love

Joy Over Grievances – Saint Carlo Acutis

Don Grier

The world has become increasingly full of people with grievances. People complain about politicians, their neighbors, or the lack of forth in their Latte.  These grievances have been amplified through social media. Sure, there are actual injustices in this world and room for righteous anger.  But when your life becomes one long list of grievances, all you get is grief! That was not the case with Carlo Acutis.

Inspiring people to disregard the petty slights and injustices of the world to focus and amplify moments of joy.  They overcome adversity to show the way to a better life.  They use the tools that so often sow discord to show us a better way.  One such person was Carlo Acutis, who will be canonized as a Saint on September 7, 2025. 

Carlos Acutis is the first millennial Catholic Saint.  He passed from this earthly realm on 12 October 2006, from leukemia at the age of 17.  He recognized the emerging power of the internet and social media and chose to utilize it to proclaim the goodness and glory of God.   One of Carlo’s sayings was “we are all likely to fall short because as soon as someone says something we don’t like, we instantly grow angry”.  However, unlike many of us (including myself), he did not utilize his social media skills to amplify his grievances.  Instead, he used his skill to develop a media site that showcases the power of Eucharistic miracles to transform his life and that of others.  His website and media presentation are now displayed on five continents and have been shown in over a thousand parishes and more than a hundred universities.  Instead of influencing others to buy the latest gadget or gift, he influences others to a better life and to God.

His real life mirrored his virtual life.  Although his family was wealthy, he did not spend the money on the latest game.  Instead, he would use his allowance to buy food and sleeping bags for people experiencing homelessness.  Instead of endless scrolling and posting for likes, he spent his time striving to bring others to what truly matters – being kind and loving God. 

His final acts are the most important for our time.  He did not post about his suffering as he was dying.  He instead said, “There are a lot of people suffering a lot more than me. “  He was always focused on what is above and beyond, instead of what is here and before.   He offered his suffering and kept a joyful face till the end.

Transition To Your Second Act and A Happier You

Featured

I read many books each year. Most books give me a point or two on how to transition and improve, which I consider an excellent ROI for a 6 – 8-hour commitment. But I would consider very few books so life-changing that I would devote a blog or a podcast to them alone. 

One such book, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, is one I read ten years ago. As documented in my previous blog, The Return of Elvis: Seven Habits for Wellness, this book launched my wellness journey based on its insights into the habit cycle.   However, today’s blog is about a book I just read, which I hope will be as life-changing as Duhigg’s book was for me. The book is called From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C. Brooks.

The book contains insights; I need to write another book or at least a fifty-page summary to cover them all! So, I will stick to the five most important for me and briefly discuss how I apply them.

Fluid vs. Crystalized Intelligence. 

Citing Raymond Cattel’s work, Brooks discusses the two types of intelligence people have during their lifetimes. The first is fluid intelligence, “which Catrell defined as the ability to reason, think flexibly, and solve novel problems.”[i]  This type of intelligence tends to drive most innovation and begins to dissipate in most people in their thirties or early forties.  Examples are technology founders who tend to make their most significant innovations during their youth.  Another example is Albert Einstein and other Nobel Prize winners whose most extraordinary findings are in their youth.

 But for those of us past forty, don’t worry.  Fluid intelligence gives way to crystallized intelligence, “defined as the ability to use a stock of knowledge in the past.”[ii]   This type of intelligence grows in most of us for the rest of our lives.  I love Brooks’s metaphor in the book of an extensive library.  Finding the right book or quote to resolve a problem may take some time, but it is tucked away somewhere in the collected experience that we call wisdom.

People Need to Transition to Their Second Act.

The upshot of the two types of intelligence curves is that you should transition to a new direction in life earlier than most people do.  Many people whose fluid intelligence is waning stay in a role that values their fluid intelligence instead of switching to one that favors their ascending crystallized intelligence or wisdom. 

People stay on too long trying to recapture their glory days.  An example we can all understand is the Olympic athlete or football player (other than Tom Brady) who tries to stay on for one last season when they should have switched to coaching to impart their knowledge to another.  While few of us are athletes, most middle-aged people have experienced some decline in productivity in our initial field.  Hence, the term mid-life crisis.

