fatherhood

The Gift of Fatherhood: 5 Ways It Shaped Me into a Better Person

Don Grier

I am looking forward to Father’s Day this Sunday.  I cherish every gift my children have given me over these 36 years of Fatherhood, from plaster cast moldings of their handprints to more recent gifts to events and workshops.  I also love getting some barbeque and a few beers.   But the greatest gift of all is the opportunity, along with my wife, to raise four empathetic, brilliant, and kind adults.   Quite frankly, I believe that instead of getting gifts this Sunday, I should be giving gifts back for the opportunity of being a Father. 

Fatherhood is not always given proper recognition in today’s society. But today’s blog is not focused on the positive impact of fathers on their families and communities. I have written a previous blog called Let’s Celebrate Fathers as Builders. Today, my focus is on the positive benefits of being a father for the father himself.  Indeed, I am healthier, happier, and kinder through my vocation of Fatherhood, and I thank the Father above for giving me the mission!

Here are five ways being an engaged Dad has made me better.

1. It made me more patient. I still need work in this area, but I cannot imagine how I would have turned out if we had not had kids. From the start, I have been an impatient person. My Papaw gave all his grandchildren a nickname. Mine was “Walkie-Talkie” because I always walking, talking, and going places. 

I was hurrying to the top and impatient about anything that got in the way.  But being a father has a way of slowing you down. For example, you can’t walk fast if you are trying to lead a toddler to take their first steps, teach your kid math, or take your daughter to buy a prom dress (especially if it is my middle daughter 😊).  If you don’t take the time to listen, you will miss your child growing up.  Plus, why are you hurrying in the first place?  You will blink, and your children will all be grown up.  So follow that lyric from the old 70’s song by Wayne Newton, Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast.

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, slow down some ’cause you’re makin’ me run

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

2.  It made me lighten up.  Unfortunately, impatience was not the only thing that I needed to work on as I took on my role as a Father.  To say that I am an intense, serious person is an understatement.  I am strictly Type A by nature and find it hard to loosen up and have fun.  Some of my current friends would disagree but did not know me before fatherhood.  Here is an example of my intensity. 

My mom went with me to back to school day back in my junior year when we moved to Texas.  Every 15 minutes, we would have to switch classes and meet the teacher.  I walked directly to class while people were trying to flag me down and say hello or joke.  In her Jersey accent, my mom would say Donn…nie, why didn’t you say hi to those cute girls saying hi to you?  I said something like Mom, we have to get to class, and I do not want us to be late.  As always, I was too focused on the mission and what was next.  I did not have time to have fun or laugh.

But it is hard not to laugh and have fun with your children.  They have an excellent way of humbling you and making you see the humor in everyday life.  How can you not laugh when they smile at you, dance with crazy legs to the Back Street Boys, or even put their pants on backward?    These are just a few of the things.  I also had a hidden gift for kid songs and stories.  I had always written poetry and stories, but they were all serious and overly dramatic.  But as a dad, I found I had a knack for stories.  My oldest daughter and her friends still remember “The Tales of Super Guinea and Sharky Shark” and Super Fanny Pack Mom. 

3.  It helped me stay fit and get healthy. Being a dad is a catalyst for maintaining your health, and if you lose your health, a prod to turn it around.  When the children were younger, staying fit to keep up with them was relatively easy.  I even made up fitness routines for shopping when I could not exercise alone.  Here is an idea for dads who need to get groceries with the kids in tow.  It is called Crazy Cart.  I used to go to HEB with my two middle children in twin seats in the shopping cart and my oldest daughter running alongside me.  We see how fast we could run up and down the aisles shopping while other shoppers jumped out of the way.  Our record for $100 in groceries was under 8 minutes!  Later, I loved playing soccer with my son in the backyard.  When he was little, I let him get ahead, and then I would return and win until I could not!

Later, as they got older and entered their school sports, I gained weight by focusing on work and making money for the family.  Then, wanting to be around them as they struck out on their lives made me want to get healthy.  I remember my son’s high school graduation, which was one of the catalysts for me returning to shape.  Weighing in at 350+, I was ashamed to be in his picture.  The fact that he was happy for me to share that day spurred me on to better for him and myself.  Four years later, I was 170 pounds lighter for his college graduation.

