Leadership

Transition To Your Second Act and A Happier You

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I read many books each year. Most books give me a point or two on how to transition and improve, which I consider an excellent ROI for a 6 – 8-hour commitment. But I would consider very few books so life-changing that I would devote a blog or a podcast to them alone. 

One such book, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, is one I read ten years ago. As documented in my previous blog, The Return of Elvis: Seven Habits for Wellness, this book launched my wellness journey based on its insights into the habit cycle.   However, today’s blog is about a book I just read, which I hope will be as life-changing as Duhigg’s book was for me. The book is called From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C. Brooks.

The book contains insights; I need to write another book or at least a fifty-page summary to cover them all! So, I will stick to the five most important for me and briefly discuss how I apply them.

Fluid vs. Crystalized Intelligence. 

Citing Raymond Cattel’s work, Brooks discusses the two types of intelligence people have during their lifetimes. The first is fluid intelligence, “which Catrell defined as the ability to reason, think flexibly, and solve novel problems.”[i]  This type of intelligence tends to drive most innovation and begins to dissipate in most people in their thirties or early forties.  Examples are technology founders who tend to make their most significant innovations during their youth.  Another example is Albert Einstein and other Nobel Prize winners whose most extraordinary findings are in their youth.

 But for those of us past forty, don’t worry.  Fluid intelligence gives way to crystallized intelligence, “defined as the ability to use a stock of knowledge in the past.”[ii]   This type of intelligence grows in most of us for the rest of our lives.  I love Brooks’s metaphor in the book of an extensive library.  Finding the right book or quote to resolve a problem may take some time, but it is tucked away somewhere in the collected experience that we call wisdom.

People Need to Transition to Their Second Act.

The upshot of the two types of intelligence curves is that you should transition to a new direction in life earlier than most people do.  Many people whose fluid intelligence is waning stay in a role that values their fluid intelligence instead of switching to one that favors their ascending crystallized intelligence or wisdom. 

People stay on too long trying to recapture their glory days.  An example we can all understand is the Olympic athlete or football player (other than Tom Brady) who tries to stay on for one last season when they should have switched to coaching to impart their knowledge to another.  While few of us are athletes, most middle-aged people have experienced some decline in productivity in our initial field.  Hence, the term mid-life crisis.

Brooks uses the example of J.S. Bach, who executed the transition to his second act well.  J.S. Bach was a musical innovator, but when the style of music changed,  he transitioned to teacher and supporter of his children’s careers.  He is now remembered for the composition The Art of Fugue, which he wrote during his second act when others seemingly surpassed him.  Like J.S. Bach, we would be better served and happier by pursuing activities such as coaching and teaching that use crystallized intelligence.  Those who jump to their “second curve “earlier have happier and more rewarding lives.

Why Do We Wait to Transition? Success Addiction.

So why do people take so long to transition to their second act and ride the curve of crystalized knowledge to happiness and achievement of a different kind?  Brooks points out in his third chapter that success addiction causes us to hang on even when we are missing a step.  He illustrates the problem in the following paragraph related to one of his friends.

“We know in our hearts that the objectification of others is wrong and immoral. But it is easy to forget that we can do it to ourselves as well. My financier friend had objectified herself to be special, with a self-definition that revolved around work, achievement, worldly rewards, and pride. Even though that object was slowly eroding, she was too attached to her worldly success to make [iii]the changes that could now bring her happiness.”[iv]

I can relate to Brooks’s friend.  I have foregone vacations, time with family, and cultivating friends because I did not want my work colleagues to think I was slacking.  Also, our literature is rife with examples of people who pursued work success over family and friends.  The most poignant example is Willie Loman in The Death of a Salesman,  who committed suicide after losing his job when he continued his work as a traveling salesman.  He could not jump to his second curve.

Chip Away to A New You.

So, how do you get off the success wheel and transition to the next curve?  The best way is not to jump all at once but start chipping away at your first act and sculpting your second act.  Brooks gives good advice in this area in his book.