Brooks uses the example of J.S. Bach, who executed the transition to his second act well.  J.S. Bach was a musical innovator, but when the style of music changed,  he transitioned to teacher and supporter of his children’s careers.  He is now remembered for the composition The Art of Fugue, which he wrote during his second act when others seemingly surpassed him.  Like J.S. Bach, we would be better served and happier by pursuing activities such as coaching and teaching that use crystallized intelligence.  Those who jump to their “second curve “earlier have happier and more rewarding lives.

Why Do We Wait to Transition? Success Addiction.

So why do people take so long to transition to their second act and ride the curve of crystalized knowledge to happiness and achievement of a different kind?  Brooks points out in his third chapter that success addiction causes us to hang on even when we are missing a step.  He illustrates the problem in the following paragraph related to one of his friends.

“We know in our hearts that the objectification of others is wrong and immoral. But it is easy to forget that we can do it to ourselves as well. My financier friend had objectified herself to be special, with a self-definition that revolved around work, achievement, worldly rewards, and pride. Even though that object was slowly eroding, she was too attached to her worldly success to make [iii]the changes that could now bring her happiness.”[iv]

I can relate to Brooks’s friend.  I have foregone vacations, time with family, and cultivating friends because I did not want my work colleagues to think I was slacking.  Also, our literature is rife with examples of people who pursued work success over family and friends.  The most poignant example is Willie Loman in The Death of a Salesman,  who committed suicide after losing his job when he continued his work as a traveling salesman.  He could not jump to his second curve.

Chip Away to A New You.

So, how do you get off the success wheel and transition to the next curve?  The best way is not to jump all at once but start chipping away at your first act and sculpting your second act.  Brooks gives good advice in this area in his book.

 One is to focus on your core work and forego taking on tasks that may get you some material success but take you away from family and friends.  A further recommendation is to cultivate your Aspen Grove.  Each Aspen tree is large but has a very shallow individual root system.  Instead, an Aspen Grove “is the largest living organism in the world” since the roots of individual trees in the grove are interconnected.  Brooks explains this metaphor:

“We may look solitary, but we form a vast root system of families, friends, communities, nations, and indeed the entire world. The inevitable changes in my life-and yours aren’t a tragedy to regret. They are just changes to one interconnected member of the human family-one shoot from the root system. The secret to bearing my decline-no, enjoying it-is to be more conscious of the roots linking me to others.         If I am connected to others, in love, my increase will be more than offset by the increase to others…”[v]

I followed this advice before reading the book.  I began chipping away at the old me and moved on to my second curve.  At the time, I was working at my full-time job, but I knew I had to start making the shift to my second act. So, like any good blogger, I made an acronym for my second act.   The abbreviation CRAFT represents my aspirations as a coach, religious, author, friend, and teacher.  I am happy to say I am well on the way to all pursuits. 

I started coaching my team more in my old role.  Now, in retirement, I have started a coaching business.  I also maintained a daily spiritual practice and became involved in several religious ministries.  I began two blogs and am now working on a non-fiction and poetry book.  I have become more intentional about cultivating friendships.  Lastly, I am teaching math and religion classes.  These activities cannot replace my former work regarding material success, but they more than makeup for it in terms of happiness, purpose, and success. 

What Does The New You Look Like?

Brooks closes with seven words that he strives to follow in his second curve:

Use things.

Love people.

Worship the Divine.[vi]

These words ring true to me.  As you get closer to the end, things should have a declining grip on your life.  I will not regret getting the latest gadget, but I will regret if I do not reconcile with a friend or tell your family that you love them.  Also, my Divine may differ from yours, but those who look beyond themselves have more happiness and peace.   

I want to end with a poem that came to me while meditating on my first act and contemplating the second.  As we move to our second season, we should focus on the goodness of this world and forego the great. 

Be good, not great,

For the time is late,

And we have but a day,

To show the way!

Seek kindness, not power,

Make Love a Tower,

Your heart the leaven,

To seek out heaven.

Take time, don’t wait,

For eternity is our fate,

If we do what is asked,

And complete our task.

Seek peace, not fame,

As your temptations you tame,

For the time is late!

Be good, not great.

[i] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 26.