4.  It helped me with empathy and emotional intelligence. From our discussion so far, you can probably tell I did not have a high EQ before becoming a father. Dads have to become more empathetic and emotionally aware as they adjust to their children’s different talents. Each kid is unique, with a different way of reacting to you.   For example, I have the Dad voice of all Dad voices.  However, it is highly counterproductive when dealing with my middle daughter.  It’s a liability more than an asset with all the kids, but that is the empathy side.  I had to find different ways to connect with each kid and meet them where they are.  

5. It helped me become a better team player.  Lastly, being a Dad made me a better team player, especially with my wife.  As parents, you need to present a united front.   Kids are adept at finding any difference in their parent’s opinions and using it to their advantage.  Also, a family unit is built on loyalty, teamwork, and sacrifice.  Individual contributors need not apply. 

So there you have it—five ways the gift of fatherhood made me a better person.  I want to close with a poem that I wrote about the most outstanding achievement of any father and his wife.  A great family.  I wrote this poem at my youngest daughter’s graduation ceremony after seeing a picture of my four children at that event.

Some invest in stocks,
Others purchase gold,
Other invest in real estate,
And Futures bought and sold,

But we invest in our kids,
My lovely wife and I,
And moments like your graduation,
Make me want to cry,

With a heartfelt exclamation,
And thankfulness unbound,
With joyfulness and love,
And smiles all around!

Let’s Celebrate Fathers as Builders!

Don Grier1 Comment

This Father’s Day, I celebrate Dads as builders! I revel in those fathers who built buildings, large families, Turbines, farms, and all of us up to love! Amidst all the tearing down recently in our country, it is time for us Fathers to build up! Here are four examples of Fathers building up.

1.  Building a family with bricks and good earth.  My Father-In-Law, along with his wife, built a loving family of 10 borne on bricks, love, and good Minnesota earth.  The first time I met Cal, he took me to his Raspberry farm to work and to talk about his tractor.   This was the same raspberry patch my wife and her nine siblings learned responsibility each summer.  Later, Cal took me to see the buildings he built as a Union Bricklayer.  As we talked, I appreciated how he built a family, brick by brick, berry by berry.  A man of few words, his example spoke volumes.

2.  Building engines that power cities, civil life, and a family.  My father, Big-D, was a dynamo! Like the turbines that he built at his work, Big-D energized civil life and a family through respect and love.  He was a Union Vice President, a Cub Master, a baseball coach, and president of several civic organizations.  He taught me and the community how to throw a curve ball, build a car for the Pinewood Derby, and negotiate to get what a worker needs and deserves.  Countries are built on civic organizations, not tweets!  Read more here (American Anthem: More Crosswicks less Crosswise ). Dad, along with my mother, taught us how to live, love, and learn in a community. 

3.  Building in the background with humility and hard work.  God is the ultimate father as a builder.  He built heaven and this good earth, which we are called to protect.  And when God selected an earthly father to protect and teach his only Son, he selected St. Joseph.  A quiet, humble man, Joseph patiently taught the Son of Man how to build amongst humanity with his hands and heart.  Joseph stood in the background and let his work show forth through the works of the Son.  Joseph prayed and sent a path for what all good Fathers wish for their Sons; a life that eclipses their own and sets the world aright.

4. Building bridges of love.  My first three examples are no longer walking in physical form with us.  But I know that their example lives on, teaching us to build bridges of love across all humanity.  I see the builder in the young fathers I come in contact with in my work and ministries. Getting up at night to comfort a little one and waking up early each morning to work each day just a little sleep deprived.  And I remember how hard it is to be a builder, cheer as their families grow in love, and serve as an example to all of us that love knows no bounds.   

A Father’s love knows no boundaries.  It builds up instead of tears down.  It builds bridges across humanity and through time!  It is color blind and love rich.  Let’s all be builders in our families and society!

Be Good to Your Family: John Walton

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This is the fifth of my Be Good Not Great blog series.  The idea for the series came to me in a dream of my Grandpop in the original blog: https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/03/16/be-good-not-great/  and  a related poem: https://weightlossleadership.com/2019/08/01/be-good-not-great-poem/.  In this series, I tell stories of people that fulfilled God’s purpose of being good while foregoing worldly greatness. 

To date, the series has included only real people with whom I have directly interacted.  In this blog I focus on a person that I have interacted with since the seventies, but only through TV– John, the father on “The Waltons”.

