Robert Frost

Mending Wall: Knowing When to Maintain and Tear Down

Don Grier

Have you ever wondered how seemingly unrelated events can converge to shape a blog’s topic? This week’s blog is a perfect example. It all started with a small group discussion I led, coincidentally on the same topic we’re exploring today. Then, one of my favorite poems was read on my second favorite podcast.  Lastly, a personal experience of mine, missing a blog post due to neglecting some of the suggestions in this blog, added to the mix.  How are these events all connected?  They all revolve around the concept of Boundaries when to establish them, and when to dismantle them for the sake of wellness.  So, let’s delve into this topic with the poem from The Daily Poem.

The poem is The Mending Wall.  It is my favorite poem by Robert Frost, although I have a lot of others, perhaps more well-known poems such as The Road Not Taken (ha another idea for a blog on wellness, but let’s save it for another time).  This poem is best known for saying, “Good fences, make good neighbors.”    However, as Shawn Johnson in The Daily Poem correctly points out, the poem is not about the need to continually build a wall around yourself to be a good neighbor.  Sometimes, walls do not make good neighbors, nor do they make you change well.  Other times, you need to construct a boundary to care for yourself or respect others.   Here is an excerpt from the poem that provides more context.

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

I will be mischievous here as the poem suggests and question the thought that fences or, in our context, boundaries always make better neighbors.  Sometimes, to change well and improve, you need to break down a wall to engage with people.  Let me give you an example straight out of the poem.  Sometimes, it is essential to break out of your echo chamber and engage with someone who does not think exactly like you or is different than you.  You may learn something from them, expand your horizons, and grow.  Also, what is there to be afraid of?  As the poem suggests, why fear engaging with the apple tree if you are more inclined to be a pine tree?  Surely, they are not going to eat your pine cones!

One thing I am good at is breaking through boundaries. I love the diversity of opinions and ideas. That is why I went to one of the most conservative institutions for my undergraduate degree and a liberal one for my Graduate degree. I cherish my friends and teachers in both.

Another reason it may be essential to break down boundaries is when you are lonely or feeling depressed.  I know this from personal experience.  I went into a depression after losing my second parent and only my friends and colleagues helped to pull me out.  But it took a bit. 

Let’s pull in the other two events I mentioned at the start and a bit more of the poem.  The last part of the poem excerpt says: 

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.

There are indeed times when you should build a boundary.  We discussed this topic in the small group I facilitated the other week.  We should respect and understand other people’s boundaries when we think breaking through would offend.  Some boundaries are obvious.  You should not get into someone’s personal space unless invited into it.  Some are less so.  Here is an example, and one was brought up in the small session.  Some people need quiet time to reflect.  As a loud and energetic person, something you may have noticed from this podcast, there are times that I am a bit too loud for some quieter people (like my spouse). 

Besides respecting other people’s boundaries, you must also respect and inform others of your own boundaries.  I am notoriously bad at this, so I did not prepare a blog last week.  I lapsed into an old pattern that I thought I had cracked the code when I had made my change for the better in balancing work and other commitments.  I have recently added another work assignment to my portfolio. Instead of blocking off the time to do my podcast and blogging, which brings me such joy, I got overly engaged in other commitments.  At one time, when I was working 16-hour days, I was the poster child of what not to do in boundaries.  Heck, I pulled over the side of the road to power up and fix a code problem when en route to visit my wife and our new son the day after he was born.  I was equally not great with the work-life boundaries of others.  I could work anyone into the ground before I realized who really wants or needs to be worked into the ground.  People get less productive and get burned out.

I apologize for not honoring our weekly appointment to post a blog last week. So, until next week, know when to set up boundaries and when not to, and Change Well. The podcast version of this blog with additional commentary is on our podcast site.

Be A Good Neighbor: TM

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This is the fourth blog of the Be Good, Not Great series.  The initial idea for the blog series came to me in a dream about my Grandpop and resulted in a poem and a blog in less then an hour.  Read it hear. https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/03/16/be-good-not-great/

The series focuses on people that strive for goodness over greatness; who eschew money, wealth and fame to care for other people.

I still remember the first day at the first home my wife and I owned as if it were yesterday.  We moved into an established community in our then sleepy, now rapidly growing town.  The house was 70’s vintage and we were excited but a little daunted. 