[ii] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 27

 

[iv] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 45

[v] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 113

[vi] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 215

The Gift of Fatherhood: 5 Ways It Shaped Me into a Better Person

Don Grier

I am looking forward to Father’s Day this Sunday.  I cherish every gift my children have given me over these 36 years of Fatherhood, from plaster cast moldings of their handprints to more recent gifts to events and workshops.  I also love getting some barbeque and a few beers.   But the greatest gift of all is the opportunity, along with my wife, to raise four empathetic, brilliant, and kind adults.   Quite frankly, I believe that instead of getting gifts this Sunday, I should be giving gifts back for the opportunity of being a Father. 

Fatherhood is not always given proper recognition in today’s society. But today’s blog is not focused on the positive impact of fathers on their families and communities. I have written a previous blog called Let’s Celebrate Fathers as Builders. Today, my focus is on the positive benefits of being a father for the father himself.  Indeed, I am healthier, happier, and kinder through my vocation of Fatherhood, and I thank the Father above for giving me the mission!

Here are five ways being an engaged Dad has made me better.

1. It made me more patient. I still need work in this area, but I cannot imagine how I would have turned out if we had not had kids. From the start, I have been an impatient person. My Papaw gave all his grandchildren a nickname. Mine was “Walkie-Talkie” because I always walking, talking, and going places. 

I was hurrying to the top and impatient about anything that got in the way.  But being a father has a way of slowing you down. For example, you can’t walk fast if you are trying to lead a toddler to take their first steps, teach your kid math, or take your daughter to buy a prom dress (especially if it is my middle daughter 😊).  If you don’t take the time to listen, you will miss your child growing up.  Plus, why are you hurrying in the first place?  You will blink, and your children will all be grown up.  So follow that lyric from the old 70’s song by Wayne Newton, Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast.

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, slow down some ’cause you’re makin’ me run

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

2.  It made me lighten up.  Unfortunately, impatience was not the only thing that I needed to work on as I took on my role as a Father.  To say that I am an intense, serious person is an understatement.  I am strictly Type A by nature and find it hard to loosen up and have fun.  Some of my current friends would disagree but did not know me before fatherhood.  Here is an example of my intensity. 

My mom went with me to back to school day back in my junior year when we moved to Texas.  Every 15 minutes, we would have to switch classes and meet the teacher.  I walked directly to class while people were trying to flag me down and say hello or joke.  In her Jersey accent, my mom would say Donn…nie, why didn’t you say hi to those cute girls saying hi to you?  I said something like Mom, we have to get to class, and I do not want us to be late.  As always, I was too focused on the mission and what was next.  I did not have time to have fun or laugh.

But it is hard not to laugh and have fun with your children.  They have an excellent way of humbling you and making you see the humor in everyday life.  How can you not laugh when they smile at you, dance with crazy legs to the Back Street Boys, or even put their pants on backward?    These are just a few of the things.  I also had a hidden gift for kid songs and stories.  I had always written poetry and stories, but they were all serious and overly dramatic.  But as a dad, I found I had a knack for stories.  My oldest daughter and her friends still remember “The Tales of Super Guinea and Sharky Shark” and Super Fanny Pack Mom. 

3.  It helped me stay fit and get healthy. Being a dad is a catalyst for maintaining your health, and if you lose your health, a prod to turn it around.  When the children were younger, staying fit to keep up with them was relatively easy.  I even made up fitness routines for shopping when I could not exercise alone.  Here is an idea for dads who need to get groceries with the kids in tow.  It is called Crazy Cart.  I used to go to HEB with my two middle children in twin seats in the shopping cart and my oldest daughter running alongside me.  We see how fast we could run up and down the aisles shopping while other shoppers jumped out of the way.  Our record for $100 in groceries was under 8 minutes!  Later, I loved playing soccer with my son in the backyard.  When he was little, I let him get ahead, and then I would return and win until I could not!

Later, as they got older and entered their school sports, I gained weight by focusing on work and making money for the family.  Then, wanting to be around them as they struck out on their lives made me want to get healthy.  I remember my son’s high school graduation, which was one of the catalysts for me returning to shape.  Weighing in at 350+, I was ashamed to be in his picture.  The fact that he was happy for me to share that day spurred me on to better for him and myself.  Four years later, I was 170 pounds lighter for his college graduation.

