Be Good Not Great

Joy Over Grievances – Saint Carlo Acutis

Don Grier

The world has become increasingly full of people with grievances. People complain about politicians, their neighbors, or the lack of forth in their Latte.  These grievances have been amplified through social media. Sure, there are actual injustices in this world and room for righteous anger.  But when your life becomes one long list of grievances, all you get is grief! That was not the case with Carlo Acutis.

Inspiring people to disregard the petty slights and injustices of the world to focus and amplify moments of joy.  They overcome adversity to show the way to a better life.  They use the tools that so often sow discord to show us a better way.  One such person was Carlo Acutis, who will be canonized as a Saint on September 7, 2025. 

Carlos Acutis is the first millennial Catholic Saint.  He passed from this earthly realm on 12 October 2006, from leukemia at the age of 17.  He recognized the emerging power of the internet and social media and chose to utilize it to proclaim the goodness and glory of God.   One of Carlo’s sayings was “we are all likely to fall short because as soon as someone says something we don’t like, we instantly grow angry”.  However, unlike many of us (including myself), he did not utilize his social media skills to amplify his grievances.  Instead, he used his skill to develop a media site that showcases the power of Eucharistic miracles to transform his life and that of others.  His website and media presentation are now displayed on five continents and have been shown in over a thousand parishes and more than a hundred universities.  Instead of influencing others to buy the latest gadget or gift, he influences others to a better life and to God.

His real life mirrored his virtual life.  Although his family was wealthy, he did not spend the money on the latest game.  Instead, he would use his allowance to buy food and sleeping bags for people experiencing homelessness.  Instead of endless scrolling and posting for likes, he spent his time striving to bring others to what truly matters – being kind and loving God. 

His final acts are the most important for our time.  He did not post about his suffering as he was dying.  He instead said, “There are a lot of people suffering a lot more than me. “  He was always focused on what is above and beyond, instead of what is here and before.   He offered his suffering and kept a joyful face till the end.

Transition To Your Second Act and A Happier You

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I read many books each year. Most books give me a point or two on how to transition and improve, which I consider an excellent ROI for a 6 – 8-hour commitment. But I would consider very few books so life-changing that I would devote a blog or a podcast to them alone. 

One such book, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, is one I read ten years ago. As documented in my previous blog, The Return of Elvis: Seven Habits for Wellness, this book launched my wellness journey based on its insights into the habit cycle.   However, today’s blog is about a book I just read, which I hope will be as life-changing as Duhigg’s book was for me. The book is called From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C. Brooks.

The book contains insights; I need to write another book or at least a fifty-page summary to cover them all! So, I will stick to the five most important for me and briefly discuss how I apply them.

Fluid vs. Crystalized Intelligence. 

Citing Raymond Cattel’s work, Brooks discusses the two types of intelligence people have during their lifetimes. The first is fluid intelligence, “which Catrell defined as the ability to reason, think flexibly, and solve novel problems.”[i]  This type of intelligence tends to drive most innovation and begins to dissipate in most people in their thirties or early forties.  Examples are technology founders who tend to make their most significant innovations during their youth.  Another example is Albert Einstein and other Nobel Prize winners whose most extraordinary findings are in their youth.

 But for those of us past forty, don’t worry.  Fluid intelligence gives way to crystallized intelligence, “defined as the ability to use a stock of knowledge in the past.”[ii]   This type of intelligence grows in most of us for the rest of our lives.  I love Brooks’s metaphor in the book of an extensive library.  Finding the right book or quote to resolve a problem may take some time, but it is tucked away somewhere in the collected experience that we call wisdom.

People Need to Transition to Their Second Act.

The upshot of the two types of intelligence curves is that you should transition to a new direction in life earlier than most people do.  Many people whose fluid intelligence is waning stay in a role that values their fluid intelligence instead of switching to one that favors their ascending crystallized intelligence or wisdom. 