 One is to focus on your core work and forego taking on tasks that may get you some material success but take you away from family and friends.  A further recommendation is to cultivate your Aspen Grove.  Each Aspen tree is large but has a very shallow individual root system.  Instead, an Aspen Grove “is the largest living organism in the world” since the roots of individual trees in the grove are interconnected.  Brooks explains this metaphor:

“We may look solitary, but we form a vast root system of families, friends, communities, nations, and indeed the entire world. The inevitable changes in my life-and yours aren’t a tragedy to regret. They are just changes to one interconnected member of the human family-one shoot from the root system. The secret to bearing my decline-no, enjoying it-is to be more conscious of the roots linking me to others.         If I am connected to others, in love, my increase will be more than offset by the increase to others…”[v]

I followed this advice before reading the book.  I began chipping away at the old me and moved on to my second curve.  At the time, I was working at my full-time job, but I knew I had to start making the shift to my second act. So, like any good blogger, I made an acronym for my second act.   The abbreviation CRAFT represents my aspirations as a coach, religious, author, friend, and teacher.  I am happy to say I am well on the way to all pursuits. 

I started coaching my team more in my old role.  Now, in retirement, I have started a coaching business.  I also maintained a daily spiritual practice and became involved in several religious ministries.  I began two blogs and am now working on a non-fiction and poetry book.  I have become more intentional about cultivating friendships.  Lastly, I am teaching math and religion classes.  These activities cannot replace my former work regarding material success, but they more than makeup for it in terms of happiness, purpose, and success. 

What Does The New You Look Like?

Brooks closes with seven words that he strives to follow in his second curve:

Use things.

Love people.

Worship the Divine.[vi]

These words ring true to me.  As you get closer to the end, things should have a declining grip on your life.  I will not regret getting the latest gadget, but I will regret if I do not reconcile with a friend or tell your family that you love them.  Also, my Divine may differ from yours, but those who look beyond themselves have more happiness and peace.   

I want to end with a poem that came to me while meditating on my first act and contemplating the second.  As we move to our second season, we should focus on the goodness of this world and forego the great. 

Be good, not great,

For the time is late,

And we have but a day,

To show the way!

Seek kindness, not power,

Make Love a Tower,

Your heart the leaven,

To seek out heaven.

Take time, don’t wait,

For eternity is our fate,

If we do what is asked,

And complete our task.

Seek peace, not fame,

As your temptations you tame,

For the time is late!

Be good, not great.

[i] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 26.

[ii] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 27

 

[iv] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 45

[v] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 113

[vi] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 215

The Importance of Civility, Kindness, and Active Listening on Wellness

Don Grier

Today, I will hit a recurring theme on the Change Well blog – the importance of civility, kindness, and active listening on wellness. I don’t want to sound too hyperbolic, but I believe these traits are critical to the soul of this great nation.   The only way to continue to grow is to listen with an open mind to the things you don’t know about yourself and others.  It would be best if you seized on the commonalities to convince yourself to do so and not discount what someone different says, discern the reasons for the differences, and diplomatically discuss.  Is this naïve?  Maybe.  Is it always doable?  No.  But you have to try to improve your wellness and that of others.

I have to admit I have not always been diplomatic in my discussions. At times, my colleagues feared discussing certain topics with me because they knew they would raise my ire.    My friends and foes had a name for it.   Instead of The Wrath of Kahn (of Star Trek fame), they called it The Wrath of Don.  But I learned as I got older that yelling and being obstinate gets you nothing but high blood pressure, coursing cortisol through your veins, and closed minds toward you and your ideas. This realization led me on a journey of personal growth and transformation, inspiring me to change my approach to disagreements.

How do you disagree without being disagreeable and listen without losing yourself and your moral rudder? Sometimes, you must stand your ground, but knowing when and how is critical. It is not a science but an art and is the essence of being human.   To understand how to be diplomatic when you disagree, let’s look at real-life examples of people who model this behavior and the lessons they taught.

1 Look for commonalities.   

One of the best examples of two people who rarely agreed but were good friends and respected each other’s intellect was Justice Scalia and Justice Ginsberg.  They found a shared love for opera, cooking, and growing up in New York, which brought them together.  They both deeply loved the Constitution, even though it was from different viewpoints.  Scalia was conservative to the bone and was the master of dissent, while Justice Ginsberg anchored the liberal side of the court.  They often vacationed together based on their mutual shared interests. 