4.  It helped me with empathy and emotional intelligence. From our discussion so far, you can probably tell I did not have a high EQ before becoming a father. Dads have to become more empathetic and emotionally aware as they adjust to their children’s different talents. Each kid is unique, with a different way of reacting to you.   For example, I have the Dad voice of all Dad voices.  However, it is highly counterproductive when dealing with my middle daughter.  It’s a liability more than an asset with all the kids, but that is the empathy side.  I had to find different ways to connect with each kid and meet them where they are.  

5. It helped me become a better team player.  Lastly, being a Dad made me a better team player, especially with my wife.  As parents, you need to present a united front.   Kids are adept at finding any difference in their parent’s opinions and using it to their advantage.  Also, a family unit is built on loyalty, teamwork, and sacrifice.  Individual contributors need not apply. 

So there you have it—five ways the gift of fatherhood made me a better person.  I want to close with a poem that I wrote about the most outstanding achievement of any father and his wife.  A great family.  I wrote this poem at my youngest daughter’s graduation ceremony after seeing a picture of my four children at that event.

Some invest in stocks,
Others purchase gold,
Other invest in real estate,
And Futures bought and sold,

But we invest in our kids,
My lovely wife and I,
And moments like your graduation,
Make me want to cry,

With a heartfelt exclamation,
And thankfulness unbound,
With joyfulness and love,
And smiles all around!

A Mother’s Love Goes On

Featured1 Comment

A mother’s love is a gift that resounds through eternity. Bringing a new life into the world enriches the diversity of the universe. A mother’s choice for life is an act of faith, hope and love.

My Mom was the leader of the family.  She was the soul and the heart who taught us how to laugh, love and get along in the world.  I learned many lessons from my mom but here are just three with appropriate antidotes.

  1. How not to take myself so seriously!  Anyone who knows me knows that I am an intense guy.  Part of that is from my Dad who always said this or that is the greatest or the best thing ever.  And part of that is just my anal retentive self.  Mom was the opposite.  She used to loosen me and my Dad up.  Here is an anecdote.  My mom went with me to back to school day back in my junior year when we moved to Texas.  Every 15 minutes we would have to switch classes and meet the teacher.  I walked directly to class while people were trying to flag me down and say high.  My Mom in her Jersey accent would say Donn…nie, why didn’t you say hi to those cute girls that were saying hi to you!  I said something like Mom we have to get to class and I do not want us to be late.  As always, I was too focused on the mission and what was next.  My Mom tried to focus me on relationships and what was now.
  2. Sing from your heart.  My love of singing and whatever literary skills I have come from my Mom.  She loved Debbie Reynolds and old Irish songs.  I grew up with the songs “Tammy”, Irish tunes, and “Frankie and Johnnie Were Lovers” running in my mind.  She taught me to sing from your soul, from my heart.   She also was quite a writer herself as was my Mother In Law Audrey.  To this day, I can never hear the song Tammy without weeping out loud.  It was the song of my childhood and is cemented on my soul!
  3. Love, love, love to the End!   What is it with Mothers?  They love us always and to the end.  My Mom was the same way (as was the Mother of all, the blessed Mother).  Two anecdotes stand out.  I remember back in Jersey being bullied by some kids.  I was the nerdy kid.  Heck my nickname was Richie Cunningham.  My Mom one day tracked them down and chewed them out.  They never bothered me again! The second anecdote was the time in the aftermath of my Dad’s passing.  Mom was the rock that kept us all going.  She demonstrated devotion and everlasting love by staying out in the country of East Texas until the house was sold and the estate settled.  She was struggling but she continued to lift us up and get things done.

Last Thoughts.  My last memory of my Mom is the most meaningful and testament to her love.   I was sitting in the hospital in Richmond, Texas.  My mom was on a respirator and the Doctor asked me and the rest of the family if we should pull her off the respirator.  Even though she pointed to it to stop, we were struggling to give our OK.  We sat there and finally gave our OK.  But Mom had saved us.  She knew her time and had passed.  I will never forget her final act of love.  How she protected us from that decision.

In closing, there will never, ever, ever be someone as great and more deserving of your respect than your mother.  Love them!  Bless them! And, thank them for what you are and what you will be!  Not just this Mother’s Da