People stay on too long trying to recapture their glory days.  An example we can all understand is the Olympic athlete or football player (other than Tom Brady) who tries to stay on for one last season when they should have switched to coaching to impart their knowledge to another.  While few of us are athletes, most middle-aged people have experienced some decline in productivity in our initial field.  Hence, the term mid-life crisis.

Brooks uses the example of J.S. Bach, who executed the transition to his second act well.  J.S. Bach was a musical innovator, but when the style of music changed,  he transitioned to teacher and supporter of his children’s careers.  He is now remembered for the composition The Art of Fugue, which he wrote during his second act when others seemingly surpassed him.  Like J.S. Bach, we would be better served and happier by pursuing activities such as coaching and teaching that use crystallized intelligence.  Those who jump to their “second curve “earlier have happier and more rewarding lives.

Why Do We Wait to Transition? Success Addiction.

So why do people take so long to transition to their second act and ride the curve of crystalized knowledge to happiness and achievement of a different kind?  Brooks points out in his third chapter that success addiction causes us to hang on even when we are missing a step.  He illustrates the problem in the following paragraph related to one of his friends.

“We know in our hearts that the objectification of others is wrong and immoral. But it is easy to forget that we can do it to ourselves as well. My financier friend had objectified herself to be special, with a self-definition that revolved around work, achievement, worldly rewards, and pride. Even though that object was slowly eroding, she was too attached to her worldly success to make [iii]the changes that could now bring her happiness.”[iv]

I can relate to Brooks’s friend.  I have foregone vacations, time with family, and cultivating friends because I did not want my work colleagues to think I was slacking.  Also, our literature is rife with examples of people who pursued work success over family and friends.  The most poignant example is Willie Loman in The Death of a Salesman,  who committed suicide after losing his job when he continued his work as a traveling salesman.  He could not jump to his second curve.

Chip Away to A New You.

So, how do you get off the success wheel and transition to the next curve?  The best way is not to jump all at once but start chipping away at your first act and sculpting your second act.  Brooks gives good advice in this area in his book.

 One is to focus on your core work and forego taking on tasks that may get you some material success but take you away from family and friends.  A further recommendation is to cultivate your Aspen Grove.  Each Aspen tree is large but has a very shallow individual root system.  Instead, an Aspen Grove “is the largest living organism in the world” since the roots of individual trees in the grove are interconnected.  Brooks explains this metaphor:

“We may look solitary, but we form a vast root system of families, friends, communities, nations, and indeed the entire world. The inevitable changes in my life-and yours aren’t a tragedy to regret. They are just changes to one interconnected member of the human family-one shoot from the root system. The secret to bearing my decline-no, enjoying it-is to be more conscious of the roots linking me to others.         If I am connected to others, in love, my increase will be more than offset by the increase to others…”[v]

I followed this advice before reading the book.  I began chipping away at the old me and moved on to my second curve.  At the time, I was working at my full-time job, but I knew I had to start making the shift to my second act. So, like any good blogger, I made an acronym for my second act.   The abbreviation CRAFT represents my aspirations as a coach, religious, author, friend, and teacher.  I am happy to say I am well on the way to all pursuits. 

I started coaching my team more in my old role.  Now, in retirement, I have started a coaching business.  I also maintained a daily spiritual practice and became involved in several religious ministries.  I began two blogs and am now working on a non-fiction and poetry book.  I have become more intentional about cultivating friendships.  Lastly, I am teaching math and religion classes.  These activities cannot replace my former work regarding material success, but they more than makeup for it in terms of happiness, purpose, and success. 

What Does The New You Look Like?

Brooks closes with seven words that he strives to follow in his second curve:

Use things.

Love people.

Worship the Divine.[vi]

These words ring true to me.  As you get closer to the end, things should have a declining grip on your life.  I will not regret getting the latest gadget, but I will regret if I do not reconcile with a friend or tell your family that you love them.  Also, my Divine may differ from yours, but those who look beyond themselves have more happiness and peace.   

I want to end with a poem that came to me while meditating on my first act and contemplating the second.  As we move to our second season, we should focus on the goodness of this world and forego the great. 

