walls do not make good neighbors, nor do they make you change well.  Other times, you need to construct a boundary to care for yourself or respect others.   Here is an excerpt from the poem that provides more context.

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

I will be mischievous here as the poem suggests and question the thought that fences or, in our context, boundaries always make better neighbors.  Sometimes, to change well and improve, you need to break down a wall to engage with people.  Let me give you an example straight out of the poem.  Sometimes, it is essential to break out of your echo chamber and engage with someone who does not think exactly like you or is different than you.  You may learn something from them, expand your horizons, and grow.  Also, what is there to be afraid of?  As the poem suggests, why fear engaging with the apple tree if you are more inclined to be a pine tree?  Surely, they are not going to eat your pine cones!

One thing I am good at is breaking through boundaries. I love the diversity of opinions and ideas. That is why I went to one of the most conservative institutions for my undergraduate degree and a liberal one for my Graduate degree. I cherish my friends and teachers in both.

Another reason it may be essential to break down boundaries is when you are lonely or feeling depressed.  I know this from personal experience.  I went into a depression after losing my second parent and only my friends and colleagues helped to pull me out.  But it took a bit. 

Let’s pull in the other two events I mentioned at the start and a bit more of the poem.  The last part of the poem excerpt says: 

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.

There are indeed times when you should build a boundary.  We discussed this topic in the small group I facilitated the other week.  We should respect and understand other people’s boundaries when we think breaking through would offend.  Some boundaries are obvious.  You should not get into someone’s personal space unless invited into it.  Some are less so.  Here is an example, and one was brought up in the small session.  Some people need quiet time to reflect.  As a loud and energetic person, something you may have noticed from this podcast, there are times that I am a bit too loud for some quieter people (like my spouse). 

Besides respecting other people’s boundaries, you must also respect and inform others of your own boundaries.  I am notoriously bad at this, so I did not prepare a blog last week.  I lapsed into an old pattern that I thought I had cracked the code when I had made my change for the better in balancing work and other commitments.  I have recently added another work assignment to my portfolio. Instead of blocking off the time to do my podcast and blogging, which brings me such joy, I got overly engaged in other commitments.  At one time, when I was working 16-hour days, I was the poster child of what not to do in boundaries.  Heck, I pulled over the side of the road to power up and fix a code problem when en route to visit my wife and our new son the day after he was born.  I was equally not great with the work-life boundaries of others.  I could work anyone into the ground before I realized who really wants or needs to be worked into the ground.  People get less productive and get burned out.

I apologize for not honoring our weekly appointment to post a blog last week. So, until next week, know when to set up boundaries and when not to, and Change Well. The podcast version of this blog with additional commentary is on our podcast site.

Nurturing the Seeds of Consolation in the Soil of Desolation

Don Grier

This week’s Change Well podcast, Episode 26, is available on my company’s podcast page. It provides insights and practical tips on maintaining wellness, whether you are experiencing joy or sorrow, by reviewing ten rules for living. Written by Angelo Roncalli, better known as Pope John XXIII, the Decalogue for Living provides rules for living a good and kind life regardless of your current season.

The podcast also includes a recitation of this original poem that I wrote on the topic.

The seeds of consolation are nurtured,
grown ans formed in soil of desolation,
waiting for the appointed time,
to spring forth to renew
both body and soul.

We do not know the day or hour,
when like the sun rising on a new day,
our darkness will be pierced 
and hope renewed.
Nor do we know if it will be in this life
or the next.

But, we can have faith that it will come,
hope that our hearts will be set afire,
and charity to all,
in the time of waiting. 

Don Grier 2024