Life Lessons

Let’s Celebrate Fathers as Builders!

Don Grier1 Comment

This Father’s Day, I celebrate Dads as builders! I revel in those fathers who built buildings, large families, Turbines, farms, and all of us up to love! Amidst all the tearing down recently in our country, it is time for us Fathers to build up! Here are four examples of Fathers building up.

1.  Building a family with bricks and good earth.  My Father-In-Law, along with his wife, built a loving family of 10 borne on bricks, love, and good Minnesota earth.  The first time I met Cal, he took me to his Raspberry farm to work and to talk about his tractor.   This was the same raspberry patch my wife and her nine siblings learned responsibility each summer.  Later, Cal took me to see the buildings he built as a Union Bricklayer.  As we talked, I appreciated how he built a family, brick by brick, berry by berry.  A man of few words, his example spoke volumes.

2.  Building engines that power cities, civil life, and a family.  My father, Big-D, was a dynamo! Like the turbines that he built at his work, Big-D energized civil life and a family through respect and love.  He was a Union Vice President, a Cub Master, a baseball coach, and president of several civic organizations.  He taught me and the community how to throw a curve ball, build a car for the Pinewood Derby, and negotiate to get what a worker needs and deserves.  Countries are built on civic organizations, not tweets!  Read more here (American Anthem: More Crosswicks less Crosswise ). Dad, along with my mother, taught us how to live, love, and learn in a community. 

3.  Building in the background with humility and hard work.  God is the ultimate father as a builder.  He built heaven and this good earth, which we are called to protect.  And when God selected an earthly father to protect and teach his only Son, he selected St. Joseph.  A quiet, humble man, Joseph patiently taught the Son of Man how to build amongst humanity with his hands and heart.  Joseph stood in the background and let his work show forth through the works of the Son.  Joseph prayed and sent a path for what all good Fathers wish for their Sons; a life that eclipses their own and sets the world aright.

4. Building bridges of love.  My first three examples are no longer walking in physical form with us.  But I know that their example lives on, teaching us to build bridges of love across all humanity.  I see the builder in the young fathers I come in contact with in my work and ministries. Getting up at night to comfort a little one and waking up early each morning to work each day just a little sleep deprived.  And I remember how hard it is to be a builder, cheer as their families grow in love, and serve as an example to all of us that love knows no bounds.   

A Father’s love knows no boundaries.  It builds up instead of tears down.  It builds bridges across humanity and through time!  It is color blind and love rich.  Let’s all be builders in our families and society!

Four Proven Ways to Fail Forward

Don Grier

One undeniable truth is that life is a roller coaster.   The secret to a fulfilling life is to fail forward, learn from the lows, and keep moving onward. Hardship and mistakes are our greatest teachers. They are often the catalysts that push us out of our comfort zones and into growth.    The most successful individuals have a common thread-they have made numerous mistakes on their journey to success. Take Thomas Edison, for instance. He encountered failure over 1,000 times before creating a working light bulb.  He said, “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways it will not work.”

I am not saying that everyone should fail 10,000 times before becoming successful! However, I have four approaches to turning a failure into a success.  

1.  Forget the pain, learn, and gain.  Having a setback can be painful, costly, and humbling.  No one sets out to fail or have a hardship.  But the worst thing you can do when you have a failure is to wallow in it.   Going repeatedly in your mind with regret about what went wrong is wasted emotional energy and gets you nowhere.  Instead, take the time to understand where you went wrong dispassionately, document what you will do the next time, and make adjustments and changes to improve the next time.  Remember that no one gets through this life without having a problem.  You are a person born with a specific mission, and this setback may be the one that allows you to course correct to get on the right path.  I believe that St. John Henry Newmann said it best with his Mission Prayer, which I call to mind when I have a setback.

“God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me, which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him. Whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.” John Henry Newman

When you fail, don’t let your spirits sink.  Press on to fulfill the mission set forth for you.

2.  Proceed with Faith, Hope, and Charity.  When you fall down, the best way to achieve your mission is to proceed with faith, hope, and, most importantly, charity.  You can have faith that, bit by bit, with every setback and every triumph, you are progressing to your ultimate purpose.   Also, hope will carry you through the dark periods.  Think of Edison.  Many filaments failed, but with each failure, he saw the glint of hope of that first electric light.  But most of all, proceed with charity.  It is sometimes easy to lash out at others when things go wrong.  To blame others either for the circumstances or your mistake.  Instead, try to look at every hardship as a blessing to grow.  Even if a person did wish you ill, look for ways to turn the circumstance around.

3.  They Can Knock You Down, But They Can Never Knock You Out.  My first two suggestions came from things I have learned from my faith journey.  But the saying they can knock you down, but they can never know you out, I learned from my favorite Peloton instructor, Kendall Toole.  Kendall had to deal with mental wellness issues growing up.  What helped her to get through her stress and anxiety was the love of her family.  They reminded her that giving up is the only way to get knocked out.   Life is going to give you some body blows.  We must be persistent and determined to take the first hard steps to get off the mat.  In my case, when I had taken a series of wrong steps on my wellness journey, I was literally knocked out, leaving my IT Delivery Center when I tripped and fell on the step at 3 AM in the morning.  But I did not stay down.  I crawled to the bumper of my car, lifted myself, and the next day changed direction.  You can read more about that incident in my first two podcasts and blogs.  And it is part of my podcast theme song.  I was working 18-hour days, I slipped, and I fell.  At that very moment, I knew I had to Change Well.  Sometimes, we need to be knocked down to bounce back to better things.