However, in the court, they rarely saw eye to eye but had enough respect for the other to share their dissent, often to improve the argument of the other.   Justice Scalia once said of Justice Ginsburg in a 2013 interview:  “She has done more to shape the law in this field than any other justice on this court,”  Later, he said, “She will take a lawyer who is making a ridiculous argument and just shake him like a dog with a bone.”   Ginsberg had no less respect for Scalia.  Upon hearing of his death, she said of Justice Scalia, drawing from their shared love of Opera:  “Toward the end of the opera Scalia/Ginsburg, tenor Scalia and soprano Ginsburg sing a duet: “We are different, we are one,” different in our interpretation of written texts, one in our reverence for the Constitution and the institution we serve. From our years together at the D.C. Circuit, we were best buddies. We disagreed occasionally, but when I wrote for the Court and received a Scalia dissent, the opinion ultimately released was notably better than my initial circulation.

When you draw on commonalities and listen to others with respect, you will inevitably strengthen your position and may find a way to find common ground.  And if you don’t find common ground, the differences will be made clear without rancor or vitriol.

2.  You can argue but should never quarrel. 

One of my favorite authors is GK Chesterton.  The king of paradoxes and the champion of orthodoxy.  He wrote in his autobiography concerning debates with his brother that ‘they often argued, but never quarreled.’  By this, he meant he debated his point of disagreement on what he considered fact, but never in animosity or hostility.  Indeed, Chesterton often argued with those he differed with (Huxley, Wells, and others) but on ideals, not graciously, attacking the idea and not the person.  He also took the time to understand the arguments of his opponents thoroughly and always tried to gain some common ground with an opponent. In this way, he reminded me of my professor, Congresswoman Barbara Jordan, whose rules of civility I follow today and discussed previously. This emphasis on respect in disagreement is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and fostering understanding. Read the previous blog here

1. Know the other side’s view at least as well as they do

2. Seek first commonalities and build on them to establish a relationship

3. Then and only then, civilly and with respect, explain any differing viewpoints

Follow these rules and always seek to argue but not quarrel with those you disagree with. When you quarrel on emotion instead of arguing from a reasoned viewpoint, you cut off any path to finding common ground.

3.  You Have to Stand for Something, or You Will Fall for Anything. 

This last point sounds paradoxical in comparison to the other two points.  But there is a point when you must stand your ground and agree to disagree.  As I said earlier, knowing when to stand your ground is an art, not a science.  

Here is a simple, straightforward example.  You have a friend who cannot break free from addiction.  They argue with you to look the other way again, and they can turn it around. In this case, you need to stand your ground and not enable them because it will hurt you and them. 

But most cases are not this clear-cut. I do not have a perfect prescription for when to stop discussing and make a decision, but I have an imperfect one. Here are the three questions to consider when making a decision to disagree and go a different way.

1.  Have I, with an open ear, actively listened to the opposite view?  In answering this question, you must honestly consider if you turned a tin ear to the other person’s point of view and only listened to the counterarguments in your heart.

2.  Now that I understand the point of view, are other supporting factors not yet considered?  In other words, have I taken the time to consider the other’s argument further beyond their talking points?  Sometimes, you may have new insights that have appeared during the discussion.

3. Is the differences between us something worth fighting for?  If I agree with the person, even if not the best approach, does it cause harm to me or others, now and in the future?  This question is the most difficult of the three. 

To close, being civil and kind while actively listening is not easy, but it is necessary if we are seeking a way to better ourselves and this country. I hope this discussion, in light of recent events, such as the attempted shooting of a President and the rancor on both sides, helps you discern the viewpoint of others. I want to leave you with a poem I wrote two years ago on July 4th. 

I love this country,
more and more,
From the Rockies’ peak,
To Grand Canyon’s floor!

I love this country,
Yes, it’s true!
Whether in a Red state,
Or one that’s Blue.

Watch West Side Story,
Or Hamilton.
Let’s pull together,
And act as one.

March the streets,
Have your say,
But let’s come together,
At the end of the day,

And love this country!
Love it, true,
And wave it proudly,
The Red, White and Blue.

Nurturing the Seeds of Consolation in the Soil of Desolation

Don Grier

This week’s Change Well podcast, Episode 26, is available on my company’s podcast page. It provides insights and practical tips on maintaining wellness, whether you are experiencing joy or sorrow, by reviewing ten rules for living. Written by Angelo Roncalli, better known as Pope John XXIII, the Decalogue for Living provides rules for living a good and kind life regardless of your current season.

