“You can’t control another person. It doesn’t matter how much you love them. You can’t love someone back to health and you can’t hate someone back to health and no matter how right you are about something, it doesn’t mean they will change their mind.”

Taylor Jenkins Reid, Daisy Jones & the Six

Anyone who has ever dealt with addiction and unhealthy habits understands the truth behind the statement above from the bestseller and Amazon Prime mini-series Daisy Jones & the Six.  I know from my own experience on both sides of the relationship.  I have tried unsuccessfully to dissuade loved ones from unhealthy habits.  On the flip side, my wife and children tried to stop me from overworking and overeating.  I do not want to stop you from trying to help your family and friends.  However, the truth is that they will not tackle the negative routine until they realize that they have a problem and take concrete steps to change.  They may change for a season, but sooner or later, they will fall into their old routines unless the change is something they want in their soul. 

I will not talk about others, but I know it was the case with my addiction to unhealthy eating and overworking.  Despite my grumpiness and excess weight, I still marvel at how loving my wife and children were to me.  My kids often tried to convince me not to go on an ICR (Ice Cream Run), even though they wanted a Blizzard of their own!  They also had to deal with their dad not keeping up with them or hindering an event.  One event that stands out is my youngest son and daughter when they made the homecoming court.  In the picture below, you see me at near-peak weight after just barely avoiding disaster.  Arriving only 5 minutes from when my wife and I were to walk my son onto the field, my legs cramped up, and I had stretched to the very second I had to arrive on the field. They loved me enough that they wanted me to walk with them.  But I did nothing to change my ways until I was ready.

So, what can you do to help those you love who are off the rails?  There are three things not to do and three things to do.

Not to do:

1. Nag or beg.   Those in addiction may not do what you want when you love them, but they will not do it if you nag or beg them to stop their behavior.  It will instead put them on the defensive or have them looking for problems on your end.  Here is one example. The few times my wife asked if I really needed another glass of wine or blizzard, I would say something like this:  “You would not ask me this if I had your fidgety habits.  You can eat this and not gain a pound because of your metabolism.”
2. Disconnect.  I understand that sometimes a person’s addiction threatens to drag you in, so you may need to separate from them, especially during the negative behavior.  But, if at all possible, stay connected with the person.  In that way, you can help them when they are ready.
3. Enable them.  Even if you do not have a similar temptation, try to avoid activities or actions that trigger the unhealthy behavior of your friend.  If the person drinks excessively, avoid bars and nightclubs on your outings.  If they overeat, avoid the buffet line.  Find other activities that do not trigger harmful habits and potentially reinforce positive habits. 

To Do:

1. Continue to love them.  I know I opened up with the idea that you cannot love someone into health.  But you can love them through the tough times and be there when they are ready to make a change. 
2. Intervene when necessary.  Intervention when critical is not the same as nagging.  Also, sometimes love calls for tough medicine.  If someone is about to harm themselves or others, you need to intervene either directly, if possible, or with authorities if you or they are at risk.  When and when not to intervene is often a hard call.    But sometimes, it is the loving thing to do and the only thing to let the other person know they need to change.
3. Quietly lead by example.  If you can and do not have a similar bad habit, live the positive one you want them to take.  Make a healthy meal.  Ask the workaholic to take a break and walk with you.  It may not work the first or second time.  But, if you keep it up, they will notice your quiet example.