We got the home for a good price.  But it did come with some things that we needed to fix.  The most urgent being a large bump in the sidewalk that led to our door.  The bump was due to a tree root that grew under one of the sidewalk panels.  It was a hazard especially for my wife who was pregnant with our second child and our 4-year-old.   I was ready to fulfill my duties as a husband, father and new home owner.

I had managed to lift the sidewalk a bit and was trying my best to cut off a portion with a small axe I had.  I was not making any headway and was sweating buckets.  When out walks a wiry, 60ish year old man with silver hair, from next door.

I stopped my work for a moment and greeted him.  he introduced himself and said, “I am TM your neighbor and son you looked like you could use some help!”  I said, “Hi Tim.  I am doing ok, but it is sure good to meet you”.    Which was wrong on two accounts. 

First because of his Texas twang, I called him Tim instead of TM.  This part was ok because he thought he heard TM due to my Jersey roots. Second, I was not Ok.  I had worked for an hour and made hardly a dent on the root.

After 15 minutes, TM returned with his own axe and said “Don, please let me help you out.  I have been doing this for awhile and we can knock it out together.”  Even though I was embarrassed I relented.  And I was glad I did.  TM immediately made more headway in 10 minutes then I had done in the last hour and a half.  When it was my turn to spell him, he let me use his axe and technique.  We got the root out and sidewalk level in less than 40 minutes together.  It was the start of a great friendship and mentorship.

TM was the perfect example of seeking goodness over greatness.  Born and bred in Leander, he moved to Cedar Park during its infancy to run one of the Cedar Yards for which the city was named. He was a great mentor, devoted husband for 68 years, loving father and a devout church goer.  You can read more about TM here. https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/austin-tx/thomas-pearson-7060600

There are four lessons from the life of TM to follow as we strive for goodness:

  1. Be a Good Neighbor.  The help with the tree root was just the first example of TM being neighborly. He was always there with a ready hand and a kind smile to help my wife and I with our expanding young family.  With both of us working, we did not always have time to keep the yard up.  When he saw us struggling, TM would take the time to mow the side of our yard closest to him or water some of plants when we did not get to it.  He also helped us with some ideas on landscaping and brought over some vegetables from his garden.  We in return tried to help him out, but never could match his generosity.
  2. Be a Good Family Man. TM was a devoted husband and father.  His only daughter was confined to a wheel chair after she was in an accident.   He and his wife helped care for her.  To make things easier, his daughter and her husband lived with TM.  TM had a specially outfitted van and helped with the medical visits and care.  He was always cheerful and willing to help. I also never saw a harsh word exchanged between the two couples despite the stress of living under the same roof. 
  3. Be a Good Mentor. TM was also always ready to pass the lessons of fatherhood to me.  One conversation stands out.  I was playing soccer with my son in our backyard and we were getting loud.  My son kicked the ball and it sailed into TM’s garden.  Instead of a harsh word, he handed over the soccer ball with a smile.  I told him I was sorry and asked him if we were bothering him by being too rowdy.  TM said, “You do get a bit loud, Don. but I know what you ae doing and you need to play with your son.  It is what they remember and how they learn so have at it!”  I try to remember that lesson when the two boys that are our new neighbors kick a soccer ball against our car.
  4. Take care of your community.  TM also reached out to the larger community.  His yard was an example to the whole community.  He also put on the best Christmas light show for many years.  Showing pride in your home and community inspires the same in your neighbors.   TM also sang and played guitar at his church.  He used his talents to the joy and betterment of those around him and the world is better for it.

We moved to a new home about a mile away in 2007.  Up to the end of our time next door, TM remained a good neighbor and friend.  Even helping us with fixing up the house for sale. Unfortunately, I did not follow his good example.  I got caught up with work and growing family and despite living only a mile or two away from him, we did not go to see him that often.  When he passed in 2016, I did not know until quite a bit later.  This is something I will always regret.

Robert Frost writes in his famous poem “Mending Wall” see full at this link https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44266/mending-wall:

“Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun;

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast…

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,

That wants it down.’ I could say ‘Elves’ to him,

But it’s not elves exactly, and I’d rather

He said it for himself.”

I now know what does not love a wall.  It is not elves, it is God and his love.  Be like TM and not me!  Break down the walls of cell phones, work, and a busy life.  Take a sledgehammer to that wall, much like TM took an axe to that tree root and make time for your neighbor.  And above all, love your neighbor as yourself!