The podcast also includes a recitation of this original poem that I wrote on the topic.

The seeds of consolation are nurtured,
grown ans formed in soil of desolation,
waiting for the appointed time,
to spring forth to renew
both body and soul.

We do not know the day or hour,
when like the sun rising on a new day,
our darkness will be pierced 
and hope renewed.
Nor do we know if it will be in this life
or the next.

But, we can have faith that it will come,
hope that our hearts will be set afire,
and charity to all,
in the time of waiting. 

Don Grier 2024

Five Restorative Practices (and a Song!) to Heal Your Body and Soul

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This is the first of two in a blog series on the importance of mindfulness. You can also hear this blog read and sung on Episode 17 of our Change Well Podcast

There is a definite connection between body and soul.  Be happy, feel better.  Share kindness, win friends, and feel good.  On the other hand, when you are stressed or miss your workout, it is not always easy to turn the other cheek.  Common sense confirms recent studies that caring for others improves the well-being of those you helped and your own!

I have struggled to learn this lesson.  I am naturally an intense person and a bit of a curmudgeon—a person who is sometimes not kind to others, particularly myself.  Driven to achieve, I occasionally drive other people out and beat myself up.  This often led to regret, guilt, and, more often than not, an eating binge.  A happy person is a healthy person, and vice versa.

That is why when I started on my weight loss journey, it was just as important to cleanse my soul as my body.  I took several measures to help me improve my disposition and, correspondingly, my health.  This is what I did. 

  1. Write in my Kindness Journal – I journal six minutes daily in a Kindness Journal.  It sets my daily goals for being a better person and helps me envision the person I want to become.  It also provides me a place to recognize those items the day before for which I was most pleased (being kind to myself) and reflect on those who were kind to me.   Lastly, I set my intention on one kind of beneficial act that I will do to make the world better for others.  I use this particular journal, but you can use another Kindness Journal
  2. Record happy thoughts in HappyFeed – In addition to writing in my Kindness Journal, I record three things I am so glad about each day using the iOS application HappyFeed.  You do not always have to write something earth-shattering.  Sometimes, I write something like, “I got 8 hours of sleep last night!”  The key is to dwell on what makes you happy rather than what makes you stressed.
  3. Pray, Meditate, and Give Thanks – There is no room for worry when thankful.  You feel better about yourself and also those around you.  Also, the Power of Thanksgiving can break through even the darkest hour.  I spoke about this in the following blog.  The Power of Thanksgiving
  4. Help Others – Helping others benefits those you help and others.  First, when you allow others, you focus on them, not the issues you face.  Also, you are so preoccupied with the task at hand, whether it is building a house for Habitat for Humanity or walking to raise funds to combat cancer, that you often do not have time to overeat.
  5. Smile – The simple act of smiling lightens your mood and that of others.  Better yet, laugh; it is the best medicine, as they say.

Working on your heart and soul can make you a better person and help you lose weight – a double whammy (ok enough with the W’s).  I have glorified this concept by establishing my most sacrosanct scheduled time of each day – Body and Soul Time.  If you look at my calendar, you will see 6:00 – 8:00 AM each day, blocked out as Body and Soul time.  This is when I do a weekly set of body and soul combos, combining mindfulness and prayer with exercise—more on next week’s blog.

But for now, let me close with, of all things, the importance of being third. A few weeks back, when thinking about Dr. King’s legacy and other selfless people like Gandhi and Mother Theresa, I tried to find the common thread that pulled them all together.  And I realized it was because they were each Third – behind their religious beliefs and their care for others.  I then thought about how hard it is to be Third in my life and thought of that classic song – “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”  So, I decided to write this song/poem to the tune of It’s Not Easy Being Green.  I hope you enjoy it, and my thanks to Kermit!

It’s Not Easy Being Third

It’s not easy being Third,

Putting yourself behind our human family and God’s word,

And people tend to pass you over,

cause you’re not in the latest fashion,

or have cool toys like some other guys.

But Third’s the purpose in your life,

And Third can help end earthly strife,

And Third can change the course of a nation,

Or build bridges to others, or define history.

When Third is what you are meant to be,

It could make you ponder why, but why ponder?

Why ponder, I am Third, it’s written on our Souls,

And it is where we are meant to be.