For those not familiar with the series, “The Waltons”   ran for 9 years in the 70’s and early 80’s with specials continuing into the 2000’s.  It covers the trials and tribulations of an extended of family of 11 (John, his family, and John’s parents) living through the depression and World War II in the backwoods of Virginia.    The Waltons make it through those hard years of poverty and personal tragedy with their souls intact largely due to the sacrifices of John and his wife Olivia (who is equally deserving of being the subject of this blog). 

One of my favorite episodes of the series clearly demonstrates John’s focus on being good while foregoing opportunities for wealth and fame.  In the episode, John is uncharacteristically anxious and short with others.  His high school reunion is approaching and one of his fellow classmates want him to organize the reunion.  The classmate came to John because back in high school he and his classmate Grover where always vying for the lead position in the class.  Grover went on to Washington to lead an agency in the Roosevelt administration, while John stayed on Walton’s Mountain eking out a living for his family.  John becomes even more anxious when the person who was supposed to host the reunion cannot and John’s wife Olivia  agrees to host the reunion at the Walton home.

When the seemingly successful guests arrive, they all have problems.  Grover, for instance is having marital problems and his wife does not attend the reunion.  Another one of his classmates, a rich car salesman, has kids who act spoiled and misbehave throughout the reunion.  In contrast, the Walton children are the epitome of hospitality and work together to make the reunion a success. 

The show ends with what I considered the greatest quote from the show and one that highlights the difference between being good not great.  Grover, John’s former high school rival says the following: 

“Six years in grade school, five years in high school-everything I ever ran for, I was always running against the same Johnny Walton… The greatest day of my life was when I beat John Walton out for senior class president. I don’t think he ever lost any sleep over it. Now I’m an ambitious man – some would say successful; probably it’s all John’s fault. I was always running; he was always going past me at a walk. And here it is, 25 years later-here I am, and there’s John. Then look at me… and some of you… still running, still wearing ourselves to a frazzle for all sorts of things that John Walton has accumulated while he was out walking – a happy home, a fine wife and children. We’re sitting here well fed at John’s table, and I’m still boy enough to be graveled at the sight of him. ‘John – the boy most likely to succeed.’ Well, he’s the boy who did.”

This ending always gets me because it shows the choices a parent makes for his family.  There are so many episodes where John demonstrates his love for family over that of money of fame.  Here are three examples:

In one of the later episodes, John demonstrates his ability to organize competing, local sawmills in Virginia to deliver a large order for a rich government contractor.  Noting his ability, the contractor offers John the role of Vice President of lumber operations.  This job holds the promise of wealth, travel and a fine home.  The only issue is John would have to uproot his family.  He declines the role for the lesser opportunity of running a co-op in his hometown for a lot less money and prestige. 

One of the key attributes of a good father is being humble enough to accept the sacrifice of your children.  In another one of my favorite episodes, John and Olivia use all their emergency money to buy their son John-Boy, a new suit for college.  The whole family participates in the joyful event.  John is proud that he can provide clothes for his son to fit in with the wealthier students not on scholarship.  Then the family’s milking cow Chance dies and John is humbled since he does not have the money to replace it.  John Boy takes it upon himself to sell back his suit to pay for a new cow.  This action shows the goodness of his father John in two ways.  First, John-boy is following the example of sacrifice he has seen modeled by his father.  Second, John is humble enough after initial reluctance to accept the money.  John does what needs to be done even though it eats him up inside to provide his son this simple gift.  

In the last example, a developer comes to Walton’s Mountain and notes the beauty of the nature and a hot spring on the mountain.  FDR with his affinity for Hot Springs has raised the demand for these resorts and the developer offers John a lot of money for the mountain and his home.  He at first contemplates selling the land and moving the family but decides against moving the family, especially his parents from the home.  This episode clearly illustrates the sacrifices many sons and daughters make to care for their parents in their older years.  A good father indeed must first be a good son.

I could list at least another 20 episodes of the basic goodness of John Walton and his love for family.  Caring for your family and your spouse is what a marriage is all about!  A good parent thinks of their family first and career second.  Money and fame disappear, but a love of a good parent lives on! So, when facing a decision, let’s be like John and focus on what’s good for the family, rather than what is great for you!