Be good, not great,

For the time is late,

And we have but a day,

To show the way!

Seek kindness, not power,

Make Love a Tower,

Your heart the leaven,

To seek out heaven.

Take time, don’t wait,

For eternity is our fate,

If we do what is asked,

And complete our task.

Seek peace, not fame,

As your temptations you tame,

For the time is late!

Be good, not great.

[i] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 26.

[ii] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 27

 

[iv] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 45

[v] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 113

[vi] Brooks, Arthur C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (1st Edition). New York: Portfolio/Penguin. p. 215

Let’s Celebrate Fathers as Builders!

Don Grier1 Comment

This Father’s Day, I celebrate Dads as builders! I revel in those fathers who built buildings, large families, Turbines, farms, and all of us up to love! Amidst all the tearing down recently in our country, it is time for us Fathers to build up! Here are four examples of Fathers building up.

1.  Building a family with bricks and good earth.  My Father-In-Law, along with his wife, built a loving family of 10 borne on bricks, love, and good Minnesota earth.  The first time I met Cal, he took me to his Raspberry farm to work and to talk about his tractor.   This was the same raspberry patch my wife and her nine siblings learned responsibility each summer.  Later, Cal took me to see the buildings he built as a Union Bricklayer.  As we talked, I appreciated how he built a family, brick by brick, berry by berry.  A man of few words, his example spoke volumes.

2.  Building engines that power cities, civil life, and a family.  My father, Big-D, was a dynamo! Like the turbines that he built at his work, Big-D energized civil life and a family through respect and love.  He was a Union Vice President, a Cub Master, a baseball coach, and president of several civic organizations.  He taught me and the community how to throw a curve ball, build a car for the Pinewood Derby, and negotiate to get what a worker needs and deserves.  Countries are built on civic organizations, not tweets!  Read more here (American Anthem: More Crosswicks less Crosswise ). Dad, along with my mother, taught us how to live, love, and learn in a community. 

3.  Building in the background with humility and hard work.  God is the ultimate father as a builder.  He built heaven and this good earth, which we are called to protect.  And when God selected an earthly father to protect and teach his only Son, he selected St. Joseph.  A quiet, humble man, Joseph patiently taught the Son of Man how to build amongst humanity with his hands and heart.  Joseph stood in the background and let his work show forth through the works of the Son.  Joseph prayed and sent a path for what all good Fathers wish for their Sons; a life that eclipses their own and sets the world aright.

4. Building bridges of love.  My first three examples are no longer walking in physical form with us.  But I know that their example lives on, teaching us to build bridges of love across all humanity.  I see the builder in the young fathers I come in contact with in my work and ministries. Getting up at night to comfort a little one and waking up early each morning to work each day just a little sleep deprived.  And I remember how hard it is to be a builder, cheer as their families grow in love, and serve as an example to all of us that love knows no bounds.   

A Father’s love knows no boundaries.  It builds up instead of tears down.  It builds bridges across humanity and through time!  It is color blind and love rich.  Let’s all be builders in our families and society!

Nurturing the Seeds of Consolation in the Soil of Desolation

Don Grier

This week’s Change Well podcast, Episode 26, is available on my company’s podcast page. It provides insights and practical tips on maintaining wellness, whether you are experiencing joy or sorrow, by reviewing ten rules for living. Written by Angelo Roncalli, better known as Pope John XXIII, the Decalogue for Living provides rules for living a good and kind life regardless of your current season.

The podcast also includes a recitation of this original poem that I wrote on the topic.

The seeds of consolation are nurtured,
grown ans formed in soil of desolation,
waiting for the appointed time,
to spring forth to renew
both body and soul.

We do not know the day or hour,
when like the sun rising on a new day,
our darkness will be pierced 
and hope renewed.
Nor do we know if it will be in this life
or the next.

But, we can have faith that it will come,
hope that our hearts will be set afire,
and charity to all,
in the time of waiting. 

Don Grier 2024