4.  Be Patient and Have a Plan.   One thing to remember when digging yourself out of a ditch is that you will not climb out all in one day.  The day after I took the tumble at the delivery center, I did not suddenly drop a hundred and seventy pounds overnight.  I had to be patient, plan a path forward, and not jump at the first fad diet that happened my way.  Take the time to do a retrospective to truly discern the root of your problem and then tackle the issue in small chunks.  For some guidance, I again turn to another favorite prayer of mine, “The Litany of Patience.”    Three of the prayer requests are:

1. Deliver me from rash judgment and haste …

2.  From impulsive decision-making…

3. From the desire to act when I need to be still …

Change without a plan is nothing more than chaos. When you need to change course, take the time to be patient and plan your next move.    Don’t let that check in your path turn into a checkmate.  Take the time to change well.

Mending Wall: Knowing When to Maintain and Tear Down

Don Grier

Have you ever wondered how seemingly unrelated events can converge to shape a blog’s topic? This week’s blog is a perfect example. It all started with a small group discussion I led, coincidentally on the same topic we’re exploring today. Then, one of my favorite poems was read on my second favorite podcast.  Lastly, a personal experience of mine, missing a blog post due to neglecting some of the suggestions in this blog, added to the mix.  How are these events all connected?  They all revolve around the concept of Boundaries when to establish them, and when to dismantle them for the sake of wellness.  So, let’s delve into this topic with the poem from The Daily Poem.

The poem is The Mending Wall.  It is my favorite poem by Robert Frost, although I have a lot of others, perhaps more well-known poems such as The Road Not Taken (ha another idea for a blog on wellness, but let’s save it for another time).  This poem is best known for saying, “Good fences, make good neighbors.”    However, as Shawn Johnson in The Daily Poem correctly points out, the poem is not about the need to continually build a wall around yourself to be a good neighbor.  Sometimes, walls do not make good neighbors, nor do they make you change well.  Other times, you need to construct a boundary to care for yourself or respect others.   Here is an excerpt from the poem that provides more context.

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

I will be mischievous here as the poem suggests and question the thought that fences or, in our context, boundaries always make better neighbors.  Sometimes, to change well and improve, you need to break down a wall to engage with people.  Let me give you an example straight out of the poem.  Sometimes, it is essential to break out of your echo chamber and engage with someone who does not think exactly like you or is different than you.  You may learn something from them, expand your horizons, and grow.  Also, what is there to be afraid of?  As the poem suggests, why fear engaging with the apple tree if you are more inclined to be a pine tree?  Surely, they are not going to eat your pine cones!

One thing I am good at is breaking through boundaries. I love the diversity of opinions and ideas. That is why I went to one of the most conservative institutions for my undergraduate degree and a liberal one for my Graduate degree. I cherish my friends and teachers in both.

Another reason it may be essential to break down boundaries is when you are lonely or feeling depressed.  I know this from personal experience.  I went into a depression after losing my second parent and only my friends and colleagues helped to pull me out.  But it took a bit. 

Let’s pull in the other two events I mentioned at the start and a bit more of the poem.  The last part of the poem excerpt says: 

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.

There are indeed times when you should build a boundary.  We discussed this topic in the small group I facilitated the other week.  We should respect and understand other people’s boundaries when we think breaking through would offend.  Some boundaries are obvious.  You should not get into someone’s personal space unless invited into it.  Some are less so.  Here is an example, and one was brought up in the small session.  Some people need quiet time to reflect.  As a loud and energetic person, something you may have noticed from this podcast, there are times that I am a bit too loud for some quieter people (like my spouse). 

Besides respecting other people’s boundaries, you must also respect and inform others of your own boundaries.  I am notoriously bad at this, so I did not prepare a blog last week.  I lapsed into an old pattern that I thought I had cracked the code when I had made my change for the better in balancing work and other commitments.  I have recently added another work assignment to my portfolio. Instead of blocking off the time to do my podcast and blogging, which brings me such joy, I got overly engaged in other commitments.  At one time, when I was working 16-hour days, I was the poster child of what not to do in boundaries.  Heck, I pulled over the side of the road to power up and fix a code problem when en route to visit my wife and our new son the day after he was born.  I was equally not great with the work-life boundaries of others.  I could work anyone into the ground before I realized who really wants or needs to be worked into the ground.  People get less productive and get burned out.

I apologize for not honoring our weekly appointment to post a blog last week. So, until next week, know when to set up boundaries and when not to, and Change Well. The podcast version of this blog with additional commentary is on our podcast site.

I Don’t Know Everything

Don GrierLeave a comment

“Why did the bird die”,
asked my young daughter,,
the small bird with the fading yellow breast,
near our outside table.

Strange –
I never saw a dead bird in nature
without my cat lurking around
with a smirk on its face.

Why is that?
with the billions of birds that die
every day.

Where do they go?
Do they dissolve into the earth?
Or are the lifted up on the breath
of God.

I digress. So I answerd my daughter.
The birdie was flying home to its family
when it got caught in a storm and flew
into a tree and died.

She looked sadly at me,
much as for my weak answer as he lost bird.

“But why was Goldie,
away from her parents with a storm pressing
and the skies turing grey?”

Boy was I in trouble, now!
She had named the bird.
I should have know better,
with a precocious five-year,
and me not even knowing
where bird bones go.

So, I said that
Goldie was late from her
appointed time home after flitting
around with her friend Rocket Robin.

BIG MISTAKE!
Now she said, “Why did Mr. and Mrs. Chirpy let
Goldie fly to see Rocket when a storm
was coming?”
The parents were now involved.

I did not know what to do
with my wayward story as much as
I did not know where all birds
go when they die.

So I finally got smart,
Or seemingly so, and asked Kate
“What do you think was the reason,
poor Goldie died?”

She answered rightly and without hesitation.
“I don’t know everything!”

Don Grier